Denial of loss


10 years ago I wouldn’t have understood this to the depth that I understand it now, and for that I am grateful. Ten years ago this would have hurt me tremendously and I probably would have withdrawn into a wall building adoptee hiding comfort zone and disappeared from my mother for a few months until I felt strong enough to say hello again. Today tho, the only part of it that weakens me is the reality of what she has to do to keep going on, and what a reflection that is of how she has had to do it her entire life after losing me.

 

In July my grandfather passed away. My mother has been taking care of him for the last 5 years of his life. I get mixed feelings from his passing, he was a crucial influence in me being left behind at the hospital 3 days after my birth and its hard for me to let go of that. I did meet him once however and it was a nice comforting visit. He was a very strong man, remembered for decapitating men in Vietnam war and eating raw liver, one of the last things I remember him telling me is the wise men say the least and listen most. He said this to me after I sat around him very quiet observing his every move.

 

Now that he has passed away my mother has come out to my area to plan his services and is here for a few weeks to make sure it all goes smoothly and to visit my children and me. We sat around the table at our visit that I blogged about yesterday and I noticed more than once my mother made reference to never experiencing a pain like that of losing her father since her brother died and then her…. and each time she got to “her” her eyes would meet mine and I “know” she was going to say “her daughter” but she would catch herself and stop. She doesn’t speak of her loss of me.

 

Ten years ago I would have felt like that meant my loss wasn’t significant enough to mention. That it didn’t impact her life in the way these other two deaths had, and that I wasn’t a big “loss” when we parted ways on my third day of life. Today however, I know that means something very different. I know that society doesn’t recognize a mother surrendering her child and continuing on with life as a painful experience. I know that that loss, when spoken of is often met with “what a selfless act, what a wonderful thing you’ve done, how incredible of you to have done that” which in return suppresses that pain even deeper.

 

I can relate to this. I did it for years when faced with adoption related topics or topics of loss, because my mother did all of that FOR me to have a better life, what a selfless thing for her to do and I must be so very grateful for that opportunity at a better life. It FEELS BETTER for outsiders to believe that. Hell it feels better for insiders to believe it until the truth finds its way out and eventually it always does. I mean that’s really the core of being in the Koolaid drinking happy adoptee land, you’re believing the happy myths…. that surrendering you was wonderful, well you might not be “believing them” because your soul doesn’t lie to you, deep down you know it hurts, but you’re saying them, maybe even convincing yourself of them or trying very hard to, because should you realize that reality isn’t reality at all, suddenly “reality” becomes very scary and vulnerable.

 

What would have happened if instead of pausing when my mother wanted to tell the waiter that she hasn’t experienced a loss like this since she lost her daughter, how would he have reacted? Would he have assumed I was dead? Would he have empathized with her? Would he have recognized it as a loss and told her how sorry he was for her loss? I believe these to be viable outcomes had this happened. Humor me for a moment and imagine what would have happened if she had then told him, she hasn’t felt a loss like this since she loss her daughter to adoption. Would she have been met with the same empathy? Maybe from you or me, because we’re reading adoption blogs and up to “par” on adoption loss but the average stranger… no, no I don’t believe she would have found that sympathy. Instead the suppressive rhetoric begins doesn’t it? Oh you gave a daughter up for adoption? How wonderful of you!! OMG you’re a birthmom how selfless!!!! What a heroic act of kindness you did!!! Immediately invalidating the tremendous loss that would follow a mother losing her child to adoption regardless of how that “choice” came to be…. pain is what it is.

 

It reminds me of growing up…often I would get depressed thinking about why my parents gave me up and I’d almost be ready to reach out to someone about it and as soon as I’d say how I was adopted i’d hear ” oh you’re so lucky I always wanted to be adopted! ” “how nice of your mom to give you a better life” “you must be so grateful you weren’t aborted” its the same kind of suppressive “support” I spoke of in reference to my mother above. It has to be societies way of not understanding this in-depth reality we find in adoption and their poor attempt to “get it.” I don’t feel like they have bad intentions in saying these things but they just do… because it’s all over the media, its in all the magazines, its in the adoption agencies this false propaganda of happiness following separation and loss its polluting reality.

