You left me


( Disclaimer: there are many mothers who have surrendered their children to adoption that read this blog, or have in the past who knows if anyone reads it now. However this isn’t about your surrender, or situation it’s about mine so don’t read on or take it personal when I’m reflecting on my anger today in regards to being surrendered to adoption. )

Aside from all of the work I have done, and in the last few years I have done a ton, aside from everything I know….everything in these pages that leads to why I am anti adoption, I get it all, I know it all…I feel it all, I understand and process it all in a somewhat healthy way I’d say…aside from it all….there is that tiny part of me, that still….34 years later looks at my natural mother and feels….you left me. If your love for me was everything you say it was…. If I was enough for you, you would have kept me.

I know there are reasons, I know there are excuses, I know there were circumstances that didn’t allow her too. I know many people didn’t want to lose their children to adoption, I know some of you fought very hard for it…. but at the end of it all… this lil fragile ball of a feeling inside of me…. it doesn’t go away.

If I was enough for you, you would have kept me. By any means necessary.

Because that’s what I would do for my children.

I look at parents who don’t parent, and I see weakness. I see giving up, and I am very turned away by it. The father of my children has chosen a life of drugs and prison instead of being a healthy fit role model father. All I see is weakness. Weakness in addiction, weakness in parenthood, all around weakness.

My mother has been visiting the area for a week now, she just called me today finally for the first time. My response: if your mother was in your town for a week and didn’t call you until 8 days later how would you feel? weakness.

I am not by any means a perfect parent, and yet I would never do these things to my children. I would never give up my rights to them ( yes I know some of you never had a choice and I’m not bashing you for that, this is my situation ) I’m tired of hearing that God influenced our separation and if God willing we’ll be brought together again with all the time we need to be a part of each others lives. I’m sick of waiting for higher powers to act upon my life when its gotten me nowhere in the past, I do things with my own two feet and hands and those who don’t…. are weak.

Anyone who can leave their child ( other than by force ) and let her go FUCK YOU.

That’s how I feel today. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. FUCK YOU for leaving your kids and letting us grow up and pick up our own pieces. fuck you for not raising us. fuck you for turning me into a weak people pleaser for a huge part of my life because I was terrified any person I grew close to would leave me. FUCK YOU FOR THAT.

So I replied to her… that I was hurt. I’m sick of being on the back-burner¬†ALWAYS since I was 3 days old. That my children and I deserve time, and priority and if she doesn’t give it to us….I’m done. I want out. I found my mother, I know my mother but i’m grown up now and if she wants time in my life, she’s going to make it and prioritize it because I will be damned if my children grow up feeling insignificant too.

Been a while since I posted, but I haven’t had anything adoption related to really put into words on my blog. I’m starting to do a lot of inner healing atm, yoga and life coaching and holistic therapy…..its bound to ripple the water here soon.

I hope everyone had an amazing summer, thank you for reading and commenting. I’m really not sorry if this pisses anyone off… this is how I feel and this is my blog and I’m not going to tip toe for anyone….I’ve given that up this year.

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You think this shit doesn’t exist anymore….


And then you read something like this… Republican Texas Judge Orders Couple To Live Apart Or Lose Custody Of ¬†Child

No this isn’t about adoption. No this child isn’t an adoptee. But you know what? This deserves some recognition. I am completely¬†appalled¬†at this judge and the order he has given. I cannot imagine any judge telling me that I couldn’t have visitors to my house past a certain time just because he didn’t agree with my sexual preference. ¬†If the father of my children tried to gain custody of our girls and the judge didn’t like my girlfriend ( if I had one ) and said she¬†couldn’t¬†stay the night anymore…i would be so furious. JUST BECAUSE ITS TWO WOMEN. These women did nothing to provoke this judgement other then be in love. Is their love that threatening to this judge? That he must enact an order against them living together? They’re not even seeking marriage, there is no law that I see that should make them stay apart at night. This judge is homophobic, and an insult to human rights.

Rant over. I will waste no more time on this nonsense bit of discrimination unless it involves equality and freedom for everyone.

Craigslist “adoption” foiled


Have you guys seen this? What are your thoughts on this? You can read about it here.

