A Case For Adoption Reform
Straight from the horse’s mouth.
I’d like to thank Lori Tay, a somewhat recent commenter to Anti-Adoption, for her very honest and poignant comment. It took a lot of courage and guts for her to be so truthful about how infertile couples TRULY feel about adoption and the little adoptees they may someday choose to bring into their lives, and I think it’s this type of hard-hitting, brutal honesty that we all need to see exactly why adoption isn’t the great thing that it’s hyped up to be.
Thank you, Lori. Honestly.
For those of you who haven’t seen Lori’s comment, here it is, copied for you:
Anti-adoption advocates hate infertile couples in general, seeing us as the problem. What they fail to realize is that many, many infertile couples have NO desire at all to adopt. For us, adoption would only be a VERY LAST RESORT.
That’s right, birthmothers – your child would be a last resort for us, whether you like that or not. Your child is not the great prize you may think he is. What most of us want most is our own biological child!
Thank God for advances in reproductive medicine. IVF success rates are improving all the time. I predict in the future there will be a lot fewer people adopting or fostering children, because they will be able to have their own child.
What Lori said is so deep and profound, it makes one wonder why ANYONE would place an innocent child in the home of an infertile couple. Kind of dispels the myth of the “win-win” situation, doesn’t it?
But what Lori brings up here is a fact that far too many adoptees already know…that we really ARE second best, we ARE the last resort, that our adopters really would have rather had their own. Too many adoptees are growing up in homes where they are not treated well, are not loved, and are, well, to put it frankly, either physically or emotionally abused because their adopters chose the consolation prize…adoption.
Thanks Lori for bringing it to us straight from the infertile horse’s mouth. What so many adoptees have tried to say, and has fallen on deaf ears, might finally be heard from the infertile mouth itself.
DON’T stop telling your truth, please.
How in the world could any adoption agency or social worker in good conscience, ever place a child in the home of someone with this much anger and animosity toward that very child? But it happens, it happens every day, and who pays the price? That innocent baby. That second choice, that last resort, pays the price for not being the biological offspring that their adopters wanted SO badly.
And if we complain, if we want to know OUR biological family, oh boy, do we hear about it. Shut up and be grateful, don’t hurt your adopters, you know the drill. Can’t win either way.
So it’s attitudes like this that lurk just below the surface…hidden, festering, simmering, eating away, but only a few, like Lori, have the guts to be honest about it.
I wish more did.
Maybe then we’d stop ripping families apart just so that someone else could get their consolation prize, and what little consolation it turns out to be.
May 26, 2008 at 10:29 am
All expectant mothers should read this post. All mothers considering placing their children into the homes of strangers who really don’t want them but are taking whatever they can get, should know this.
May 26, 2008 at 10:51 am
AMEN, sistah!!
Adoption IS a last resort for all of the parties and I have always said so!
As Loris so blanetly put it,adopters would much rather have a child born and related to them.
Mothers who lose children to adoption wish the did not experience hat loss; thy wish they could have raised their child or did not experience a pregnancy at a time they were unable to.
And adoptees? They’d much rather be related to those who raise them – just as much as the adopters would prefer the raising a child that was ‘their own.” They know they’re second best. Thanks for reminding them all.
If only people didn’t HAVE TO resort to their last resort….Oh, wait…that’s right…adopters don’t HAVE TO adopt! Being childless is NOT the end of the world. It’s NOT life or death like some make it out to be. In past generations, people accpeted it and sought other ways to utilize their parental desires. One could always be a foster mom, or donate to SOS, or work with kids in a multitude of ways for pay or as a volunteer.
I would love a link to Lori’s original comment location.
May 26, 2008 at 11:06 am
PS I don’t hate all infertile people. Only those who feel an “entitlement” to someone else’s child – anyone else’s – often because they simply waited too long; were too busy pursuing higher education, career, big house, cars, etc. and then think of a child as the next “possession.” Those who believe that parenting is a “right”! Those who will spend any amount of money and turn their back on obvious illegalities. AND…those who will be dissatisfied and “return” a child who doesn’t meet their expectations or price tag…or worse, abuse or even kill the child for not being their ideal replacement.