 

I see it happening with people who have had miscarriages or found out they’re living a life with infertility. I personally have never been in that shoe, I have 3 natural children of my own, but I watch it happen to them. It happened to my adoptive parents, as SOON as infertility was discovered ADOPTION was pushed. Why? Adoption doesn’t cure infertility. Adoptees don’t “fix” the loss of not having children of your own. The two aren’t connected and yet society just doesn’t get it or want to hear it because they haven’t before and its easier to make all that “ugly” “uncomfy” “icky” feelings be portrayed as minor problems that can be fixed with adoption….and yet….they can’t be.

 

It’s okay to feel pain from loss, in fact it’s very healthy to, and it’s just as okay to own those feelings, talk about those feelings and correct people when they misinterpret those feelings, they are YOUR feelings. I know that for a long time I tried to drink that kooliad, I wanted that bullshit fake “omg you were so lucky to be adopted” to be true, I wanted to be lucky…but when you spend a lifetime trying to convince yourself that pain = happiness destructive patterns are bound to happen and that can be very dangerous. If you are one of these people who are having to hide your pain from the average Joe because you’d rather not “go there” with the ignorant…I get it…and I feel you. If you’re living a life where people are continually telling you to be grateful about something that hurts so bad you could scream in frustration from the highest mountain…I get it…I feel you…and I’m sorry. I’m here for you. Don’t be afraid to own your truth. Its yours and nobody can take it from you. The more you speak out about it, the more we can fix this broken part of the industry, the more we can make the road smoother for those who walk down it after us and the more we can help each other heal….god willing…we might even prevent it one day ❤

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You left me


( Disclaimer: there are many mothers who have surrendered their children to adoption that read this blog, or have in the past who knows if anyone reads it now. However this isn’t about your surrender, or situation it’s about mine so don’t read on or take it personal when I’m reflecting on my anger today in regards to being surrendered to adoption. )

Aside from all of the work I have done, and in the last few years I have done a ton, aside from everything I know….everything in these pages that leads to why I am anti adoption, I get it all, I know it all…I feel it all, I understand and process it all in a somewhat healthy way I’d say…aside from it all….there is that tiny part of me, that still….34 years later looks at my natural mother and feels….you left me. If your love for me was everything you say it was…. If I was enough for you, you would have kept me.

I know there are reasons, I know there are excuses, I know there were circumstances that didn’t allow her too. I know many people didn’t want to lose their children to adoption, I know some of you fought very hard for it…. but at the end of it all… this lil fragile ball of a feeling inside of me…. it doesn’t go away.

If I was enough for you, you would have kept me. By any means necessary.

Because that’s what I would do for my children.

I look at parents who don’t parent, and I see weakness. I see giving up, and I am very turned away by it. The father of my children has chosen a life of drugs and prison instead of being a healthy fit role model father. All I see is weakness. Weakness in addiction, weakness in parenthood, all around weakness.

My mother has been visiting the area for a week now, she just called me today finally for the first time. My response: if your mother was in your town for a week and didn’t call you until 8 days later how would you feel? weakness.

I am not by any means a perfect parent, and yet I would never do these things to my children. I would never give up my rights to them ( yes I know some of you never had a choice and I’m not bashing you for that, this is my situation ) I’m tired of hearing that God influenced our separation and if God willing we’ll be brought together again with all the time we need to be a part of each others lives. I’m sick of waiting for higher powers to act upon my life when its gotten me nowhere in the past, I do things with my own two feet and hands and those who don’t…. are weak.

Anyone who can leave their child ( other than by force ) and let her go FUCK YOU.

That’s how I feel today. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. FUCK YOU for leaving your kids and letting us grow up and pick up our own pieces. fuck you for not raising us. fuck you for turning me into a weak people pleaser for a huge part of my life because I was terrified any person I grew close to would leave me. FUCK YOU FOR THAT.

So I replied to her… that I was hurt. I’m sick of being on the back-burner ALWAYS since I was 3 days old. That my children and I deserve time, and priority and if she doesn’t give it to us….I’m done. I want out. I found my mother, I know my mother but i’m grown up now and if she wants time in my life, she’s going to make it and prioritize it because I will be damned if my children grow up feeling insignificant too.

