A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment


Wow…there is SO much I see wrong in this article…I honestly cannot believe I’m reading it. Well that’s a lie, I can, because I know how utterly fucked up the adoption industry is but seeing it right now before my eyes at its best is stomach turning and humorous combined. I just came across this article: A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment written by Nina Easton. Click the link, read it…and then continue here ( if you dare. ) I’m about to dissect it. o.o

The first opening paragraph is already twisted and you can tell how the general feel of the entire article is going to go. This is an adoption industry article. Notice the last part of the final sentence of the first paragraph  “— even as the number of parents desperate for a baby grows.” This article is coming from the approach that the adoption is not about the adoptee…the adoption is about the adoptive parents and their desperation. This opening paragraph is blaming the social stigma of abandonment in adoption for the decline in adoptions. This article, should be CELEBRATING the fact that women are parenting more, but instead, its assuming they’re having more abortions.

Onto the next paragraph…so help me God.

“Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated.” Does she want to know why the choice is rarely celebrated by the adoptee or natural family? Because it hurt. Do you celebrate losing your mother or child? EVER? Is this article really suggesting that we CELEBRATE losing our families? Does the author know how utterly stupid that sounds? I can’t believe anyone would attach their name as the author to this shit. The next sentence is a positive one, but not from the authors perspective…”Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment,” nice work people, we are finally spreading the word. Looks like more people are ‘getting it’ and boo hoo its upset the baby sellers. How dare we speak out about our truths right?

The following sentence, she quotes a Utah adoption agency worker Kathy Kunkel who has also received the 2004 National Angels in Adoption award by the US Congress. For those of you who don’t know what that is, lets reference one of our enemies definitions of it…from adoption.com: Every year since 1999, the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI)
has been promoting adoption awareness at the top levels of the U.S. government, and each year, the CCAI has honored those who make extraordinary contributions to the welfare of children by presenting Angel in Adoption awards at a gala celebration in Washington, DC. This year, over 170 “Angel in Adoption” awards were presented at a dinner and awards ceremony on Thursday, September 23rd, at the Ronald Reagan Building & International Trade Center in Washington, D.C.” That was posted in 2004. My translation goes more along the lines of :  Workers who sold the most children for adoption. Much more clear, concise and to the point ( in my opinion.)

Lets skip to paragraph 4. My favorite. The NCFA has longtime been seen by me, as the enemy. They claim to be “for” adoptees, however they are for adoption and not adoptee centric in any way shape or form. They are more anti-adoptee from this adoptees perspective and having my name affiliated with them in any way other then exposing their sickness would not happen, ever. Notice in paragraphs 3 and 4 they use terminology that insinuates that we should indeed have more “birthmothers.” We only get a few thousand of them a year, and only 1% of pregnant women are getting adoption referrals. The pro-adoption lot must really have their panties in a twist. My favorite part of the entire article however is this:  And as council President Charles Johnson ( of the NCFA) told me in an interview: “Your decision is only as good as the information you’re given.”

Well at least he’s honest. I guess to Charles the information doesn’t have to be true and doesn’t have to be accurate if it doesn’t help the bank account get bigger. How dare these people use mothers day as a crutch to speak out to the world that abandonment isn’t happening in adoption. They’ve already tried to strip parents of their title by insulting them with birth terms. They try and celebrate “birth mothers day” the day BEFORE mothers day separating that motherhood bond just a little bit more. Now they want to scream out that there is no abandonment in adoption too. Just ignore all of the truths that are going on because its effecting our bank accounts and we’re only getting a few thousand birth mothers a year.

I can’t believe I have the stomach to even continue.

“A woman’s decision to carry a baby to term knowing that she will not reap the fruits of motherhood should be treated as an act of bravery and selflessness — the ultimate standards of good motherhood. How did it come to be considered an act of shame?” The ultimate standards of good motherhood is now giving your child away. This is how they sell adoption to scared pregnant women and this right here quiets my frustration and turns it into sadness. I ache for the girl who is alone, scared , and is told this. She is told its not abandonment, that its brave, selflessness, she’s a hero and exactly what a good mother should do. This is what they want you to believe, because it makes them money. This is how they lure you in. This is industry talk.