It is people like that make people like us anti-adoption. I too hope that RT continue to make it possible for all of you to have “your own” brats.
But I also know those who are TRULY trying to help orphans and not looking for a child as a possession to “complete” them and fill their void. Those who go into adoption like Lori will never be satisfied, because no child – no matter how perfect – will be the one she really wants because it will never be “her own” and she will always be left to wonder what her “real” child may have looked or acted like. This will torment the Lori’s of the world forever and destroy them and the children they adopt who KNOW they can never meet her standards.
May 26, 2008 at 3:36 pm
[...] May 26, 2008 · No Comments Really [...]
May 26, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Sorry. Straight from the mouth of ONE horse’s mouth.
May 26, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I love that someone finaly said it, that someone finaly told the truth that we have always known, and that they highlighted the resentment they have towards adopted children for not being theirs, that it isnt the same, we’ve always known this but as you say noone listens to us.
May 26, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I don’t like Lori’s intent. Reading between the lines she’s saying that adoptees are not worthy of her time or her breathing space. It makes me wonder if she has any friends who are adopted and if this is something she would say to their faces.
But I do think she’s right.
It is unnatural to covet other people’s children. It is odd to want someone else’s child to call you mommy. And while she herself seems to have a handle on that concept, I wish it were true that other infertiles felt the same as she did. I don’t think they do. (And by the way, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being infertile, it is not a bad word to me) I think adoption has become it’s own animal and it is very cunning and savage. Our society has set it up so that people think this is finally the cure for their infertility. And it just isn’t.
So while I agree with what Lori had to say, I think she could have said it a little nicer and I think she should just stick to speaking for herself.
May 26, 2008 at 7:20 pm
[...] May 26, 2008 by simplegracethirst WTF??? Seriously. [...]
May 26, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Thank you, Lillie… Perfect response…
May 26, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I am infertile. Our children have come to us through egg donor and adoption. Anyone who knows me will tell you I always speak the truth.
Our children are the perfect children for us. They are not a second choice, they are just our children. I would not change our circumstances for anything. I am proud of my family, how it was formed and we love our children to no end.
Anyone who feels differently should not be allowed to adopt. Every child should grow up feeling completely loved for who they are and where they come from, feel safe and secure and accepted for who they are and what gifts they have to give to this world.
May 27, 2008 at 7:24 am
Lori may be speaking HER truth, and more power to her. It is not MY truth. I don’t know where she was writing this comment, however, I hope she was writing as an infertile, not an adopting parent.
May 27, 2008 at 7:46 am
You know, the thing that always pesters at me is the statement:
“But we *didn’t* choose adoption as our second choice. We just thought it was natural that our second child would be adopted.”
… anyone else see the hypocrisy there at all?
May 27, 2008 at 9:56 am
First of all, Lillie, thank you. You have no idea.
I have written the following to lori tay:
Dear Lori Tay
over a month ago you wrote a comment on my blog that was very rude, and very harsh. I have shown it to the online adoption community and a co-author of my blog has made a post devoted entirely to you, your kind, and your comment.
Its called “a case for adoption reform.”
Its had over 300 hits in the last 24 hours, first mothers are now using it as a case against surrendering their children because who would EVER want to surrender their children into the hands of someone of your nature?
Some women don’t have a choice, others do, hopefully those that do will think again, and hopefully those who don’t, will find compassionate people willing to help them and their children instead of sell their children off to desperate couples as an act of desparation.
Ultimately I want to thank you, as an adoptee myself, I knew I was second best and have lived with that energy my entire life. People deny it too me all the time, telling me its my issue, that really I was “chosen” when you and I both know thats crap.
thank you for your honesty, and heres a taste of mine, ADOPTEES DON’T WANT TO BE ADOPTED. We never did, we never will. As much as we love our adoptive parents, we didn’t chose to be adopted and would rather stay right where we were intended to be, with our natural parents( assuming there has been no abuse or neglect)(which happens in both adoptive and natural families).