Basically a women posted an ad on craigslist saying she didn’t think she could take care of her son, who is 3 and was looking for a couple to adopt him. The post got pulled and the police have gotten involved.

“Police are charging Redus with a misdemeanor offense, saying that she “unlawfully intentionally and knowingly advertised in the public media, namely Craigslist, her son, Conner Danger Redus, for adoption.” The posting was placed on May 1, according to police.”

Her charges are what gets me. Now for the record I do not agree with what she did. However what is so different from what she did then say an agency putting up an ad? Or adoptive parents putting up an add saying they’re looking to adopt. How many people do you think responded to her add? “She told police she did respond to several reply messages to adopt her son.”

I”m just confused on why she would be arrested and charged with a¬†misdemeanor¬†for not going to an agency to place her son, but trying to place him on her own. ¬†Yes, now she says that she didn’t plan to place him etc etc. Maybe she was going to scam the couples for money, who knows you can only guess at this point, but I think if theyr’e not going to allow mothers to place their children in ad’s on the net, then they need to pull all adds in that energy down, adoptive parents, paps, adoption agencies, private adoption lawyers….BRING THEM ALL DOWN! One simple google for “craigslist looking to adopt” and a goldmine pops up.. example 1 2 3¬†. LUCKILY…in that same google I found the lovely claud blogging about this horrific tragedy as well: READ HER GREAT POST HERE. Again, my position is charge them all with misdemeanors! Yes ma’am thats my position and I’m sticking to it! Back to gardening I go…its me vs the squirrels round 4 and the squirrels are totally winning.

A Mother‚Äôs Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment


Wow…there is SO much I see wrong in this article…I honestly cannot believe I’m reading it. Well that’s a lie, I can, because I know how utterly fucked up the adoption industry is but seeing it right now before my eyes at its best is stomach turning and humorous combined. I just came across this article: A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment¬†written by Nina Easton. Click the link, read it…and then continue here ( if you dare. ) I’m about to dissect it. o.o

The first opening paragraph is already twisted and you can tell how the general feel of the entire article is going to go. This is an adoption industry article. Notice the last part of the final¬†sentence of the first paragraph¬†¬†“‚ÄĒ even as the number of parents desperate for a baby grows.” This article is coming from the approach that the adoption is not about the adoptee…the adoption is about the adoptive parents and their desperation. This opening paragraph is blaming the social stigma of abandonment in adoption for the decline in adoptions. This article, should be CELEBRATING the fact that women are parenting more, but instead, its assuming they’re having more abortions.

Onto the next paragraph…so help me God.

“Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated.” Does she want to know why the choice is rarely celebrated by the adoptee or natural family? Because it hurt. Do you celebrate losing your mother or child? EVER? Is this article really suggesting that we CELEBRATE losing our families? Does the author know how utterly stupid that sounds? I can’t believe anyone would attach their name as the author to this shit. The next sentence is a positive one, but not from the authors perspective…”Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment,” nice work people, we are finally spreading the word. Looks like more people are ‘getting it’ and boo hoo its upset the baby sellers. How dare we speak out about our truths right?

The following sentence, she quotes a Utah adoption agency worker Kathy Kunkel who has also received the 2004 National Angels in Adoption award by the US Congress. For those of you who don’t know what that is, lets reference one of our enemies definitions of it…from adoption.com: Every year since 1999, the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI)
has been promoting adoption awareness at the top levels of the U.S. government, and each year, the CCAI has honored those who make extraordinary contributions to the welfare of children by presenting Angel in Adoption awards at a gala celebration in Washington, DC. This year, over 170 “Angel in Adoption” awards were presented at a dinner and awards ceremony on Thursday, September 23rd, at the Ronald Reagan Building & International Trade Center in Washington, D.C.” That was posted in 2004. My translation goes more along the lines of :¬† Workers who sold the most children for adoption. Much more clear, concise and to the point ( in my opinion.)