Been a while since I posted, but I haven’t had anything adoption related to really put into words on my blog. I’m starting to do a lot of inner healing atm, yoga and life coaching and holistic therapy…..its bound to ripple the water here soon.

I hope everyone had an amazing summer, thank you for reading and commenting. I’m really not sorry if this pisses anyone off… this is how I feel and this is my blog and I’m not going to tip toe for anyone….I’ve given that up this year.

The 5 stages of grief – my adoptee centric version


Kubler-Ross has this hypothesis on the 5 stages of grieving you go through after experiencing a life changing event or loss. You can read a wiki page about it here and you know, if we were in person talking about this, i’d clear my throat, and say this bit a little louder and make sure you heard: “Kübler-Ross noted that these stages are not meant to be a complete list of all possible emotions that could be felt, and, they can occur in any order. Her hypothesis holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening/-altering event feels all five of the responses, as reactions to personal losses of any kind are as unique as the person experiencing them.”

So yes I know we go through things differently, we’re human. We’re are not meant to all be the same or else…we’d all be the same lol. But for those who are feeling it, I want you to know you have a right to all of the feelings you’re feeling. Even those of you who are fine and feeling no aftermath of being adopted, you’re just reading for fun, I’m glad you’re fine and if ever you are not fine with what happened, I’m here then too, and you totally have a right to feel that way as well. Like Kubler-Ross says, its a process, we’re all at different stages and all healing differently. What is important imo is that we’re healing, and that we have others who have been there and can offer their shoulders and spines to help you lean on if needed. So here are her stages that she first wrote about in 1969 and that have become pretty accepted, at least in my home 😛

( I edited the following snippet of stages to apply more to loss for the adoptee instead of person facing an illness / death as was written in 1969 in death and dying. She later after more experience with other grievances, applied these stages to all types of grief faced from a tragic experience like the loss of EVERYTHING an infant knows when losing his/her mother. Let alone our heritage, families, identities, and legalities…the original article can be found by clicking the link below 😛

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.

2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.

3. Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for some answers.( records? reunion? papers?”; “I will give my life savings if…”
“The personality theory in bargaining emphasizes that the type of personalities determine the bargaining process and its outcome.” from wiki

4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “Why go on?”
It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the ‘aftermath’. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.

5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t change the loss, I may as well… (get involved with activism and change this industry).”
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their loss. This stage varies according to the person’s situation. We all have our own stages and work through them however our needs demand.

So yes, some people are going to call bullshit on these stages. You can stomp your feet all you want but I went through them, I feel like I’m finally at acceptance too and I’m feeling pretty good about that. Its funny I see myself in all of the stages and a great deal of them were here on this blog and forums oh so long ago. So MAYBE these don’t apply to you, but they apply to me, and I bet there’s a few more of you that could apply these to you too. Reading them gave me ease and relief actually that look, its not some disorder my amother can label me with, its just a grieving process and if you keep making me try and ignore it, you’re only going to fight my healing process and prolong it. GO WITH IT.

Smile upon the depression because look… you’re growing ❤ The thought of this doesn't seem so far fetched to me anymore. Look how beautiful that adoptee anger is. It makes me want to hug it and love it and spin it all around the room because YAY you've finally crossed over and out of the fog of denial and you're growing and healing. HOW CAN THAT NOT BE BEAUTIFUL? I mean I feel so sorry for the next adoptee that I come across who is depressed…I might just give them a million happy faces and tell them I'm so thrilled they're on their way of processing their grief and healing…can you imagine? the reaction lmao. Seriously tho, these stages have become so special to me. I think healing is so beautiful. It reminds me that we really are human, that we really can survive almost ANYTHING, and maybe find a way to unite with the other unfortunate people going through it and help out one another to make the process a little bit easier along the way. There are so many fucking cool adoptees. Not only adoptees will fit into this…donor children / adults too… I wonder if you're out there in full force yet, what have I missed in these years of my absence online hmmm…

When I think of other tragic events, I think of death / dying ( the original blueprint of this theory,) rape, infertility, parents against drunk drivers, ugh parenting in general loll… all of which have major support groups nation and world wide. Crisis numbers you can call just to talk to others who will sponsor you / support you through your struggling times. We adoptees, need more of these communities in our lives where people can't and won't silence your healing process and you're allowed to feel whatever part of the process you are in. Not a place that tells us we should be grateful it happened lol or one that won't even admit or recognize our loss's. Man that's what AAAFC was for me…I wonder if they're still around o.o

We deserve them.