This is your chance to come and defend yourself to the 12 commenters who have written to your statement, taken it to their blogs and passed it around the internet with your name.
http://antiadoption.wordpress.com/2008/05/26/a-case-for-adoption-reform/
Thanks!
Gershom
May 27, 2008 at 10:03 am
A couple people have made reference to wanting to “see” the comment. If you go up to the top of the page to the tab that says “Anti-Adoption?” right under neath the header, her comment was left on that welcome page.
Or you can just click here: http://antiadoption.wordpress.com/anti-adoption/
May 27, 2008 at 12:58 pm
The problem with speaking in absolutes when it comes to adoption, is that absolutes and all or nothing statements don’t work in the adoption arena.
So, just as some adoptive parents are hideously unprepared to parent a child who is not biologically theirs, there are many who are prepared to ethically and lovingly parent an adoptee. I would say in the BSE, parents did find themselves ‘having’ to adopt, thinking it was second best, resenting that their children were adopted, etc. etc.
And while surely there are still all kinds of unethical agencies and desperate would-be parents engaging in whatever it takes to convince pregnant women to hand over their babies, it just isn’t accurate to say that all adoptive parents feel a certain way.
The anti-adoption movement loses some of its credibility by the extreme statements that are made. I do applaud the movment for its being there and for being a voice, standing up for adoptees’ rights and for shining a light on the ugly sides and practices. But what I would say is to keep focused on the ruthless agencies. I would say focus on the reform aspect because as long as we are all going to be alive, there is still going to be adoption. So…let’s make those PAPs not so in the dark and focused on THEIR stuff….
I just wrote a post on this. I hope you might take a minute to read it.
Tina
May 27, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Tina,
Thanks for your comment, i’ll totally check it out. It feels like you have lumped “anti adoption movement” into one category who makes extreme statments when that certainly isn’t something I do or all of us do, and I am very anti-adoption.
Please read the intro page: http://antiadoption.wordpress.com/anti-adoption/
As well as the history of posts here and you will understand that indeed that doesn’t happen on a regular basis anymore than it does in any other department or area of the adoption stool.
Yes, you can’t judge every adoptive parent or PAP by this woman, thank God. Just as its not right to judge the entire anti-adoption “movement” based on a post either.
I’ll check out your blog post tonight though after my little ones are fast asleep. Thanks for the invite!
May 27, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Just one a-mom’s point of view here.
I came to adoption as an infertile woman, and you are correct that adoption wasn’t the first choice I made in attempting to parent. But I can assure you with absolutely, 100% certainty that there is nothing simmering below the surface of my love for my children.
I don’t claim them as replacements for the children I couldn’t conceive, I love and respect them for the individuals they are, with parents who gave them life and talent, and families they have a right to know.
In saying this, I don’t debate the rightness or wrongness of adoption, nor do I dispute what Lori says. She has tremendous courage to express her thoughts. I simply want to make the point that I love my kids beyond reason.
May 27, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Thank you Margie for saying it so well. I’m happy that you have spoken up here, you are one of the AP’s online who I respect the most! You said it wonderfully.
May 27, 2008 at 9:58 pm
You’re right, I needed to be reminded of what you mention in your response to me.
Again, I’m really glad for those who are being loud and clear on their opposition to adoption, and while I’m not in that camp, I do understand. There’s so much wrong with the ethics, practices and the worldwide circumstances that lead to women surrendering their babies. I’m definitely interested in having that go away.
Tina
May 27, 2008 at 10:21 pm
My adopted son WANTED to be adopted. He tells me that quite often. It was a popular sentiment in the orphanage where he got so little food that he now has growth delays. He was 5 yrs old when we adopted him. He knew enough to be happy for his best friend who was adopted 6 wks before we adopted him. (We were able to get in contact with his friend’s adoptive parents and reunite the boys.)
I always speak lovingly of his birthmother. I put the best possible spin on what little bit I know of his history.