Did Johnson from the NCFA really just quote Moses as being a biblical inspirational adoptee in DEFENSE of adoption? I’m so curious if Mr. Johnson has even READ the bible and story of Moses or if he needs my translation on that as well…hence the name Gershom who is the first born son of Moses who’s name means I have been a stranger in a foreign land. Do they realize Moses left, and came back to the pharaoh and demanded he let his people go 7 times and all 7 were rejected so God cursed them with horrible plagues’ killing almost all of them. Ending in the death of the Pharaoh after he changed his mind after setting them free and chasing them to the red sea where Moses parted the waters and as the pharaoh follows God closed the seas on him ending in his death. That’s no adoptive father I’d like to be. They did get the forced surrender part right tho, the pharaoh ordered all boys in the kingdom to be killed, she had no choice but to send Moses away on a basket, it was that chance, or his death. That’s not exactly a relinquishment type scenario they should be advertising… imo.

Well its been fun, that’s about all I can take of this piece of work. Can’t believe an editor approved this mess for publishing. Hope you guys all have a great night and a Happy Mothers day…<3

Raw post-reunion emotions….just gut me already


I found my mother on November 22, 2001. A week before that I had found my aunt, cousin, and Father, along with his wife and my 3 1/2 siblings. Nobody on my father’s side of the family except his sister knew about me. I was the secret and I literally came knocking at his door. It never occurred to me that he wouldn’t have told them about me, in the midst of all the secrecy surrounding my adoption I had created this coping mechanism dream like “hope” that he’d fought for me and had been looking for me all these years, in fact I would play at the end of my driveway and stare at all the cars going by when I was little hoping one day it would be him.

I hated women growing up and even more scary is the fact that I felt they all hated me even more. Teachers, my amother, any female authority figure paid the price for my mother leaving me. Surrounding myself with male friends I was the ultimate tomboy. Although I had many chasing me, I always chose the losers who never treated me right. The ones I could play mother too and try hopelessly and fail at “fixing.”

The summer of 2002, I was on my adoptive families annual camping trip. anywhere from 20-50 of my cousins, aunts, uncles etc. go up to this lake every summer and camp, rent cabins, hike, backpack, fish and read 203459820459 books for around 2-3 weeks. We feast, we drink, we spend everyday outside, and every evening around the campfire telling stories, reflecting on our year and usually drink far too much and regret saying a few things the next morning.

I was VERY raw after reunion. Please understand, I found the perfect woman when I found my mother. She is flawless. My mother to this day, is the closest women to perfect I have ever known. She regrets ever surrendering me, it ruined her life, and she blames herself entirely for it. My mother is beautiful in every way, her faith, her strength, her sacrifices, her whole presence motivates me to be better and do more for others…my mother is like mother nature and that woman from the Bible proverbs 31:10-31…that is HER. o.o Only she’s more than that…she listens to me, she cares so much about me, she is so like me…finding her sent me into a spiral of emotional diarrhea, it was out of control. Here I thought reunion would fix all of these feelings and yet it only made them more intense.

So here we are…margarita night at my families camping trip, I’ve just turned 22, and returned from Hawaii where I spent the 22nd birthday literally on the beach of Hawaii having a sunrise breakfast with my natural mother. Eating our favorite foods and appreciating every ray of sun that crept over the ocean and mountains. I was in this…state of such vomit. I don’t know what else to call it but vomit. Because one minute I was so happy and the next with the flip of a switch I would be sobbing for everything I lost with her, and the next I was furious at adoption, yet not grasping the exact “whys” of hating the industry but knowing downright I hated it and everything that went along with it and the next I’d be okay again. I was very vulnerable, very raw.

Going into reunion I didn’t have any steps to it. I didn’t know much about how it would affect me, I didn’t have a big support group, and wasn’t too into adoption world online then. I had no idea how it would affect me emotionally and what feelings it would bring to my surface.

Like every year, my family invited numerous friends up to join us for our festivities in the wilderness. The adoptive family is really amazing, they have this incredible way of wanting to always touch people’s lives by bringing them into the mountains, so that they too can learn and appreciate the serenity that happens up there. Its one of the greatest gifts they have given me. Teaching me to let go and just listen to the wind in the aspens its something I hear now when I meditate at home. It is my safe place, when I go inside myself, I picture myself in the wilderness at that lake, and I find peace.