The next person I see silencing an adoptee is so fucked. lmao.

Separation and abandonment is a bitch!


I watched a video today of this girl in China who believed her new adoptive parents were coming to take her home. She had TB and it ends up that she can’t go home with them. The video is the future adoptive mother taping the goodbye. All screams of “put the camera down” aside… I want to talk about this moment in the little girls life and what it feels like to go through that.

I think its the core of my adoptee-ness. I have been there so many times. At her age she is probably so scared to hold onto someone, to love them, to open up to them and in the video it seems like she has established some amount of trust in the man, her future adoptive father.

Then it happens, 3/4 of the way into the video she “gets” it. They’re leaving and she’s not going with them. The screams, the pleads for them to not leave without her. The cries, pulling for them to stay, pushing those trying to keep her away….oh how I have been there.

The rage will follow, hatred, detachment and finally…the life saving numbness that will stay with her forever. By the time she’s my age she’ll be able to turn it on and off if she’s aware of it like I am. Use it as a body guard, shield, warrior of self. Detach, numb, forget, protect and move on. Survival mechanisms are beautiful things.

My adoptive mother hated it about me. I would never open up, my wall is there, and will remain forever. I don’t let people in past a certain point for the same reason this little chinese girl screamed in this video. Cause once you do, you become a slave to their presence, it then becomes a game to always make sure they’re there for you, not going to leave you, still love you, that they’re not mad at you, and never ever going to abandon you.

Those without separation issues just don’t get it. How could you, you have never lost a part of your being like this. Once you lose it, it doesn’t come back. Its not curable by love, by the return of someone to care for you, by a stuffed animal, food, material things, it can’t be fixed. All you have is yourself and those who have walked in your shoes.

Damn.

Why would anybody who was raised in a loving home be unhappy about being adopted?


Why would anybody who was raised in a loving home be unhappy about being adopted, or opposed to the very nature of adoption?

This was asked to me today in the comments on the “About Me” page I have here. Its a genuine question that I think a lot of people who aren’t effected or maybe even are effected by adoption ask themselves once they come across someone who’s views towards adoption, are similar to mine.

I do not support it. I don’t condone it, nor do I believe in adoption. I have many reasons and I think it will do me some good after this long break to put it into a post and get it into the concrete form of some kind for others to read when wondering why the hell i feel the way I do.

As I have said, i had and still have good parents, adoptive and natural. I wasn’t physically abused, sure my aparents made some mistakes just like all parents do, but nothing to be held by a noose and hung for and not much to blame or hate adoption for.

The little bit being the uneducated state of mind they were encouraged to have and left with after taking me into their care. I don’t support encouraging people experiencing infertility and desperate for a child to adopt. Adoption is not a band-aid for infertility and it never should be. It doesn’t heal someones infertility and putting that responsibility onto a child grieving the loss of their mother is dismissive and not honoring the emotional well being of the child.

When a child is born she/he is attached emotionally and physically to the mother. Everything that child wants, loves and needs is provided for from the mother whom he/she has grown with in utero for 9 months until birth.

Everything should be done to keep these beings together, and poverty although one of the leading factors to surrender, should never be a leading factor to surrender because money never makes someone a good parent.

I don’t believe in adoption because it has become an industry that provides babies to couples willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for a child. With no care of the child’s well being they have price tags put onto their heads that differ according to race and age. Priority has been put on getting the commodity to make billions annually off of the couples willing to pay, instead of helping the children stuck in foster care get homes. Foster youth are rotting away because they have become least valuable and marketable and so they have been swept under the rug.