I struggled with infertility. Have 1 bio daughter. She’s fairly certain we favor her brother over her. (We don’t but she’s a hormonal tweener, so her perceptions are a bit off.) I cannot imagine looking at my son as anything but the perfect child for our family. Birth defect and all, he is exactly what I always wanted in a son. I couldn’t care less who he got his DNA from, he learned to open the car door for a lady from my hubby. He learned to like spinach from me. And learned to love Harry Potter from his sister. She is learning to speak Chinese from him. Okay, he doesn’t look a thing like any of us, who cares?! He is still EVERYTHING I ever wanted in a son. He is absolutely not a second choice behind a bio child. He is so much more than a bio child. Because not only is he our son, he is also a window to a different culture. He makes us more than we ever dreamed we could be. He has taught us to laugh no matter what. That yelling “Bo-ing, bo-ing” at every bounce on the kiddie ride at the amusement park is great fun. That there is no greater thrill in life than riding on Daddy’s lap around the yard on the lawn mower.
My heart breaks because I can’t share his everyday accomplishments with his birth mother. But he is in NO WAY settling. He is soooo much better than anything I ever pictured coming from my DNA. He is my son.
May 28, 2008 at 4:17 am
Thanks everyone who commented here. I am late to the party, wow, I didn’t expect to get this much of a response.
I think what’s important to highlight is that Tina is correct…there are no “absolutes” when it comes to, well, anything. Just as this Lori woman sees adoption as a far-distant second choice and despises n-mothers and adoptees, Margie and others have the decency and compassion to respect n-mothers and they love the adoptees they have in their homes.
But what’s important to highlight is the underlying theme in Lori’s message…what adoptees know, what we grow up knowing deep in our hearts, the painful truth in that we ARE THE SECOND CHOICE. No matter how loved and cherished and valued we are in our adoptive homes, we weren’t the number one option…we were the consolation after fertility failed, after plan A fell through, after other options went bust.
I’m not saying that’s always a bad thing for the adoptive parents, but for an adoptee to have to live with that knowledge? It’s a HORRIBLE truth to keep locked within your heart. No amount of love can make that go away.
THIS is why adoption needs reform, why adoption should only be used as a last resort, and only when the CHILD needs a home, not when parents want a kid because they can’t have one or want a girl to round out the fam’. It should NEVER be seen as a way to “build a family”. It should ONLY be a means to secure a home for a CHILD WHO NEEDS ONE and not a HOME THAT’S LOOKING FOR ONE.
It’s too damaging to be utilized so nonchalantly.
Would YOU want to grow up adopted? Would YOU want to grow up knowing that you were somebody’s second choice, that your parents would rather have just had their own? I’ll tell you it’s a painful, hurtful feeling, and not one to play around with when it comes to the lives of children.
May 28, 2008 at 5:02 am
I didn’t plan to join this discussion because I don’t know that I can be as articulate or understandable as Margie, but I’m telling you that it’s not that simple; it’s not that a+b=c. It’s just NOT.
I’m in my current job because I was demoted. You would think that would be a bad thing, but it turned out to be a blessing that I was demoted. A good thing, the best thing that could have happened to me. I am in the right job for me.
I may have gone through infertility and maybe my son came about because of that, but the truth for us is that we went through IF procedures because that was simpler for us than going through adoption procedures. We always had adoption in our hearts, whether people believe it or not. People will see it as second choice, but as I said in my blog yesterday, “Heck, we couldn’t have made a kid as awesome as Nate with our genes, so we just thank our lucky stars.” The second thing that happens can be the biggest blessing in your life. In that way, just like I’m actually glad I was demoted, I’m glad fertility treatments didn’t work for us. I’m in a job that fits me. I have a kid who is so awesome that I can’t imagine life without him. How could things be better??
Yes, there is loss for him and his first mother and we respect that and deal with it. That’s all I’ll say about it here because that’s part of his story. But we honor his story and his feelings and his origins.
But second best? No way.
The thing is, I think I can say this until I’m blue in the face, and I won’t be believed. And that really saddens me because it’s true.
