A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment

Wow…there is SO much I see wrong in this article…I honestly cannot believe I’m reading it. Well that’s a lie, I can, because I know how utterly fucked up the adoption industry is but seeing it right now before my eyes at its best is stomach turning and humorous combined. I just came across this article: A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment written by Nina Easton. Click the link, read it…and then continue here ( if you dare. ) I’m about to dissect it. o.o

The first opening paragraph is already twisted and you can tell how the general feel of the entire article is going to go. This is an adoption industry article. Notice the last part of the final sentence of the first paragraph  “— even as the number of parents desperate for a baby grows.” This article is coming from the approach that the adoption is not about the adoptee…the adoption is about the adoptive parents and their desperation. This opening paragraph is blaming the social stigma of abandonment in adoption for the decline in adoptions. This article, should be CELEBRATING the fact that women are parenting more, but instead, its assuming they’re having more abortions.

Onto the next paragraph…so help me God.

“Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated.” Does she want to know why the choice is rarely celebrated by the adoptee or natural family? Because it hurt. Do you celebrate losing your mother or child? EVER? Is this article really suggesting that we CELEBRATE losing our families? Does the author know how utterly stupid that sounds? I can’t believe anyone would attach their name as the author to this shit. The next sentence is a positive one, but not from the authors perspective…”Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment,” nice work people, we are finally spreading the word. Looks like more people are ‘getting it’ and boo hoo its upset the baby sellers. How dare we speak out about our truths right?

The following sentence, she quotes a Utah adoption agency worker Kathy Kunkel who has also received the 2004 National Angels in Adoption award by the US Congress. For those of you who don’t know what that is, lets reference one of our enemies definitions of it…from adoption.com: Every year since 1999, the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI)
has been promoting adoption awareness at the top levels of the U.S. government, and each year, the CCAI has honored those who make extraordinary contributions to the welfare of children by presenting Angel in Adoption awards at a gala celebration in Washington, DC. This year, over 170 “Angel in Adoption” awards were presented at a dinner and awards ceremony on Thursday, September 23rd, at the Ronald Reagan Building & International Trade Center in Washington, D.C.” That was posted in 2004. My translation goes more along the lines of :  Workers who sold the most children for adoption. Much more clear, concise and to the point ( in my opinion.)

Lets skip to paragraph 4. My favorite. The NCFA has longtime been seen by me, as the enemy. They claim to be “for” adoptees, however they are for adoption and not adoptee centric in any way shape or form. They are more anti-adoptee from this adoptees perspective and having my name affiliated with them in any way other then exposing their sickness would not happen, ever. Notice in paragraphs 3 and 4 they use terminology that insinuates that we should indeed have more “birthmothers.” We only get a few thousand of them a year, and only 1% of pregnant women are getting adoption referrals. The pro-adoption lot must really have their panties in a twist. My favorite part of the entire article however is this:  And as council President Charles Johnson ( of the NCFA) told me in an interview: “Your decision is only as good as the information you’re given.”

Well at least he’s honest. I guess to Charles the information doesn’t have to be true and doesn’t have to be accurate if it doesn’t help the bank account get bigger. How dare these people use mothers day as a crutch to speak out to the world that abandonment isn’t happening in adoption. They’ve already tried to strip parents of their title by insulting them with birth terms. They try and celebrate “birth mothers day” the day BEFORE mothers day separating that motherhood bond just a little bit more. Now they want to scream out that there is no abandonment in adoption too. Just ignore all of the truths that are going on because its effecting our bank accounts and we’re only getting a few thousand birth mothers a year.

I can’t believe I have the stomach to even continue.

“A woman’s decision to carry a baby to term knowing that she will not reap the fruits of motherhood should be treated as an act of bravery and selflessness — the ultimate standards of good motherhood. How did it come to be considered an act of shame?” The ultimate standards of good motherhood is now giving your child away. This is how they sell adoption to scared pregnant women and this right here quiets my frustration and turns it into sadness. I ache for the girl who is alone, scared , and is told this. She is told its not abandonment, that its brave, selflessness, she’s a hero and exactly what a good mother should do. This is what they want you to believe, because it makes them money. This is how they lure you in. This is industry talk.