Where was I…oh yes the campfire. Here we are around the campfire, my afather has gone to bed, all of the “parent” generation Is sleeping and here I am at a campfire with oodles of cousins and their friends all around their 30’s and I’m in my early 20’s and we’ve all been drinking quite a bit. My cousin and I start talking about it, just the two of us, and before I know it i’m sobbing at the campfire. Before long everyone starts to notice and they all get quiet and begin to listen in on our conversation. I am the only adopted one at this fire. They are all outsiders, haven’t adopted, aren’t adopted, and to my knowledge never surrendered.

So they all start chiming in somewhere around “I FUCKING HATE ADOPTION, I HATE EVERY PART OF IT!!!!” I’m sure you can imagine their reactions. My cousins friend chimes in ( turns out they were looking to adopt, her husband who sat next to her at the fire is infertile.) Why would anyone hate adoption? Now I’m just going to point this out, if anyone reading this, happens to stumble across an adoptee newly into reunion feeling anger towards adoption just let them have their anger. It’s not an insult to you. It’s not a threat to you. It might be directed to you but ONLY because you happen to be in the way of the industry lol. LET US OWN OUR ANGER. I promise you, promise you promise you, it will settle one day. We won’t be running around with butcher knives and killing anyone who has adopted. Let the anger be ours. We have a right to it. We have been hurt.

So this chick…questions why in the hell I would be against adoption. And I start telling her about the industry and child trafficking and I’m getting looks like they think I’m some Goddamn alien who has just fallen out of the sky and needs to be restrained into a straight jacket. I’m mad that she questioned me. How DARE SHE. I ask her WHY WOULD I BE FOR ADOPTION? and I believe I called her an idiot somewhere in there… we go at it…and in the midst of it all I realize I don’t have concrete statistics and facts to back up my feelings. That I haven’t done enough research but I knew in my heart things were wrong, but that wasn’t good enough for this bitch I wanted to throw in the fire for eavesdropping onto my emotional release and then questioning it.

I’ll never forget how silent it got when she shouted back to me that I was the most ungrateful child she had ever met. My mother gave me up, that was the end of it, my relationship ended with her there. The fact that I’d even searched was an insult to my adoptive parents, and the fact that I sat at a fire speaking of how much I hated adoption should have gotten me disowned. I was supposed to be happy and grateful, and we do know the alternative…I could have been aborted. How dare I feel like something was missing.

It was like everything stopped. Her words echoed and everyone seemed to slow down as their heads all turned to me to see what I was going to do. At this point in my life, they knew I was violent, and I was, I’m not proud of it, but its a truth of my past. Bar fights were common for me, bloody knuckles were frequent but it was never my blood, always the girls I was on top of. I watched my cousin’s hand immediately take the margarita glass out of my reach and move the beer bottles just as I was looking to pick one up to throw at the loud mouth.

My cousin went to her friend, and suggested she stop and let me vent and maybe just go to bed. Before she could leave, I stood up and screamed a loud FUCK YOU BITCH. I didn’t go any further tho. I sat down and sobbed. I think that was my turning point. That moment right there is when I had had enough. That moment Is when I knew I would never let another person suppress my feelings, and I would go home back to my city when this trip was over and I would find every statistic, every fact and every other adoptee in the universe that felt like me so that next time some twat wanted to challenge my beliefs dammit I’d give them a challenge.

We don’t always have the answers to why things hurt us. Here I sit 10 years later, a mother to 3, a much different lifestyle and I’m starting to feel like… we don’t always need those answers either. If it hurts us, it can’t be good and that should be enough for people to see that changes need to happen. That should be enough for people to want to find the changes, and find the answers and make the future better and to help prevent generations of pain upon our people. When an adoptee is hurting… shame on ANYONE for trying to suppress that pain. How dare they! When someone is hurting you don’t shush them, even if you don’t understand why, you sit with them, listen, and let them release it so that they can continue to grow and heal. THAT is what people should be doing to adoptees. There WOULDN’T be this many speaking out about pain, if pain didn’t exist from it.

