I’m looking for a reform group that’s trying to reform adoption on an industry level. I’m not talking about just Open Records ( like that’s some lil issue 😛 ) I mean laws surrounding adoption, regulating agencies and lawyers, private adoptions…. where are these groups? Can someone point me to them? its been a while 😛
I find myself reading and reading and having so much I want to blog on and yet I get so emotionally involved in these posts I end up “drafting” them in order to not sound like a raging lunatic troubled by the frustrations and downright corruption in adoption and the foster care system….. I just want to scream at all these idiots like WTF are you doing THESE ARE CHILDREN, and then I cry….and save draft and move onto the next one…
I hope your day is beautiful.
10 years ago I wouldn’t have understood this to the depth that I understand it now, and for that I am grateful. Ten years ago this would have hurt me tremendously and I probably would have withdrawn into a wall building adoptee hiding comfort zone and disappeared from my mother for a few months until I felt strong enough to say hello again. Today tho, the only part of it that weakens me is the reality of what she has to do to keep going on, and what a reflection that is of how she has had to do it her entire life after losing me.
In July my grandfather passed away. My mother has been taking care of him for the last 5 years of his life. I get mixed feelings from his passing, he was a crucial influence in me being left behind at the hospital 3 days after my birth and its hard for me to let go of that. I did meet him once however and it was a nice comforting visit. He was a very strong man, remembered for decapitating men in Vietnam war and eating raw liver, one of the last things I remember him telling me is the wise men say the least and listen most. He said this to me after I sat around him very quiet observing his every move.
Now that he has passed away my mother has come out to my area to plan his services and is here for a few weeks to make sure it all goes smoothly and to visit my children and me. We sat around the table at our visit that I blogged about yesterday and I noticed more than once my mother made reference to never experiencing a pain like that of losing her father since her brother died and then her…. and each time she got to “her” her eyes would meet mine and I “know” she was going to say “her daughter” but she would catch herself and stop. She doesn’t speak of her loss of me.
Ten years ago I would have felt like that meant my loss wasn’t significant enough to mention. That it didn’t impact her life in the way these other two deaths had, and that I wasn’t a big “loss” when we parted ways on my third day of life. Today however, I know that means something very different. I know that society doesn’t recognize a mother surrendering her child and continuing on with life as a painful experience. I know that that loss, when spoken of is often met with “what a selfless act, what a wonderful thing you’ve done, how incredible of you to have done that” which in return suppresses that pain even deeper.
I can relate to this. I did it for years when faced with adoption related topics or topics of loss, because my mother did all of that FOR me to have a better life, what a selfless thing for her to do and I must be so very grateful for that opportunity at a better life. It FEELS BETTER for outsiders to believe that. Hell it feels better for insiders to believe it until the truth finds its way out and eventually it always does. I mean that’s really the core of being in the Koolaid drinking happy adoptee land, you’re believing the happy myths…. that surrendering you was wonderful, well you might not be “believing them” because your soul doesn’t lie to you, deep down you know it hurts, but you’re saying them, maybe even convincing yourself of them or trying very hard to, because should you realize that reality isn’t reality at all, suddenly “reality” becomes very scary and vulnerable.
What would have happened if instead of pausing when my mother wanted to tell the waiter that she hasn’t experienced a loss like this since she lost her daughter, how would he have reacted? Would he have assumed I was dead? Would he have empathized with her? Would he have recognized it as a loss and told her how sorry he was for her loss? I believe these to be viable outcomes had this happened. Humor me for a moment and imagine what would have happened if she had then told him, she hasn’t felt a loss like this since she loss her daughter to adoption. Would she have been met with the same empathy? Maybe from you or me, because we’re reading adoption blogs and up to “par” on adoption loss but the average stranger… no, no I don’t believe she would have found that sympathy. Instead the suppressive rhetoric begins doesn’t it? Oh you gave a daughter up for adoption? How wonderful of you!! OMG you’re a birthmom how selfless!!!! What a heroic act of kindness you did!!! Immediately invalidating the tremendous loss that would follow a mother losing her child to adoption regardless of how that “choice” came to be…. pain is what it is.