All the while the rights being given to the adoptees are the least of any and all other parties involved in adoption. We do not have our birth certificates although not one single document promising anyone a right to privacy has yet to be found. Study after study fails to find them ( because they don’t exist ) and yet millions of us are being discriminated against daily by the denial of our birth certificates.

Our names are changed without our consent all to help fill the dream of the adoptive parents of having and naming their “own” child.

Too many mothers have been coerced and forced to surrender their children via pressure of society from the social stigma of illegitimate born children, forced into unwed mothers homes and raped of their motherhood and children. Now even today mothers are still being pressured to surrender in different ways through threats of not being able to pursue their dreams or college or never finding someone who would want to care for a woman and her child born to a diff. man. Marketing in every parenting magazine, in dr’s offices, gyno offices, highschools, counseling centers and yet the real issues, the complexity of adoption is rarely shown. How is it an informed decision if all angles are not being shown?

Not to mention giving surrendering parents rights to veto and keep our records sealed which is unconstitutional by witholding our vital information from us at their beck and call even though their documents did not say anything about privacy rights is discrimination and a slap in the face from the very industry that makes billions annually from us.

There are many ways to care for children, but i do not support in the ownership of them and that is what adoption is to me. It is buying, selling, renaming and falsifying their documents to make the sale legal. It is exploiting and profiting off of the adoptee with no intention of helping them in any way shape or form.

Adoption isn’t doing anything for humanity. It isn’t helping end third world poverty, it isn’t helping children with AID’s it isn’t reducing the number of children in orphanages, it isn’t reducing the number of children who are being surrendered, it is only helping the adoptive parents get the child they wanted. It is a consumer driven industry that has been built off of the trauma separation and loss of mother and child and father. It is creating unnecessary loss and separation in thousands of families. It is raping people of their ancestry, culture, history and self. It is violating the sense of family too many are advocating for the preservation of in my state of California right now for diff. reasons, but i’m bitter about that too so I’ll throw in my disgust of proposition 8 in as well.

Non profit adoption agencies are making MILLIONS annually and if you don’t believe me, look at their 990 forms online that are public access. I realize that some mothers can’t, for whatever reasons raise their children, but that is not even close to the level of mothers and fathers losing their children each year around our world to be adopted into the families of american and european and australians. ( Yes i realize others adopt, but i see these families and countries adopting more than others.)

Adoption should be about the child. Where the childs rights and feelings are first, are foremost and as the original asker of the question that triggered this post said, should be paramount. But in adoption, of today, it isn’t. The child’s rights and feelings are last. As an adoptee I lost everything and it was never even thought about. I was told to be grateful for it and happy i wasn’t aborted. My loss has been dismissed by society more times than I’d like to remember. The mindset of adoption in this country is unhealthy and frightening, where the leading profit makers in adoption are running the adoption awareness campaigns painting in this beautiful light full of fake love, fake flowers and artificial kindness that is all coming from greed for more money, even if it sacrifices the child’s soul.

It is possible to care for a child without having to rename them, buy them, take away their history, ancestry, records and connection to their family. The “politics” and “industry” of adoption has ruined the very core of why it SHOULD be beautiful. If adoption was for the child, would foster children even be in the system? or would they already have a home? Would they have to be legally adopted and have their rights stripped and taken from them? or would they be allowed to be who they are and honored for exactly that and raised with love and respect for being just them. Is it possible to give a child shelter, safety, love, nourishment, care, food and a home without having to exploit them through the industry of adoption? It should be possible and is possible but rarely happens. It definitely doesn’t happen in adoption. Adoption stopped being about the child long ago.

You must have had a bad life…


As an adoptee rights activist, one who doesn’t believe that adoptees are treated equally and who advocates and works towards restoring our equality as adopted adults I am often told by people who don’t know me, or my life story that they “assume I’ve had a really bad life.”

I MUST have had a bad life or else I wouldn’t be criticizing adoption to the degree that I do.

Ignorance I tell ya, its a witch!

Every single time someone who thinks adoption is “great” hears that me, an adoptee, is against adoption to the degree that I am, 9 times out of 10 the sentence following that is “oh, you must have had a really bad life.”

Dismiss.

