Lets just pull myselve"s" together now shall we.

There are moments in my life when I feel like the entire world is spinning around me, the noises get louder as I rush to turn things down and I try my best to evaporate into the air, but it never seems to work. I end up crashing, fleeing for a breath, searching for that fresh air that I only find at around midnight, outside in these cold winter nights.

I don’t know if its because its nearing “that time of the month” for me right now, or if its just that LOW part of the rollercoaster that I’ve been up and down on for my entire life. Its hard to tell.

Living as a survivor is hard. Its a constant struggle to keep myself conditioned not to fall back into “trauma child” mode. If I want to function, or keep myself going in a positive light, or productive light, then I must constantly “remind” myself to be happy, its going to be a “good day” I DO deserve love, I am worthy of love, I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I DO know what I’m talking about, I am a good mother, i am a good partner, I am.

Then I get into the “flow” of feeling good, and its good. But that seems to be just about the time, I slip, and forget to keep conditioning myself into happy mode. Because the natural me, the normal me, the me without trying, is the hurting child inside of me. Me without “conditioning” IS the insecure, abandoned, not worthy being I try SO HARD NOT TO BE.

Today, I am me. And it hurts. Everything hurts today. I hate myself, i hate my life, i feel like a horrible mother because I snapped at my children today, its raining, i’m stir crazy because I didn’t go outside, because I’m depressed and it sucks. It outright SUCKS.

My childrens father stayed tonight to put our girls to bed. Sometimes he does, alot of times he doesn’t. He’s making SUCH an effort right now for ‘us’ to make it. He’s REALLY TRYING. Tonight as I was laying in between my girls for them to fall asleep like I do every night, he got up, and took my socks off and gave me a foot massage.

I’m a massage therapist, I loath massage therapy. Tonight though, due to my “emotional” state, I could barely even feel his hands touching my feet. He wasn’t massaging light, my leg was moving from the rubbing on my foot, but the actually FEELING was almost gone. You know when you sit on a foot and right before it falls asleep there is that almost numbness, thats what happens to me. When my body goes into defense, and those mechanisms kick in, my nerves shut down. I shut down. Thats not good for me, or my girls. Nobody wants a shut down mother.

I am numb right now, and I couldn’t even tell you how I got here. What triggered me to cause this effect? I don’t know. Somewhere I stopped conditioning myself into function land, whole land, the land of milk and honey. So, here I sit, wandering in the wilderness. A blind, numb defensive mother.

So, I guess I’ll watch some Joyce Meyers. Its wierd, but Joyce Meyers is one of the only things that can pull me out of these slumps. Its not her really, its what she preaches. Shes a motivational speaker and she motivates me. I find peace in the bible. I don’t believe its meant to be as sexist as it comes across, i think times have changed and if women wrote the accounts of the stories in the Bible, it’d be a bit different. So I look beyond that, and find strength.

Isaiah 61:8

For I, the Lord, love justice. I hate robbery and wrongdoing. I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering and make an everlasting covenant with them.

Isaiah 63:3-6

I have trodden the winepress alone; no one was there to help me. In my anger I have trampled my enemies as if they were grapes. In my fury I have trampled my foes. It is their blood that has stained my clothes. For the time has come for me to avenge my people, to ransom them from their oppressors. I looked, but no one came to help my people. I was amazed and applalled at what I saw. So I executed vengeance alone; unaided, I passed down judgement. I crushed the nations in my anger and made them stagger and fall to the ground.”