It reminds me of growing up…often I would get depressed thinking about why my parents gave me up and I’d almost be ready to reach out to someone about it and as soon as I’d say how I was adopted i’d hear ” oh you’re so lucky I always wanted to be adopted! ” “how nice of your mom to give you a better life” “you must be so grateful you weren’t aborted” its the same kind of suppressive “support” I spoke of in reference to my mother above. It has to be societies way of not understanding this in-depth reality we find in adoption and their poor attempt to “get it.” I don’t feel like they have bad intentions in saying these things but they just do… because it’s all over the media, its in all the magazines, its in the adoption agencies this false propaganda of happiness following separation and loss its polluting reality.
I see it happening with people who have had miscarriages or found out they’re living a life with infertility. I personally have never been in that shoe, I have 3 natural children of my own, but I watch it happen to them. It happened to my adoptive parents, as SOON as infertility was discovered ADOPTION was pushed. Why? Adoption doesn’t cure infertility. Adoptees don’t “fix” the loss of not having children of your own. The two aren’t connected and yet society just doesn’t get it or want to hear it because they haven’t before and its easier to make all that “ugly” “uncomfy” “icky” feelings be portrayed as minor problems that can be fixed with adoption….and yet….they can’t be.
It’s okay to feel pain from loss, in fact it’s very healthy to, and it’s just as okay to own those feelings, talk about those feelings and correct people when they misinterpret those feelings, they are YOUR feelings. I know that for a long time I tried to drink that kooliad, I wanted that bullshit fake “omg you were so lucky to be adopted” to be true, I wanted to be lucky…but when you spend a lifetime trying to convince yourself that pain = happiness destructive patterns are bound to happen and that can be very dangerous. If you are one of these people who are having to hide your pain from the average Joe because you’d rather not “go there” with the ignorant…I get it…and I feel you. If you’re living a life where people are continually telling you to be grateful about something that hurts so bad you could scream in frustration from the highest mountain…I get it…I feel you…and I’m sorry. I’m here for you. Don’t be afraid to own your truth. Its yours and nobody can take it from you. The more you speak out about it, the more we can fix this broken part of the industry, the more we can make the road smoother for those who walk down it after us and the more we can help each other heal….god willing…we might even prevent it one day ❤
Mothers day…. I dislike this day a ton. In my own family ( I have 3 daughters ) I feel like mothers day should be everyday! And my daughters ( the ones who can talk beyond babbling 😛 ) are really good at appreciating me and each other. They do tell me they love and appreciate me on a daily basis and I feel so fortunate that I have such amazing kids.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was at my amothers house on mothers day and was cooking her dinner and my daughters father gave ME a mothers day card. We didn’t have any born children yet, but in 4 months I was due with our first. My amom laughed and quickly silenced my enjoyment telling me it WASN’T my first mothers day, motherhood came from parenting your child, not merely growing one in your belly…I’ll never forget that laugh. It was so dismissive. It took every bit of joy I had in me and just killed it. We ended up arguing about it right there at the table.
“Carrying a baby is no easy task!” I shouted, “and I’ll have you know that the baby grows more in utero then any other time in his/her life! and she’s doing it INSIDE OF ME!” I continued “Its no easy task, everything about me is different and I’m sacrificing everything for her LIFE!!!”
Shortly after I got up and walked out.
My daughter was born a healthy 7lbs even and 21 inches long at 1:29 am that September. I held her and stared at her all night. counted and recounted her toes, sang her happy birthday as the sun came up, never fell asleep, I just gazed at her for hours. The nurses would come in and try to take her to the nursery ( what a joke )so I could rest but soon they realized the closer they came my guard dog like traits would soon show their teeth and after the 2nd day they backed off quite a bit.
