Her husband was outside in the parking lot waiting for us as we pulled in. I recognized him immediately and waved and honked so he knew we’d arrived. We were about 15 minutes late due to a marathon in our area that slowed traffic. He came over and greeted us and helped us out of the truck and walked me to my mom. I saw her before she knew we were there. Her hair was perfect, her back was to me but I’d have found her from anywhere, it’s almost as if the heavens shut down the world when she’s within a 50 yd radius to me and all of the sunlight just blankets her body….nothing else moves, nothing else matters, all sounds tune out and I become fixated on my mother. She hears us coming and turns around from the table she’s waiting for us at, hair perfect, make up flawless, and she smiles that painful “I miss you” smile and in an almost vampire fast movement like fashion I was instantly in her arms. When I’m in my mothers arms…. and she in mine, its hard for us to let go. It isn’t awkward, it isn’t uncomfortable, it just ‘is.’ She pulled back away from my face enough to see me and still keep her arms around me and just bawled. It is those moments that the rejected adoptee disappears, those feelings on my post from a few days ago become insignificant, she grabbed my face and told me how much she loved me and how sorry she was that she upset me and how she’ll do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn’t make me feel that way again, and we’ll move forward together. We ate, we laughed, we took pictures, she held my children, talked with them and laughed with them. There are no words that can describe the peace I feel when I am with my mother. I can be me. FINALLY. just me. I couldn’t believe how much my children resemble her, the similarities are mind-boggling. Everything seems so easy, and just natural. I noticed some adoption related things pop out today in our visit, but right now I just want to soak in this feeling and let it be with me. I feel so good, whole and at ease today, I’ll elaborate on the other things in a different post later on but right now I’m going to just go watch a movie and keep this feeling as long as I possibly can. ❤
Have you guys seen this? What are your thoughts on this? You can read about it here.
Basically a women posted an ad on craigslist saying she didn’t think she could take care of her son, who is 3 and was looking for a couple to adopt him. The post got pulled and the police have gotten involved.
“Police are charging Redus with a misdemeanor offense, saying that she “unlawfully intentionally and knowingly advertised in the public media, namely Craigslist, her son, Conner Danger Redus, for adoption.” The posting was placed on May 1, according to police.”
Her charges are what gets me. Now for the record I do not agree with what she did. However what is so different from what she did then say an agency putting up an ad? Or adoptive parents putting up an add saying they’re looking to adopt. How many people do you think responded to her add? “She told police she did respond to several reply messages to adopt her son.”
I”m just confused on why she would be arrested and charged with a misdemeanor for not going to an agency to place her son, but trying to place him on her own. Yes, now she says that she didn’t plan to place him etc etc. Maybe she was going to scam the couples for money, who knows you can only guess at this point, but I think if theyr’e not going to allow mothers to place their children in ad’s on the net, then they need to pull all adds in that energy down, adoptive parents, paps, adoption agencies, private adoption lawyers….BRING THEM ALL DOWN! One simple google for “craigslist looking to adopt” and a goldmine pops up.. example 1 2 3 . LUCKILY…in that same google I found the lovely claud blogging about this horrific tragedy as well: READ HER GREAT POST HERE. Again, my position is charge them all with misdemeanors! Yes ma’am thats my position and I’m sticking to it! Back to gardening I go…its me vs the squirrels round 4 and the squirrels are totally winning.
Wow…there is SO much I see wrong in this article…I honestly cannot believe I’m reading it. Well that’s a lie, I can, because I know how utterly fucked up the adoption industry is but seeing it right now before my eyes at its best is stomach turning and humorous combined. I just came across this article: A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment written by Nina Easton. Click the link, read it…and then continue here ( if you dare. ) I’m about to dissect it. o.o
The first opening paragraph is already twisted and you can tell how the general feel of the entire article is going to go. This is an adoption industry article. Notice the last part of the final sentence of the first paragraph “— even as the number of parents desperate for a baby grows.” This article is coming from the approach that the adoption is not about the adoptee…the adoption is about the adoptive parents and their desperation. This opening paragraph is blaming the social stigma of abandonment in adoption for the decline in adoptions. This article, should be CELEBRATING the fact that women are parenting more, but instead, its assuming they’re having more abortions.
Onto the next paragraph…so help me God.
“Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated.” Does she want to know why the choice is rarely celebrated by the adoptee or natural family? Because it hurt. Do you celebrate losing your mother or child? EVER? Is this article really suggesting that we CELEBRATE losing our families? Does the author know how utterly stupid that sounds? I can’t believe anyone would attach their name as the author to this shit. The next sentence is a positive one, but not from the authors perspective…”Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment,” nice work people, we are finally spreading the word. Looks like more people are ‘getting it’ and boo hoo its upset the baby sellers. How dare we speak out about our truths right?
The following sentence, she quotes a Utah adoption agency worker Kathy Kunkel who has also received the 2004 National Angels in Adoption award by the US Congress. For those of you who don’t know what that is, lets reference one of our enemies definitions of it…from adoption.com: Every year since 1999, the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI)
has been promoting adoption awareness at the top levels of the U.S. government, and each year, the CCAI has honored those who make extraordinary contributions to the welfare of children by presenting Angel in Adoption awards at a gala celebration in Washington, DC. This year, over 170 “Angel in Adoption” awards were presented at a dinner and awards ceremony on Thursday, September 23rd, at the Ronald Reagan Building & International Trade Center in Washington, D.C.” That was posted in 2004. My translation goes more along the lines of : Workers who sold the most children for adoption. Much more clear, concise and to the point ( in my opinion.)
Lets skip to paragraph 4. My favorite. The NCFA has longtime been seen by me, as the enemy. They claim to be “for” adoptees, however they are for adoption and not adoptee centric in any way shape or form. They are more anti-adoptee from this adoptees perspective and having my name affiliated with them in any way other then exposing their sickness would not happen, ever. Notice in paragraphs 3 and 4 they use terminology that insinuates that we should indeed have more “birthmothers.” We only get a few thousand of them a year, and only 1% of pregnant women are getting adoption referrals. The pro-adoption lot must really have their panties in a twist. My favorite part of the entire article however is this: And as council President Charles Johnson ( of the NCFA) told me in an interview: “Your decision is only as good as the information you’re given.”
Well at least he’s honest. I guess to Charles the information doesn’t have to be true and doesn’t have to be accurate if it doesn’t help the bank account get bigger. How dare these people use mothers day as a crutch to speak out to the world that abandonment isn’t happening in adoption. They’ve already tried to strip parents of their title by insulting them with birth terms. They try and celebrate “birth mothers day” the day BEFORE mothers day separating that motherhood bond just a little bit more. Now they want to scream out that there is no abandonment in adoption too. Just ignore all of the truths that are going on because its effecting our bank accounts and we’re only getting a few thousand birth mothers a year.
I can’t believe I have the stomach to even continue.
“A woman’s decision to carry a baby to term knowing that she will not reap the fruits of motherhood should be treated as an act of bravery and selflessness — the ultimate standards of good motherhood. How did it come to be considered an act of shame?” The ultimate standards of good motherhood is now giving your child away. This is how they sell adoption to scared pregnant women and this right here quiets my frustration and turns it into sadness. I ache for the girl who is alone, scared , and is told this. She is told its not abandonment, that its brave, selflessness, she’s a hero and exactly what a good mother should do. This is what they want you to believe, because it makes them money. This is how they lure you in. This is industry talk.
Did Johnson from the NCFA really just quote Moses as being a biblical inspirational adoptee in DEFENSE of adoption? I’m so curious if Mr. Johnson has even READ the bible and story of Moses or if he needs my translation on that as well…hence the name Gershom who is the first born son of Moses who’s name means I have been a stranger in a foreign land. Do they realize Moses left, and came back to the pharaoh and demanded he let his people go 7 times and all 7 were rejected so God cursed them with horrible plagues’ killing almost all of them. Ending in the death of the Pharaoh after he changed his mind after setting them free and chasing them to the red sea where Moses parted the waters and as the pharaoh follows God closed the seas on him ending in his death. That’s no adoptive father I’d like to be. They did get the forced surrender part right tho, the pharaoh ordered all boys in the kingdom to be killed, she had no choice but to send Moses away on a basket, it was that chance, or his death. That’s not exactly a relinquishment type scenario they should be advertising… imo.