Because what else is the option for them? To question their own beliefs on adoption being overall “good” and potentially have a falling out of everything they’ve put their hope into? Adoption is NOT a band-aid for infertility, childless couples, building families, saving children, abortion alternatives, etc. Adoption needs to ALWAYS be about the child, and the child’s well being overall.

So for all of those people who “think” I’ve had a bad life, because I’m against adoption… this is for you.

I LOVE my adoptive parents. I was provided for, nurtured, and loved. Infact, I still am. I see my parents every week, they are active in my life and are wonderful grandparents to my children. I was financially well taken care of, I got it all, pool, horse, large house, loving family and I even inherit a HUGE ranch in my future hopefully farther than closer because that will mean my adad has died, and that is a day i NEVER want to live. Just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. Its something I’m not prepared for and never will be, hopefully its a day that doesn’t happen for centuries. My afather, defines unconditional love to me. He has never judged me, he has always believed in me, and always takes my side, even when he knows I’m wrong. He is, my DAD. I love him. He “forgets” I’m adopted all the time and has to remind himself. He love me unconditionally and I honor him for that. I know that no matter what, I can ALWAYS to go him. Always.

My amother wants nothing more than to come to the Adoptee Rights Demonstration in July with me, in full support of protesting my sealed records. She supports all of the adoption reform work i do and tries to be invovled as much as she can. I love her too, and as my past posts will show we’ve had our ups and downs, but in the end, shes a wonderful, caring, compassionate, well respected and honorable person in our community. I love her.

Acknowledging the “wrong” in adoption doesn’t mean I’ve had a bad life. It means I’m observant, and not afraid to go against the grain if things don’t look and feel right. Because in adoption, things don’t look and feel right. There is a hell of a lot wrong in adoption, denying that only allows the wrong to continue. Turning a blind eye to that, does nothing for the adoptees of today, from the past, and of the future.

When comparing and contrasting the “good” in adoption, to the “bad” my list comes up with a whole lot more “bad” than “good.” Being concerned with my life growing up should be the LAST of the concerns when addressing the corruption in the adoption industry. I know its hard, because a lot of these judgemental people are holding onto the hope that adoption will give them the family their bodies cannot. Alot of these people have only adoption as a hope for a family, and although I don’t agree that adoption is a “way to build families” I do sort of understand why they are so defensive when someone like me, an adoptee, who’s had a good life, is working to restore the rights of children world wide and provide for them, all the while bulldozing the adoption industry and re-building it from the ground up.

I must constantly remind myself too that these same judgmental people, are where my aparents were one day. When they couldn’t have children, when they were infertile, when they thought that adoptees “would have been aborted if not adopted”, when they walked into an agency seeking a child from the foster care system of white or mixed race, preferably a baby. I have to remind myself that the people I have grown to love and accept as a mother and father figure in my life were where these sheeple people judging me online and IRL are now. Seeing how far my parents have come is comforting that there is hope for the others, because like my amom and adad, these people could be brainwashed by the industry too. In fact, once the adoption propoganda comes into topic, I know they have been. Once the “would have been aborted” “adoption can be a WIN WIN for all” “adoption CAN work for everyone” “right to privacy” topics come up, I’m sure they’ve been manipulated by the same system thats manipulating children from their mothers. The same system that spits in the face of the adoptee who wants equality, the same system that has profited millions of dollars out of all of us, the same system who has NONE of our best interests at heart.

My answer is no, i haven’t had a bad life. My life has been good, overall, when all is said and done i LOVE my life. That does not mean for ONE MINUTE that I should EVER turn a blind eye to the corruption in the industry and work every day of my life to reform that until it is done. I will NEVER stop, until I’m dead, or the system is working for the unconditional benefit of each child effected by it.

So think again before you judge someone you don’t know. Think again before you assume someones had a bad life because they’re working on improving the current industry of adoption. Especially if you haven’t adopted, aren’t adopted, or aren’t separated by a child by adoption, don’t assume to know “it can work” and support an industry you’re not even involved in. Few and far between those who claim to “know how well it can work” really understand adoption and all that comes with it, and dismissing the real truths in adoption by blowing me off as a “bitter adoptee” whos “had a bad life” is only going to hurt yourself and the adoptee in your potential future.