Lets skip to paragraph 4. My favorite. The NCFA¬†has longtime been seen by me, as the enemy. They claim to be “for” adoptees, however they are for adoption and not adoptee centric in any way shape or form. They are more anti-adoptee from this adoptees perspective and having my name affiliated with them in any way other then¬†exposing their sickness would not happen, ever. Notice in paragraphs 3 and 4 they use terminology that insinuates that we should indeed have more “birthmothers.” We only get a few thousand of them a year, and only 1% of pregnant women are getting adoption referrals. The pro-adoption lot must really have their panties in a twist. My favorite part of the entire article however is this: ¬†And as council President Charles Johnson ( of the NCFA)¬†told me in an interview: ‚ÄúYour decision is only as good as the information you‚Äôre given.‚ÄĚ

Well at least he’s honest. I guess to Charles the information doesn’t have to be true and doesn’t have to be accurate if it doesn’t help the bank account get bigger. How dare these people use mothers day as a crutch to speak out to the world that abandonment isn’t happening in adoption. They’ve already tried to strip¬†parents of their title by insulting them with birth terms. They try and celebrate “birth mothers day” the day BEFORE mothers day separating that motherhood bond just a little bit more. Now they want to scream out that there is no abandonment in adoption too. Just ignore all of the truths that are going on because its effecting our bank accounts and we’re only getting a few thousand birth mothers a year.

I can’t believe I have the stomach to even continue.

“A woman‚Äôs decision to carry a baby to term knowing that she will not reap the fruits of motherhood should be treated as an act of bravery and selflessness ‚ÄĒ the ultimate standards of good motherhood. How did it come to be considered an act of shame?” The ultimate standards of good motherhood is now giving your child away. This is how they sell adoption to scared¬†pregnant women and this right here quiets my frustration and turns it into sadness. I ache for the girl who is alone, scared , and is told this. She is told its not abandonment, that its brave, selflessness, she’s a hero and exactly what a good mother should do. This is what they want you to believe, because it makes them money. This is how they lure you in. This is industry talk.

Did¬†Johnson from the NCFA¬†really just quote Moses as being a biblical inspirational¬†adoptee in DEFENSE of adoption? I’m so curious if Mr. Johnson has even READ the bible and story of Moses or if he needs my translation on that as well…hence the name Gershom who is the first born¬†son of Moses who’s name means I have been a stranger in a foreign land. Do they realize Moses¬†left, and came back to the pharaoh and demanded he let his people go 7 times and all 7 were rejected so God¬†cursed them with horrible plagues’ killing¬†almost all of them. Ending in the death of the Pharaoh after he changed his mind after setting them free and chasing them to the red sea where Moses parted the waters and as the pharaoh follows God closed the seas on him ending in his death. That’s no adoptive father I’d like to be.¬†They did get the forced surrender part right tho, the pharaoh ordered all boys in the kingdom to be killed, she had no¬†choice but to send Moses away on a basket, it was that chance, or his death. That’s not exactly a relinquishment¬†type scenario¬†they should be advertising… imo.

Well its been fun, that’s about all I can take of this piece of work. Can’t believe an editor approved this mess for publishing. Hope you guys all have a great night and a Happy Mothers day…<3

Mothers Day


Mothers day…. I dislike this day a ton. In my own family ( I have 3 daughters ) I feel like mothers day should be everyday! And my daughters ( the ones who can talk beyond babbling ūüėõ ) are really good at appreciating me and each other. They do tell me they love and appreciate me on a daily basis and I feel so fortunate that I have such amazing kids.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was at my amothers¬†house on mothers day¬†and was cooking her dinner and my daughters father gave ME a mothers day¬†card. We didn’t have any born children yet, but in 4 months I was due with our first. My amom laughed and quickly silenced my enjoyment telling me it WASN’T my first mothers day, motherhood came from parenting your child, not merely growing one in your belly…I’ll never forget that laugh. It was so dismissive. It took every bit of joy I had in me and just killed it. We ended up arguing about it right there at the table.

“Carrying a baby is no easy task!” I shouted, “and I’ll have you know that the baby grows more in utero then¬†any other time in his/her life! and she’s doing it INSIDE OF ME!” I continued “Its no easy task, everything about me is different and I’m sacrificing everything for her LIFE!!!”

Shortly after I got up and walked out.

My daughter was born a healthy 7lbs even and 21 inches long at 1:29 am that September.  I held her and stared at her all night. counted and recounted her toes, sang her happy birthday as the sun came up, never fell asleep, I just gazed at her for hours. The nurses would come in and try to take her to the nursery ( what a joke )so I could rest but soon they realized the closer they came my guard dog like traits would soon show their teeth and after the 2nd day they backed off quite a bit.