Now I realize those who do it, like the bitch at my campfire, might be ignorant on the subject, might have their own connection ( wanting to adopt because they can’t have babies of their own ),but selfishly I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say I don’t care about their problems. Am I silencing them? Am I doing exactly to them what I’m saying not to do to adoptees? Sort of. However, I didn’t volunteer to enter this industry. I was put here against my will and supposedly this whole “act of god” we’ll call adoption was done for my benefit. ME. Not the couple wanting a baby, not the pregnant woman or idiotic father who didn’t even admit I was his until we met at a restaurant 21 years later. It was done for me and every other adoptee out there as well. So if we’re jumping up and down saying THIS IS HURTING ME. Listen the hell up. Quit trying to tell US how to feel.

Feelings are a process, healing is what changes them. Healing takes time. Every emotional impact in our life has emotional stages of healing, WHY WOULDN’T ADOPTION? ESPECIALLY to the adoptee? You’ve got to be a class A idiot if you think adoptees shouldn’t be expressing any pain from adoption, let alone anger and depression. To the adoptee who is sitting there saying “I don’t feel any negative effects of it”…just wait. One day it will come. I promise you. I don’t want you to hurt, but honestly its inevitable. Sometimes I wonder if those screaming “I’m not hurt” are really hurting the most…

Well those are my thoughts of the day….

deuces

The 5 stages of grief – my adoptee centric version


Kubler-Ross has this hypothesis on the 5 stages of grieving you go through after experiencing a life changing event or loss. You can read a wiki page about it here and you know, if we were in person talking about this, i’d clear my throat, and say this bit a little louder and make sure you heard: “Kübler-Ross noted that these stages are not meant to be a complete list of all possible emotions that could be felt, and, they can occur in any order. Her hypothesis holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening/-altering event feels all five of the responses, as reactions to personal losses of any kind are as unique as the person experiencing them.”

So yes I know we go through things differently, we’re human. We’re are not meant to all be the same or else…we’d all be the same lol. But for those who are feeling it, I want you to know you have a right to all of the feelings you’re feeling. Even those of you who are fine and feeling no aftermath of being adopted, you’re just reading for fun, I’m glad you’re fine and if ever you are not fine with what happened, I’m here then too, and you totally have a right to feel that way as well. Like Kubler-Ross says, its a process, we’re all at different stages and all healing differently. What is important imo is that we’re healing, and that we have others who have been there and can offer their shoulders and spines to help you lean on if needed. So here are her stages that she first wrote about in 1969 and that have become pretty accepted, at least in my home 😛

( I edited the following snippet of stages to apply more to loss for the adoptee instead of person facing an illness / death as was written in 1969 in death and dying. She later after more experience with other grievances, applied these stages to all types of grief faced from a tragic experience like the loss of EVERYTHING an infant knows when losing his/her mother. Let alone our heritage, families, identities, and legalities…the original article can be found by clicking the link below 😛

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.

2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.

3. Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for some answers.( records? reunion? papers?”; “I will give my life savings if…”
“The personality theory in bargaining emphasizes that the type of personalities determine the bargaining process and its outcome.” from wiki

4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “Why go on?”
It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the ‘aftermath’. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.

5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t change the loss, I may as well… (get involved with activism and change this industry).”
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their loss. This stage varies according to the person’s situation. We all have our own stages and work through them however our needs demand.

So yes, some people are going to call bullshit on these stages. You can stomp your feet all you want but I went through them, I feel like I’m finally at acceptance too and I’m feeling pretty good about that. Its funny I see myself in all of the stages and a great deal of them were here on this blog and forums oh so long ago. So MAYBE these don’t apply to you, but they apply to me, and I bet there’s a few more of you that could apply these to you too. Reading them gave me ease and relief actually that look, its not some disorder my amother can label me with, its just a grieving process and if you keep making me try and ignore it, you’re only going to fight my healing process and prolong it. GO WITH IT.