The following mothers day, I was two months pregnant with my second child. Nobody knew except their father and me. Silly me I thought telling my amom the great news on mothers day would be a wonderful surprise. I was in her garage, we were walking in from just getting home and as I walked in behind her I told her I had some really great news…we’re having another baby!!!!!!!! Her face went blank. She walked out of the room and went upstairs…I followed. First words out of her mouth….”you don’t even have a savings account. You need to be looking into abortion, or giving it to a family who deserves a baby…”
I look back on that moment now and I can see this wasn’t my mother, this was miss-counseled infertility pain and brainwashing by the adoption industry. In the moment tho…those were fighting words. I passed my daughter to her father and asked him to go buckle her in the car seat. We were leaving. He did. I stayed upstairs. I informed her that if she ever suggested I give my child away to adoption, let alone kill it in an abortion clinic I would never speak to her again, and at this time I didn’t know when I could stomach speaking to her ever. I left. We didn’t talk for the remainder of my pregnancy.
After my daughter was born at 9:19 pm at the birthing center, I called her around 11pm. Told her she was born, a healthy 8.5 pounds, 20 inches long, and beautiful and I hung up.
I was so mad at my amother for years for what she did to me on those two mothers days. BTW she doesn’t remember either of them, has 0 recollection of them at all. I’ve tried to go back and get some resolution on them and in her mind those days do not exist. I can’t explain it but its like she completely wiped them from her memory. I was SO MAD at her for months, it was eating me alive…how my own mother could suggest I surrender a child when at that time she damn well knew how much I hated adoption, and then suggest I have an abortion…that hurt more then I can even put into words. Its easier when a stranger suggests it to you, but my mother… bleh.
My two daughters are now 7 and 8. I’d like to say I’m more mature, but maybe they’ve just taught me patience with or without my consent. lol. I feel like I can step out of the OMFG YOU JUST TOLD ME TO SURRENDER MY DAUGHTER TO ADOPTION I BAN YOU TO HELL FOR LIFE mode, and enter the…OMFG THE INDUSTRY REALLY BRAINWASHED YOU TOO mode. That wasn’t my mother speaking to me, that was the lies she was told by the industry and bought because it felt so good to hear. Idk what it feels like to not be able to have children of your own, being told you deserve them must be sort of soothing. I can’t imagine what it feels like, I can try to, and I have but I’ve never been and will never be there. I am done having kids. I have my 3 that I wanted and I didn’t even have to “try” for them, it’s a joke in my family that my partners pee and I get pregnant… *rolls eyes* I’m not typing that to wave my fertility in anyone’s face, I’m just shouting out clearly I have never been there. To pretend to know what it feels like would only be an insult to people who walk in those shoes. I’m sure mothers day, for a women who’s been trying to have children for years and can’t…isn’t very fun either. Nor is it fun for the mother who lost her child to adoption, … see how it comes full circle. Fuck this day.
So what am I going to do to get passed all of this…baggage that I associate on this stupid day? Celebrate my children, and especially on every other day of the year, teach them that we don’t need stupid holidays to appreciate one another. Tomorrow is never promised, if we feel love and appreciation for someone, we need to tell them NOW and in that moment because we don’t know how long we have to tell them. I’m going to call my natural mother on Sunday and probably sob for an hour into her ear and tell her how much I love her. Then I’m going to feel icky and go to my amoms house for dinner that her and my daughters are cooking for me because something in me fears mothers day and my amothers house now…. even after all these years. Nevertheless i’ll put a smile on my face, push the fear away and go and hope it turns out good like the last few have.
I hope this day is survivable for any readers who are reading this. I think I’ll go escape for the rest of my night into video games lol ( yep…i’m a mom who games 😛 ) guildwars2 BRING IT!
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, and every time I start thinking about what I will write, I “sigh.” Maybe because its one of the most common questions asked to me, its something I’ve repeated so many times, and still something that baffles me because I can’t believe so many people actually think this way.
I guess first I want to start out by saying, I’m a monkey, and anyone who knows or believes anything about Chinese year signs knows we’re curious and inquisitive. Maybe its the monkey in me or maybe its something else but I have never been one of those people who can just accept an answer because it is said to me. I am one of those people continually questioning my beliefs to make sure they are concrete. If there is anything I want the readers of this to understand it’s that I have tried numerous times to talk myself out of being anti adoption more times than I can count. I don’t want it to be this way. I have questioned my beliefs to such a great extent I feel like I can argue the oppositions side better than they can most of the time.
