I watched a video today of this girl in China who believed her new adoptive parents were coming to take her home. She had TB and it ends up that she can’t go home with them. The video is the future adoptive mother taping the goodbye. All screams of “put the camera down” aside… I want to talk about this moment in the little girls life and what it feels like to go through that.
I think its the core of my adoptee-ness. I have been there so many times. At her age she is probably so scared to hold onto someone, to love them, to open up to them and in the video it seems like she has established some amount of trust in the man, her future adoptive father.
Then it happens, 3/4 of the way into the video she “gets” it. They’re leaving and she’s not going with them. The screams, the pleads for them to not leave without her. The cries, pulling for them to stay, pushing those trying to keep her away….oh how I have been there.
The rage will follow, hatred, detachment and finally…the life saving numbness that will stay with her forever. By the time she’s my age she’ll be able to turn it on and off if she’s aware of it like I am. Use it as a body guard, shield, warrior of self. Detach, numb, forget, protect and move on. Survival mechanisms are beautiful things.
My adoptive mother hated it about me. I would never open up, my wall is there, and will remain forever. I don’t let people in past a certain point for the same reason this little chinese girl screamed in this video. Cause once you do, you become a slave to their presence, it then becomes a game to always make sure they’re there for you, not going to leave you, still love you, that they’re not mad at you, and never ever going to abandon you.
Those without separation issues just don’t get it. How could you, you have never lost a part of your being like this. Once you lose it, it doesn’t come back. Its not curable by love, by the return of someone to care for you, by a stuffed animal, food, material things, it can’t be fixed. All you have is yourself and those who have walked in your shoes.