The following mothers day, I was two months pregnant with my second child. Nobody knew except their father and me. Silly me I thought telling my amom¬†the great news on mothers day would be a wonderful surprise. I was in her garage, we were walking in from just getting home and as I walked in behind her I told her I had some really great news…we’re having another baby!!!!!!!! Her face went blank. She walked out of the room and went upstairs…I followed. First words out of her mouth….”you don’t even have a savings account. You need to be looking into abortion, or giving it to a family who deserves a baby…”

I look back on that moment now and I can see this wasn’t my mother, this was miss-counseled infertility pain and brainwashing by the adoption industry. In the moment tho…those were fighting words. I passed my daughter to her father and asked him to go buckle her in the car seat. We were leaving. He did. I stayed upstairs. I informed her that if she ever suggested I give my child away to adoption, let alone kill it in an abortion clinic I would never speak to her again, and at this time I didn’t know when I could stomach speaking to her ever. I left. We didn’t talk for the remainder of my pregnancy.

After my daughter was born at 9:19 pm at the birthing center, I called her around 11pm. Told her she was born, a healthy 8.5 pounds, 20 inches long, and beautiful and I hung up.

I was so mad at my amother¬†for years for what she did to me on those two mothers days.¬†BTW she doesn’t remember either of them, has 0 recollection of them at all. I’ve tried to go back and get some resolution on them and in her mind those days do not exist. I can’t explain it but its like she completely wiped them from her memory. I was SO MAD at her for months, it was eating me alive…how my own mother could suggest I surrender a child when at that time she damn well knew how much I hated adoption, and then suggest I have an abortion…that hurt more then¬†I can even put into words. Its easier when a stranger suggests it to you, but my mother… bleh.

My¬†two daughters are now 7 and 8. I’d like to say I’m more mature, but maybe they’ve just taught me patience with or without my consent. lol. I feel like I can step out of the OMFG¬†YOU JUST TOLD ME TO SURRENDER MY DAUGHTER TO ADOPTION I BAN YOU TO HELL FOR LIFE mode, and enter the…OMFG THE INDUSTRY REALLY BRAINWASHED YOU TOO mode.¬† That wasn’t my mother speaking to me, that was the lies she was told by the industry and bought because it felt so good to hear. Idk¬†what it feels like to not be able to have children of your own, being told you deserve them must be sort of soothing. I can’t imagine what it feels like, I can try to, and¬†I have but I’ve never been and will never be there. I am done having kids. I have my 3 that I wanted and I didn’t even have to “try” for them, it’s a joke in my family that my partners pee and I get pregnant… *rolls eyes* I’m not typing that to wave my fertility in anyone’s face, I’m just shouting out clearly I have never been there. To pretend to know what it feels like would only be an insult to people who walk in those shoes. I’m sure mothers day, for a women who’s been trying to have children for years and can’t…isn’t very fun either. Nor is it fun for the mother who lost her child to adoption, … see how it comes full circle. Fuck this day.

So what am I going to do to get passed all of this…baggage that I associate on this stupid day? Celebrate my children, and especially on every other day of the year, teach them that we don’t need stupid holidays to appreciate one another. Tomorrow is never promised, if we feel love and appreciation for someone, we need to tell them NOW and in that moment because we don’t know how long we have to tell them. I’m going to call my natural mother on Sunday and probably sob for an hour into her ear and tell her how much I love her. Then I’m going to feel icky and go to my amoms¬†house for dinner¬†that her and my daughters are cooking for me because something in me fears mothers day and my amothers¬†house now…. even after all these years. Nevertheless i’ll put a smile on my face, push the fear away and go and hope it turns out good like the last few have.

I hope this day is survivable for any readers who are reading this. I think I’ll¬†go escape for the rest of my night into video games lol ( yep…i’m a mom who games ūüėõ ) guildwars2 BRING IT!

What if I told you….


What if I told you that some of the same people

connected to the¬†introduction of¬†drugs into society that “accidentally” caused infertility

were also involved in the adoption industry

and profiting heavily off of the adoptions of babies.