I’ve literally had a friend in the car when Nate was a baby and she asked about the fertility treatments. I told her about them and the two miscarriages. She offered condolences. I said, “thank you,” then kind of shrugged, and said, “but then I wouldn’t have him,” and gestured to my boy in the back of the car. “It’s OK,” I said with a smile. I truly believe that too. It’s not that I celebrate having miscarriages, but I don’t carry them around with me anymore either.
Once we adopted Nate, thoughts of having “our own” went by the wayside because our kid is so totally awesome.
That’s all I can say. Believe me or mock me — *shrug*, I can’t help how people react. But it’s all true.
~ Judy
May 28, 2008 at 5:16 am
[...] going to copy my comment that I included as a response to A Case for Adoption Reform on the blog Anti-Adoption. [...]
May 28, 2008 at 6:31 am
I agree with Lillie’s comment (#20) about the effect of knowing that you were “second choice,” NO MATTER HOW MUCH our adoptive parents love us, and despite the fact that “second choice does not equal second best”.
I’m not saying that a parent’s love doesn’t matter, or that second choice is indeed equal to second best. I’m just saying that it can be really hard for some adoptees to forget that for many of us, we were not our (adoptive) parents’ first choice.
Because ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD can’t change the facts of how and why I came into my current family… and despite all the love in the world, there are still many days when I can’t help but feel like one big consolation prize.
May 28, 2008 at 9:09 am
Lillie,
You are so right. I know this firsthand as I am also an adoptee. I hope you read my last post, because it came from, in part, that pain inside myself.
thank you,
Tina
May 28, 2008 at 10:35 am
The fact that my FIRST choice in “how to become a parent” was to adopt (totally bypassing the very idea of doing it the ‘natural’ way) is an abstract concept that is often misunderstood…
… but I don’t feel guilty that my son was adopted.
As far as stereotypes go, I’m probably the MOST hated ‘adopter’ (at least in the anti-adoption world) in that I’m simply seen as ‘baby stealer’ – my child came to me as a first choice and I had no intentions in my lifetime (for as far back as I can remember!) to ever have a biological child.
Therefore, my fertility (or lack thereof?) had zero to do with my son’s adoption. In the eyes of certain groups not desiring a biological child further proves me to be a baby-stealer.
While some see adoption as a “second choice, that last resort” to parenting, I see my son’s adoption as simply my selfish desire to become a parent. Further, I truly believe that ALL parents who adopt do it for this singular reason, regardless of any pre-adoption circumstances that might have lead to their decision to adopt.
Although I fully admit to my naivety about the many negative aspects of a ‘closed’ adoption at the time I adopted, I have earnestly tried in the years since to educate myself and right the wrongs (or at least do my best to acknowledge the mistakes in my thought-processes) that I see. I do acknowledge my son’s losses, while also recognizing that I have lost nothing, and gained everything. I do include his family as much as possible (I spent much time and money to find his First Mother) in our discussions and celebrations about his life, even though most of his biological roots are elusive to us and is First Mother’s desire for contact is inconsistent.
While I struggle to find my way though a closed adoption (one that I chose, and only now understand the difficulties and complexities that my son and I both face) I see other adoptive parents in good, healthy and beneficial open adoptions – and yes, I’m jealous. I wish with all my heart that I could ’share’ (for lack of a more articulate word) him with who he deserves to be with.
BUT I can not change the past or how my son became my son – the fact is, I’m proud of him, and he is my son because of adoption.
Adoption was my first choice, I never thought of becoming a parent by any other means.
May 28, 2008 at 12:53 pm
[...] of ‘em. Because I’m apparently psychic, I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago for my WorkItMom.com post (because I’m a [...]
May 29, 2008 at 8:23 am
Why delete comments that are honest and articulate, by adoptive mothers who’ve proved your point incorrect?
