You left me

( Disclaimer: there are many mothers who have surrendered their children to adoption that read this blog, or have in the past who knows if anyone reads it now. However this isn’t about your surrender, or situation it’s about mine so don’t read on or take it personal when I’m reflecting on my anger today in regards to being surrendered to adoption. )

Aside from all of the work I have done, and in the last few years I have done a ton, aside from everything I know….everything in these pages that leads to why I am anti adoption, I get it all, I know it all…I feel it all, I understand and process it all in a somewhat healthy way I’d say…aside from it all….there is that tiny part of me, that still….34 years later looks at my natural mother and feels….you left me. If your love for me was everything you say it was…. If I was enough for you, you would have kept me.

I know there are reasons, I know there are excuses, I know there were circumstances that didn’t allow her too. I know many people didn’t want to lose their children to adoption, I know some of you fought very hard for it…. but at the end of it all… this lil fragile ball of a feeling inside of me…. it doesn’t go away.

If I was enough for you, you would have kept me. By any means necessary.

Because that’s what I would do for my children.

I look at parents who don’t parent, and I see weakness. I see giving up, and I am very turned away by it. The father of my children has chosen a life of drugs and prison instead of being a healthy fit role model father. All I see is weakness. Weakness in addiction, weakness in parenthood, all around weakness.

My mother has been visiting the area for a week now, she just called me today finally for the first time. My response: if your mother was in your town for a week and didn’t call you until 8 days later how would you feel? weakness.

I am not by any means a perfect parent, and yet I would never do these things to my children. I would never give up my rights to them ( yes I know some of you never had a choice and I’m not bashing you for that, this is my situation ) I’m tired of hearing that God influenced our separation and if God willing we’ll be brought together again with all the time we need to be a part of each others lives. I’m sick of waiting for higher powers to act upon my life when its gotten me nowhere in the past, I do things with my own two feet and hands and those who don’t…. are weak.

Anyone who can leave their child ( other than by force ) and let her go FUCK YOU.

That’s how I feel today. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. FUCK YOU for leaving your kids and letting us grow up and pick up our own pieces. fuck you for not raising us. fuck you for turning me into a weak people pleaser for a huge part of my life because I was terrified any person I grew close to would leave me. FUCK YOU FOR THAT.

So I replied to her… that I was hurt. I’m sick of being on the back-burner ALWAYS since I was 3 days old. That my children and I deserve time, and priority and if she doesn’t give it to us….I’m done. I want out. I found my mother, I know my mother but i’m grown up now and if she wants time in my life, she’s going to make it and prioritize it because I will be damned if my children grow up feeling insignificant too.

Been a while since I posted, but I haven’t had anything adoption related to really put into words on my blog. I’m starting to do a lot of inner healing atm, yoga and life coaching and holistic therapy…..its bound to ripple the water here soon.

I hope everyone had an amazing summer, thank you for reading and commenting. I’m really not sorry if this pisses anyone off… this is how I feel and this is my blog and I’m not going to tip toe for anyone….I’ve given that up this year.

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9 responses to “You left me

  1. Perhaps this should be titled raging inner child takes control after being ignored and neglected by the mature rational adult. Are we really to be surprised that one incapable of compassion or empathy isn’t likely to receive any? Sad. I hope the author can do some inner child work and give some love to the petulant toddler inside. It would really do some good to understand the difference between beliefs and feelings because she is very confused on this concept. The mature rational adult would understand. I hope the child allows her to come out.

  2. I am one of those weak mothers. I didn’t know it at the time, I thought I was brave and Saintly, righting my wrong for my child, giving her two parents. But F her, that stupid weak young woman who so easily walked away with no knowledge of how her daughter’s life would turn out, just bullshit assurances that she was so much better off with these perfect parents. Weak.Stupid.Weak
    My daughter is also 34 years old and she does have the highest priority in my life. But even so, I understand why she must have a part of her who is disgusted by me. Hell, I’m disgusted by that weak young woman that I was in 1980. But I can’t turn back the clock so I do what I can to make today as good as I can. I try to nudge our relationship along with invitations for visits. She doesn’t like the phone so I back off of the phone. I just try to make her life a little more pleasant and joyful by my presence in it.
    And that’s all I can do now. I was weak and stupid to leave her to strangers to raise. Your post was right on. I wish every pregnant woman in crisis would read it. Every.last.one.

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