Smile upon the depression because look… you’re growing ❤ The thought of this doesn't seem so far fetched to me anymore. Look how beautiful that adoptee anger is. It makes me want to hug it and love it and spin it all around the room because YAY you've finally crossed over and out of the fog of denial and you're growing and healing. HOW CAN THAT NOT BE BEAUTIFUL? I mean I feel so sorry for the next adoptee that I come across who is depressed…I might just give them a million happy faces and tell them I'm so thrilled they're on their way of processing their grief and healing…can you imagine? the reaction lmao. Seriously tho, these stages have become so special to me. I think healing is so beautiful. It reminds me that we really are human, that we really can survive almost ANYTHING, and maybe find a way to unite with the other unfortunate people going through it and help out one another to make the process a little bit easier along the way. There are so many fucking cool adoptees. Not only adoptees will fit into this…donor children / adults too… I wonder if you're out there in full force yet, what have I missed in these years of my absence online hmmm…

When I think of other tragic events, I think of death / dying ( the original blueprint of this theory,) rape, infertility, parents against drunk drivers, ugh parenting in general loll… all of which have major support groups nation and world wide. Crisis numbers you can call just to talk to others who will sponsor you / support you through your struggling times. We adoptees, need more of these communities in our lives where people can't and won't silence your healing process and you're allowed to feel whatever part of the process you are in. Not a place that tells us we should be grateful it happened lol or one that won't even admit or recognize our loss's. Man that's what AAAFC was for me…I wonder if they're still around o.o

We deserve them.

The next person I see silencing an adoptee is so fucked. lmao.

If only the me NOW could talk to myself THEN….


If I could turn the clock back 25 years…and meet myself as a child adoptee, what I would have told myself to help me overcome all of these fears and aftermath of being adopted.

First and foremost I would have told myself that the pain from adoption wasn’t love. To never let pain define love from everyone telling me that adoption is beautiful, that my mother made such a “loving” decision to give me away,  never associate pain with love. That no matter what if it hurts it isn’t love. Love is beautiful, and as a child I didn’t understand that, in fact I didn’t understand it until I had children of my own. Love is pure, it is unconditional, it doesn’t give you away, it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t weaken you or leave you feeling empty. I never would have let the industry or adults in my life tell me adoption was beautiful. It hurt me. It still hurts me. There is nothing beautiful about losing your heritage, rights, family, identity and beyond. Adoption is pain.

I would then tell myself that its okay to hate adoption. Adoption is an industry. I can hate adoption, and love all 4 of my parents. Adoption didn’t give me love for my parents, they gave me love and would have with or without adoption being in our lives. That any hate for adoption does not by any means reflect on my relationship with any of my parents. Hate for adoption is a resistance of the industry.

I would tell myself that all of my parents love me. That my mother who surrendered me, loved me, but letting me go wasn’t a reflection of her love. I have every right to be hurt from her letting me go. I can hold onto that hurt for as long as I want, its mine to let go of when I feel fit to do so. Don’t however, let her abandonment reflect on your relationships with other people throughout my lifetime. That I know its going to be so hard to trust, after your own mother said goodbye, but living a lifetime without trust, is so much harder than living a lifetime with it. People are going to let me down for the rest of my life, but not nearly as much as I’m scared of. Despite the state of chaos the human race is in, there are so many beautiful people in the world, who are worthy of trust, and who won’t let go. If you continue to hate the world, and live without trust, you’ll create a barrier between yourself and society that eventually will exclude you all together. Once your feet are on the other side of that barrier in “no trust land” it’s SO HARD to come back. You constantly walk in a state of paranoia of who’s lying, who’s deceiving you next, how can you manipulate the situation to get what you need while protecting your heart in the process….its tiring, draining, exhausting. I’m 32… and just learning this.

I’d tell myself about the world, money, politics, laws, industries and how adoption became one. I’d tell myself about selling children, stealing them from their mothers and fathers, baby scoop era, evil adoption brokers, baby rings, foster care corruption, infertility and open up the doors to the bigger picture of what my mother and infant self got caught up in. Then tho…I’d have to tell myself that my mother wasn’t one of them. She chose it. She chose my parents, with promises that were not kept, and her choice wasn’t exactly informed, never the less…I wasn’t stolen like I wanted to believe for so many years. My father didn’t fight for me, like i talked myself into believing, in fact he didn’t even admit I was his until I found him at 21. That I was the accident from a summer fling and my mother truly did want more for me then at the time she felt she could offer. Not a day would ever go by however that she didn’t miss me, want me and pray for me.