While I may not agree with certain aspects of ‘anti-adoption’ viewpoints, I always try to take everyone’s thoughts and opinions into consideration. Apparently, open-mindedness is beyond the grasp of the forum of writers here. That’s really too bad – there seems to be useful and relative information on this site that so many could gain from by reading… but knowing that opinions can’t be expressed freely will only make enemies out of those who would’ve otherwise had the chance to become more informed about YOUR opinion.
May 29, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Naive much, people? Since when does one person speak for how “everyone” feels. This sort of black-and-white thinking that I’m seeing here is disturbing.
May 30, 2008 at 4:47 am
I understand the anger over the comment made by Lori.
However, I don’t “covet” other people’s children. I don’t want “someone else’s child to call me mommy.” I want someone else’s child to HAVE a mommy. My three kids were adopted from an overseas orphanage. Their parents are dead. Are y’all honestly saying that growing up in an orphanage is as good as, or better than, growing up in a loving family? Really?
I know that we need to give more aid to developing countries and that adoption is not the answer to poverty. But are y’all willing to sacrifice the millions of children who will grow up (and some of whom will die needlessly) in orphanages while we try to get the world to care more about poverty-stricken nations?
I know that domestic adoptions in these countries need to be increased, but in countries where much of the population lives on less than a dollar a day, do you really think that a million families are going to come forward to adopt the kids in the orphanages? We can’t even find enough foster families in this country, and we provide financial reimbursement for foster care.
I get really annoyed by anti-adoption websites and proponents who paint all adoptive parents as so baby-hungry that they will wrench children from the protesting arms of other women. My kids were 7, 9, and 12 when they came to us and had lived in an orphanage for 6 years. I am not a covetous, baby-hungry child stealer! Neither am I a savior/saint. I’m just a woman who loves kids and felt that I could give a loving home to some children who didn’t have one.
May 30, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Hi krissy, nothing here has been deleted. I didn’t post the comments for a few days because I haven’t had a chance to be here. Its not personal, i just wasn’t here. All comments here are posted and everyone has freedom of thought on this blog.
Hi kaydee, actually we’re not lumping all people together into one group here on the blog. Have a look around, stay for a while, you’d see the truth. You can also have a look at comment 16 where I reference this exact problem. No sense in repeating it. Its in comment 16.
Hi ramona, again please reference comment 16. And also the AntiAdoption? tag at the top ( which comment 16 references as well. ) I think after reading those your comment would change so.. i guess i’ll leave it at that.
(((Judy))) I respect you. I want to echo Sang-Shils comment number 24. I WAS second best. I WAS the last resort. I wouldn’t have come to them had their fertility treatments worked, had they been sucessful at having children of their own. As much as my amother tells me that she loves me, and has embraced me for my differences, as much as I love her, this isn’t something that love heals. This is my reality. This isn’t something she or he did wrong, this is just what it is. Its something I live with. Its something I know. Its part of my truth.
This is something that I have heard so many adoptees shout from the rooftops. At first, I was hurt by loris words to me, because they referenced a truth that is suppressed by society to adoptees a lot. So i resisted them at first. Now, it has almost freed me from the validation in her words. YES, i was second, really even third if i look at the process for my aparents trying to conceive. I was the last resort.
That doesn’t change me though. I am still me. I am happy being me. I LOVE me. Coming to my afamily as a last alternative, hurt me for many years. It burdened my childhood and teens. Its something I don’t find validation from unless i’m in an adoptee centric community.
I’m so happy that you have found a peace with how your son has come into your life. My aparents have too with me. That doesn’t change how I came into their lives though.
I don’t see why my being a last resort could be taken offensive to adoptive parents. That is my reality. I’m really comfortable here now, and actually I want to thank lori for that.
May 31, 2008 at 7:12 am
Thank you.
All we can do is tell Nate our story and help him process it. The rest — the feelings — are his. I can’t change those.
As I’ve said in my blog, I just hope he knows how much I love him.
May 31, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Maybe I should blog about infertility and the different ways people come to it.
Funny the memories that came up from this post, just now in fact. I’m just afraid that people will think that anything I say will sound defensive, but whatever.