So when yet another comment comes through in my feed asking me what alternatives i would have preferred for my life since I was in foster care, or what i would like to see happen to the thousands of parent-less children who need families and their families can’t take care of them I cringe. It feels like society is stuck in this bubble that there is parenting your own child….or adoption. There is no in-between, there is no alternative, there is no other option it is one or the other, black or white… children who cannot for whatever reason stay with their family should be GRATEFUL they are adopted and had numerous rights violated in the process and just hush already. How dare we bastards fight for equality because you know the alternative don’t you….we could have been aborted. lol.
I want to write this out and just link it up to the sidebar so that I can just refer commenter’s there because honest to god they come in the hundreds.
Adoption to me is not parenting. It does not consist of parenting. Adoption, is a legal act of transferring legal parental rights to parties. Here is the wiki definition:
- Adoption, the legal act of permanently placing a child with non-biological (adoptive) parents other than the biological (natural) parents.
It has nothing to do with the actual parenting of a child on an emotional level it is simply defining the legal act of taking another’s child in permanently.
That being said….I am not against the non biological parental figures of a child raising him/her when his/her natural parents TRULY cannot. I am WELL aware that there are some parents who are not fit to raise their children. I have sole and full custody of my children, I have taken their father to court and fought to have his rights taken until he is sober and in the right state of mind to be caring for children because at this time and for the past 4 years he has not been. I get it. I know the world isn’t perfect and not everyone can raise their babies.
However, I am not seeking a perfect world when I say that I oppose adoption, I’m speaking out for equality for adoptees. What IS possible is replacement parents, raising other people’s children without violating the rights that the adoptee has violated in every legal adoption of today. (Name changes, fee’s exchanged for the adoption of children, fee’s differing on race, altered birth certificates, sealed birth certificates. People profiting off of an adoption in any way shape or form… ) THE LEGAL PROCESS of adoption, violates numerous rights of the adoptee and that is a fact. That, ladies in gentlemen is what I am adamantly against. I am pro adoptee and honestly ALL of you should be. Adoptive parents, Parents who have surrendered and Adoptees should ALL be against the above things. ANYONE who isn’t hasn’t dug deep enough into the industry then to even have a say imo. loll. And i realize that sounds harsh but there is no good reason any of you wouldn’t be pro adoptee and anti adoption after putting some thought into it. Every argument can be discredited and the rights of the adoptee should always supersede the needs and wants of anyone else in the industry because after all, the adoption is for us…. isn’t it?
Bit of a rant but I’m so sick and tired of people being so ignorant to the fight for adoptee rights and just so closed-minded all together to not see the big picture of what is going on here to ask something so stupid as what would I like to have happened then? What would I like to have happened if I hadn’t been adopted?
To be kept…for my mother to have been given the same amount of support to PARENT me that she was to surrender me for a start. Had she still not been able to and she still felt the need to place me with replacement parents, how about not changing my name at 8 months old? I had a name. and as a mother to 3 I know that my children all knew their name at 8 months… I dreamt about my birth-name, I called myself it when i would play with friends as i grew older, i named my stuffed animals my birth-name and all the while not even my adoptive parents knew what it had been. How about keeping my birth certificate….real? Not altering or sealing it for starters, and there shouldn’t EVER be a single person profiting off of adoption.
Respecting and honoring the rights of the adoptee are the alternatives I’d like to see in adoption. Point me to where the adoptee is even legally represented and honored in the process of adoption please? Because I’m just not seeing it…
Sure we can get into the whole bypassing of “adoption” all together, try legal guardianship, try becoming the legal guardians of a mothertobe who wants to keep her baby and helping to raise your new grandchild instead of separating the two. People call adoption a selfless act but I can find quite a few more selfless avenues where the adoptee is respected if you want the “selfless act” title to be legit.
I honestly can’t believe people don’t see this and are so stuck in adoption as such a mighty act of kindness to a needy infant… it’s so insulting and flat-out mind-boggling to me.
Bleh, I’ll finish this another day and post it up as is…ha! Hope everyone is well and enjoying spring! My garden is growing and my ducks and chickens are flocking around, enjoying the sunshine as I am. peace!