Did Johnson from the NCFA really just quote Moses as being a biblical inspirational adoptee in DEFENSE of adoption? I’m so curious if Mr. Johnson has even READ the bible and story of Moses or if he needs my translation on that as well…hence the name Gershom who is the first born son of Moses who’s name means I have been a stranger in a foreign land. Do they realize Moses left, and came back to the pharaoh and demanded he let his people go 7 times and all 7 were rejected so God cursed them with horrible plagues’ killing almost all of them. Ending in the death of the Pharaoh after he changed his mind after setting them free and chasing them to the red sea where Moses parted the waters and as the pharaoh follows God closed the seas on him ending in his death. That’s no adoptive father I’d like to be. They did get the forced surrender part right tho, the pharaoh ordered all boys in the kingdom to be killed, she had no choice but to send Moses away on a basket, it was that chance, or his death. That’s not exactly a relinquishment type scenario they should be advertising… imo.

Well its been fun, that’s about all I can take of this piece of work. Can’t believe an editor approved this mess for publishing. Hope you guys all have a great night and a Happy Mothers day…<3

11 responses to “A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment

  1. i like this article because I’ve written before that donor’s offspring have to loose half their family (sometimes all their family) in order to gain a step family and people just flip out saying how dare I suggest that they lost anything in the process.

    What is stupid about the article you reference is that it is not possible to equate adoption and abandonment because one is a cause of family separation and the other is a reaction to it. Telling someone you’re adopted tells them nothing other than at some point in your life someone legally adopted you. You can be a full grown adult with two parents who raised you and you can get adopted by someone. Maybe you were orphaned or maybe you were abandoned at birth without anyone knowing your parent’s names or maybe they abandoned you at 10 in a train station, maybe your mother thought she’d have her new husband do a step parent adoption because your Dad was at war in a foreign country and could not say no. Maybe your parents made a cogent rational (yet desperate) decision to respectfully relinquish you to an adoptive home because of the grinding poverty in your country and lack of social services to impoverished families. Maybe you were kidnapped and sold into adoption or maybe your parents were forced to give you up because they were under age. Maybe you were abused and neglected so badly that CPS intervened and it was a rare instance where taking the kid was actual justified for safety reasons rather than just reducing the number of women on welfare. Maybe your mother manufactured you for sale reproduced with a customer and bore you as a traditional surrogate with a 15 page detailed contract that included bonuses and provisions for 6 months of breast milk and a promise to relinquish parental rights and consent to adoption at birth.Not all of those situations would qualify as legal abandonment – but they all qualify as tragedy of family separation which just is not something to celebrate.

    I think it’s cool to make oneself available to raise a child whose been separated from their family but not to shop for children like objects. I don’t think they have to refer to themselves as Mom and Dad because then it’s like they’ll only help raise the kid of the kid acts as if they have no other family and that the people raising them get top billing for doing all the work. And work is the same as money – its sweat equity and it equates to quantifiable value man hours per dollar. So I don’t think a child becomes yours because you raised them and did the work that means you can work yourself into having title over another person. What if someone really put a lot of effort into trying to get you to be their spouse and you did not want to marry them?

  2. In England most adoptions are of children who have come from an abusive family and been placed in foster homes by social workers. They come from a family where there is domestic abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse etc etc. Are you honestly saying that these children should not be placed in a loving family where they can be cared for and allowed to heal? Would you really rather that they languish in foster care where they feel like nobody’s child and nobody wants them? These children cannot live with their birth parents as it would not be safe for them. There have been some terrible cases recently where young children, babies even have been tortured to death by their birth parents. Google the ‘Baby P’ case and you will be absolutely horrified!!! You really think he would not have been better off living with parents who were desperate for a child and would have loved him and cherished him and done everything they could to make his life good?

  3. There are some very unhappy people on this thread. For the life of me I can’t see how the actions of someone long ago causes people to be so screwed up. From reading this article and comments there is an industry of greedy people out there pouncing on every pregnant woman and forcing her to give up her child. So are all these women so gullible, stupid and just plain weak? First of all someone can’t approach you and ask for your child if you do not make the first contact. No one is going to come to your door and say I heard you are pregnant and I want you to know if you ever consider adoption here is my card.

    At the end of the day the child growing in a woman’s body is hers. She alone will make the decision to do what is right in her situation. If there was not an issue with her being pregnant then she would not have any decision to make. Anyone can scream at the top of their lungs to pregnant women that once they are expecting a baby they will have to keep the child regardless of any circumstances and nothing else is allowed. But we all know life takes unexpected twists and turns and so these women for whatever reason have to make this difficult choice.

    So now there is a cottage industry out there that wants to get abolish adoption. So if that happens will the need for these women to make choices also abolish. Most likely they will abandon children in unsafe situations or get abortions. There has never been a time in the entire civilization of man when all children were raised by their biological parents and that will also never happen in the future. Maybe I am seeing the glass half full but if I was adopted I would thank the birth mother for giving me life and make the best of what I have. I read about all these adopted people with incredibly fucked up lives all because they were not raised with their biological parents.