All through my infertility treatments, I was part of a website of international adoptive parents — people who were planning to get their babies that way or were already parents that way. I kind of had one foot in infertility and one foot in adoption, if you will. We went the adoption route first because we thought it would be less expensive and easier and if we were going to try it at all, we had to then due to our ages.
One of my friends during infertility, when we talked about the possibility of adopting, said at one point, “Yeah, but I’d like to have my own first.” Even at that point, I shuddered at her choice of words, my own. I remember going home to Frank and saying that I hoped she got pregnant much more than I hoped that I did, that it was much more important for her. She did, with twins.
Maybe that’s where some of where the difference lies, at least with my husband and I. When I say that we always had adoption in our hearts, I actually mean it.
But again, it may sound defensive here. I don’t know. And like you say, no matter what we say, it will all be for our boy to process, figure out, and have his own emotions about. I do understand that.
May 31, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I mean we went the infertility treatment route first, of course.
June 2, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Thank you for your words. This thread and comments has brought up a lot for me too, i just need to find the time to sit down and put it all into words, hopefully tonight
June 4, 2008 at 2:20 pm
If you think that’s bad, you ought to try being the kid that was “kept” even though you knew on a daily basis that your conception was an accident and you weren’t wanted or needed.
That was me. My younger brother, my mother cried when she found out she was pregnant with him. Dad did tranquilizers and barbiturates to cope until he blew it shortly before my seventh birthday and I ended up being number three out of four kids with a single parent.
“Why didn’t you stop at two?!”
I used to ask her why she had kids at all. I could never figure that one out.
Mom *did* the fertility stuff of the day, y’see. I’m a DES daughter!
June 4, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Just a thought here…
Could it be that (some) adoptees experience this ‘second best’ feeling, but in reality it is simply a defense mechanism for the ego?
This second choice feeling could most simply come out of the adoptees need to protect the ego from the pain of the primary adoption loss. That is has nothing to do with actually being a second choice.
That the a-parents are infertile does not mean that the adoptee is second choice, at least not to me it didn’t. I don’t feel that way, my own children are most certainly NOT my second choice.
If I wanted to open a door in order to reach something that would mean everything to me, and I was handed a dozen keys to open it, I would try every one till I found the key that worked for me. The key that would be my FIRST choice would be the key that opened the door. It really would not matter if it was the first, or last one that I tried.
June 12, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I’ll stick by the thought that adoption is always 2nd best…straight from loss, so how could it not be?
It’s like throwing a party at a funeral ~ whatever floats your boat, but can’t change the reality.
June 25, 2008 at 8:40 pm
[...] some see adoption as a “second choice, that last resort” to parenting, I see my son’s adoption as simply my selfish desire to become a parent. [...]
July 25, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I’m not sure how I stumbled upon this thread..but I did and I had to say I had no idea anyone was anti-adoption. I’m learning a lot, and I understand there are always those who have misintentions and there is corruption, etc…but to be fundamentally anti-adoption??? I don’t get it. Truly there are kids out there who DO need someone. In any case, I am about to become an adoptive mother. I have a biological daughter who’s almost 3 years old. I’m not infertile. We’re adopting from an orphanage in India (we choose India because my husband is from there). I did extensive research to ensure as much as possible the use of ethical agencies. My motive to adopt is simple: I love being a mom and would like another child. In my mind, there are two ways to have children A) conceive or 2) adopt and both have equal status and the result is exactly the same. That’s in my mind of course. It was a surprise to me that this wasn’t in everyone’s mind. In any case, I would hope that my adopted daughter doesn’t turn out to be so bitter and hateful towards me for adopting her.
Maria
October 28, 2008 at 8:38 pm
you get to choose the gender of your adopted child?
December 2, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Adoptive mother here, never coveted anyone’s child, just wanted to raise a child in need of a home once I was sure this child was free to be raised by someone other than family. Didn’t like or identify with Lori’s comment. Typical infertile-couple entitlement drama. I actually agree with Mirah: get over it and teach a kid to read. If I were doing it now (again), I’d consider fostering. . .might yet, who knows.