I would tell myself that one day I would have 3 beautiful daughters. I wouldn’t abandon them, like I was scared I would. I wouldn’t ever let them down the way I was let down. It will be hard, it will be the greatest challenge of my life, but I will raise them, teach them values, trust, love and compassion, and I will break the cycle of abandonment and rejection. I’d prepare myself for pregnancy and the pure terror I lived in thinking some crazed PAP or agency worker was going to kill me and take my unborn child from my abdomen. I’d assure myself that it won’t happen and hopefully prevent the months of nightmares that woke me in sweat and screams from fear of losing my children by abduction.

I’d tell myself to remember however, that when I do have children…sometimes I need to set them down. That I will exhaust myself trying to hold them and keep them from crying at all times. That its okay to go outside with them, and into public areas. It’s okay to let strangers look upon them, and appreciate them, and that holding them, keeping them on your body at all times of the day will keep them from learning to crawl, explore, socialize and eventually become independent on their own. Well…lolll I take that back…my oldest got so tired of me carrying her everywhere she forced her own Independence on me, of which I translated into rejection at the time and took personal, but it wasn’t personal, it was her growing. It was her forming her own Independence something we all want our children to do and should appreciate and value when they do it. Its healthy.

I’d then tell myself about relationships and how much I deserve. I am not the mistake I lived a lifetime feeling like. I do not have to apologize for everything that happens and isn’t my fault. I cannot apologize for my existence. It is nothing that needs an apology for. I was meant to be here, and have a right to be here, I have a right to be equal and treated with respect, compassion and love. Being a mistake…and a victim of the adoption industry doesn’t mean I need to keep men in my life who treat me with the same disrespect. I do not have a curse on me that makes me unworthy of real love. But in order to be loved…I HAVE TO LOVE MYSELF. Loving myself would be the greatest gift I could ever give to me as well as my family and especially my children. That when I can look into the mirror and honestly be happy with who and what I see in the reflection … then I’d have done okay.

If I could have met myself way back when, and told myself all of this…I think I would have spared myself a lifetime of pain. I think, i might have been a little stronger, had more stable relationships, lived in less fear, and walked with more strength as I ‘grew up.’ I think it could have saved a lot of heart ache, who knows…maybe this will help another adoptee one day.

Oh and…as my blog re-grows… I”ll most likely be adding more things here so this is subject to change whenever I want it to 😛

Separation and abandonment is a bitch!


I watched a video today of this girl in China who believed her new adoptive parents were coming to take her home. She had TB and it ends up that she can’t go home with them. The video is the future adoptive mother taping the goodbye. All screams of “put the camera down” aside… I want to talk about this moment in the little girls life and what it feels like to go through that.

I think its the core of my adoptee-ness. I have been there so many times. At her age she is probably so scared to hold onto someone, to love them, to open up to them and in the video it seems like she has established some amount of trust in the man, her future adoptive father.

Then it happens, 3/4 of the way into the video she “gets” it. They’re leaving and she’s not going with them. The screams, the pleads for them to not leave without her. The cries, pulling for them to stay, pushing those trying to keep her away….oh how I have been there.

The rage will follow, hatred, detachment and finally…the life saving numbness that will stay with her forever. By the time she’s my age she’ll be able to turn it on and off if she’s aware of it like I am. Use it as a body guard, shield, warrior of self. Detach, numb, forget, protect and move on. Survival mechanisms are beautiful things.

My adoptive mother hated it about me. I would never open up, my wall is there, and will remain forever. I don’t let people in past a certain point for the same reason this little chinese girl screamed in this video. Cause once you do, you become a slave to their presence, it then becomes a game to always make sure they’re there for you, not going to leave you, still love you, that they’re not mad at you, and never ever going to abandon you.

Those without separation issues just don’t get it. How could you, you have never lost a part of your being like this. Once you lose it, it doesn’t come back. Its not curable by love, by the return of someone to care for you, by a stuffed animal, food, material things, it can’t be fixed. All you have is yourself and those who have walked in your shoes.

Damn.