Well its been fun, that’s about all I can take of this piece of work. Can’t believe an editor approved this mess for publishing. Hope you guys all have a great night and a Happy Mothers day…<3
Mothers day…. I dislike this day a ton. In my own family ( I have 3 daughters ) I feel like mothers day should be everyday! And my daughters ( the ones who can talk beyond babbling 😛 ) are really good at appreciating me and each other. They do tell me they love and appreciate me on a daily basis and I feel so fortunate that I have such amazing kids.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was at my amothers house on mothers day and was cooking her dinner and my daughters father gave ME a mothers day card. We didn’t have any born children yet, but in 4 months I was due with our first. My amom laughed and quickly silenced my enjoyment telling me it WASN’T my first mothers day, motherhood came from parenting your child, not merely growing one in your belly…I’ll never forget that laugh. It was so dismissive. It took every bit of joy I had in me and just killed it. We ended up arguing about it right there at the table.
“Carrying a baby is no easy task!” I shouted, “and I’ll have you know that the baby grows more in utero then any other time in his/her life! and she’s doing it INSIDE OF ME!” I continued “Its no easy task, everything about me is different and I’m sacrificing everything for her LIFE!!!”
Shortly after I got up and walked out.
My daughter was born a healthy 7lbs even and 21 inches long at 1:29 am that September. I held her and stared at her all night. counted and recounted her toes, sang her happy birthday as the sun came up, never fell asleep, I just gazed at her for hours. The nurses would come in and try to take her to the nursery ( what a joke )so I could rest but soon they realized the closer they came my guard dog like traits would soon show their teeth and after the 2nd day they backed off quite a bit.
The following mothers day, I was two months pregnant with my second child. Nobody knew except their father and me. Silly me I thought telling my amom the great news on mothers day would be a wonderful surprise. I was in her garage, we were walking in from just getting home and as I walked in behind her I told her I had some really great news…we’re having another baby!!!!!!!! Her face went blank. She walked out of the room and went upstairs…I followed. First words out of her mouth….”you don’t even have a savings account. You need to be looking into abortion, or giving it to a family who deserves a baby…”
I look back on that moment now and I can see this wasn’t my mother, this was miss-counseled infertility pain and brainwashing by the adoption industry. In the moment tho…those were fighting words. I passed my daughter to her father and asked him to go buckle her in the car seat. We were leaving. He did. I stayed upstairs. I informed her that if she ever suggested I give my child away to adoption, let alone kill it in an abortion clinic I would never speak to her again, and at this time I didn’t know when I could stomach speaking to her ever. I left. We didn’t talk for the remainder of my pregnancy.
After my daughter was born at 9:19 pm at the birthing center, I called her around 11pm. Told her she was born, a healthy 8.5 pounds, 20 inches long, and beautiful and I hung up.
I was so mad at my amother for years for what she did to me on those two mothers days. BTW she doesn’t remember either of them, has 0 recollection of them at all. I’ve tried to go back and get some resolution on them and in her mind those days do not exist. I can’t explain it but its like she completely wiped them from her memory. I was SO MAD at her for months, it was eating me alive…how my own mother could suggest I surrender a child when at that time she damn well knew how much I hated adoption, and then suggest I have an abortion…that hurt more then I can even put into words. Its easier when a stranger suggests it to you, but my mother… bleh.
My two daughters are now 7 and 8. I’d like to say I’m more mature, but maybe they’ve just taught me patience with or without my consent. lol. I feel like I can step out of the OMFG YOU JUST TOLD ME TO SURRENDER MY DAUGHTER TO ADOPTION I BAN YOU TO HELL FOR LIFE mode, and enter the…OMFG THE INDUSTRY REALLY BRAINWASHED YOU TOO mode. That wasn’t my mother speaking to me, that was the lies she was told by the industry and bought because it felt so good to hear. Idk what it feels like to not be able to have children of your own, being told you deserve them must be sort of soothing. I can’t imagine what it feels like, I can try to, and I have but I’ve never been and will never be there. I am done having kids. I have my 3 that I wanted and I didn’t even have to “try” for them, it’s a joke in my family that my partners pee and I get pregnant… *rolls eyes* I’m not typing that to wave my fertility in anyone’s face, I’m just shouting out clearly I have never been there. To pretend to know what it feels like would only be an insult to people who walk in those shoes. I’m sure mothers day, for a women who’s been trying to have children for years and can’t…isn’t very fun either. Nor is it fun for the mother who lost her child to adoption, … see how it comes full circle. Fuck this day.