    Your life is what you make it and you can’t make others suffer because of it. Do you people realize when you are sitting there lamenting your less than idyllic growing years the birth parents are probably enjoying their life to the fullest thinking they have done the right thing for the adoptee. So let say you find the parents, give them grief for the adoption and vent until the cow comes home. Is that somehow going to make your life magically better and take away all the anger and bitterness. You people need to cherish life regardless of the circumstances. I am quite sure if you were able to communicate with the dead laying in cemetery plots, most or all of them would gladly change places with you in a heartbeat.

    • Hey susan thanks for your comment. Yes there were a lot of unhappy commentors, and I also agree there is a very large industry ( in the multi billions ) of greedy people out there willing to do whatever it takes to get babies. If you look at it from a marketing perspective, here you have this demand ” wanting a baby ” that far exceeds the supply “pregnant women looking to surrender their child to adoption” and poof, you have the drive of the money makers. Of course they’re going to re-word what it feels like to lose a child in adoption, of course they’re going to hide the icky truths, thats what a lot of money making industries do.

      Don’t mistake adoption for an act of parenting. I realize that some children have to be parented by parents who are not their own, I am not stupid. It doesn’t mean I believe in adoption. (read my article on alternatives to adoption if you want to dive further into my anti adoption views. ) As a matter of fact, read a few of my pages, i had a pretty sweet life honestly, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that the adoption industry needs to die, and a system designed for the true best interests of the children needs to be birthed.

      Yes your life is what you make of it, and abolishing adoption would only make the baby brokers suffer. They deserve to imo.

      Your entire last paragraph is full of what if’s and assumptions on what “us people” think o.o You can’t even debate a “what if” because I can just throw another ‘what if back at you.” Instead of getting defensive on a subject you’re clearly not informed on, I ask you to please inform yourself of my views before you try and question them. >>> go to the side bar, read the “posts I want you to read” and get a better understanding of “what I think” so that you don’t sound completely stupid when you try and question something I don’t even believe. And please don’t label me as “you people” I am one person. I represent myself and my blog and my views. I speak for nobody else but me. If you were meaning “you people” as adoptees, or anti adoption folks, well its just lil ole me here.

      If you haven’t been adopted ( which I gather you have not from your post ) please do not try and “if i was adopted i’d do this” speak as one. If i was, what if…its all the same. Lets talk about concrete ways to heal the wounded, change the broken industry, and make one for the kids! Lets talk about how to end the manipulation and the rights of the child. Lets talk about something more worthwhile then a what if. what do you say?

  4. I like you speaking out on this never ending subject. I am a mother who was lured in by an agency at a time in my life when I was not thinking clearly, they used the term open adoption it all sounded wonderful. My daughter is 10 years old she does not know who I am so much for the word open.

  5. Regarding Susan’s comments – I respect the opinion of everyone, after all this is America and the land free speech – I would however quote Ronald Reagan “I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” I would like to turn that around and say “Everyone who supports adoption has not been adopted”.

    Someone give me an example to the contrary.

    I would not say we are unhappy at all , we are confused with our identities having lost them so many years ago. I am a pretty happy camper most of the time. Do I suffer from being an adoptee – oh yes and big time, but I move on and accept the reality and try to find healing in it all.

    I wish more men would get on board and forget their vulnerabilities and just simply speak out. Whats up with that anyway!!

  6. so glad to hear that the word is getting out! It’s about what the adoptee feels, not what the rest feel the adoptee **should** feel. I wrote something in my journal earlier this year or maybe last year about how it doesn’t matter where or how an infant/child is ‘placed’ for adoption, to the child it is abandonment. Whether in a dumpster, or a police station, or a hospital crib, or the arms of waiting strangers..it is abandonment to the infant/child. Those feelings are very real and very painful. And they last a lifetime. They can be worked with, healed to some degree, but it takes work and effort to walk that walk. I too want to see the end of the adoption industry. Guardianship if necessary is a lovely solution. Anti-adoption…yeah I’m one of those. A mom who was drugged unconscious and kept in a stupor.. for 4 days after the day they took my son. I should have fought to the death for my son… even if they killed me. It would have been better than living since. I understand how he feels/would feel abandoned …by me. and God that hurts. I do think the best way to get the point across to the public is to show them that promoting adoption is promoting child abandonment.

    This mom says, you rock Gershom.

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