So what am I going to do to get passed all of this…baggage that I associate on this stupid day? Celebrate my children, and especially on every other day of the year, teach them that we don’t need stupid holidays to appreciate one another. Tomorrow is never promised, if we feel love and appreciation for someone, we need to tell them NOW and in that moment because we don’t know how long we have to tell them. I’m going to call my natural mother on Sunday and probably sob for an hour into her ear and tell her how much I love her. Then I’m going to feel icky and go to my amoms house for dinner that her and my daughters are cooking for me because something in me fears mothers day and my amothers house now…. even after all these years. Nevertheless i’ll put a smile on my face, push the fear away and go and hope it turns out good like the last few have.
I hope this day is survivable for any readers who are reading this. I think I’ll go escape for the rest of my night into video games lol ( yep…i’m a mom who games 😛 ) guildwars2 BRING IT!
What if I told you that some of the same people
connected to the introduction of drugs into society that “accidentally” caused infertility
were also involved in the adoption industry
and profiting heavily off of the adoptions of babies.
I found my mother on November 22, 2001. A week before that I had found my aunt, cousin, and Father, along with his wife and my 3 1/2 siblings. Nobody on my father’s side of the family except his sister knew about me. I was the secret and I literally came knocking at his door. It never occurred to me that he wouldn’t have told them about me, in the midst of all the secrecy surrounding my adoption I had created this coping mechanism dream like “hope” that he’d fought for me and had been looking for me all these years, in fact I would play at the end of my driveway and stare at all the cars going by when I was little hoping one day it would be him.
I hated women growing up and even more scary is the fact that I felt they all hated me even more. Teachers, my amother, any female authority figure paid the price for my mother leaving me. Surrounding myself with male friends I was the ultimate tomboy. Although I had many chasing me, I always chose the losers who never treated me right. The ones I could play mother too and try hopelessly and fail at “fixing.”
The summer of 2002, I was on my adoptive families annual camping trip. anywhere from 20-50 of my cousins, aunts, uncles etc. go up to this lake every summer and camp, rent cabins, hike, backpack, fish and read 203459820459 books for around 2-3 weeks. We feast, we drink, we spend everyday outside, and every evening around the campfire telling stories, reflecting on our year and usually drink far too much and regret saying a few things the next morning.
I was VERY raw after reunion. Please understand, I found the perfect woman when I found my mother. She is flawless. My mother to this day, is the closest women to perfect I have ever known. She regrets ever surrendering me, it ruined her life, and she blames herself entirely for it. My mother is beautiful in every way, her faith, her strength, her sacrifices, her whole presence motivates me to be better and do more for others…my mother is like mother nature and that woman from the Bible proverbs 31:10-31…that is HER. o.o Only she’s more than that…she listens to me, she cares so much about me, she is so like me…finding her sent me into a spiral of emotional diarrhea, it was out of control. Here I thought reunion would fix all of these feelings and yet it only made them more intense.
So here we are…margarita night at my families camping trip, I’ve just turned 22, and returned from Hawaii where I spent the 22nd birthday literally on the beach of Hawaii having a sunrise breakfast with my natural mother. Eating our favorite foods and appreciating every ray of sun that crept over the ocean and mountains. I was in this…state of such vomit. I don’t know what else to call it but vomit. Because one minute I was so happy and the next with the flip of a switch I would be sobbing for everything I lost with her, and the next I was furious at adoption, yet not grasping the exact “whys” of hating the industry but knowing downright I hated it and everything that went along with it and the next I’d be okay again. I was very vulnerable, very raw.
Going into reunion I didn’t have any steps to it. I didn’t know much about how it would affect me, I didn’t have a big support group, and wasn’t too into adoption world online then. I had no idea how it would affect me emotionally and what feelings it would bring to my surface.
Like every year, my family invited numerous friends up to join us for our festivities in the wilderness. The adoptive family is really amazing, they have this incredible way of wanting to always touch people’s lives by bringing them into the mountains, so that they too can learn and appreciate the serenity that happens up there. Its one of the greatest gifts they have given me. Teaching me to let go and just listen to the wind in the aspens its something I hear now when I meditate at home. It is my safe place, when I go inside myself, I picture myself in the wilderness at that lake, and I find peace.
Where was I…oh yes the campfire. Here we are around the campfire, my afather has gone to bed, all of the “parent” generation Is sleeping and here I am at a campfire with oodles of cousins and their friends all around their 30’s and I’m in my early 20’s and we’ve all been drinking quite a bit. My cousin and I start talking about it, just the two of us, and before I know it i’m sobbing at the campfire. Before long everyone starts to notice and they all get quiet and begin to listen in on our conversation. I am the only adopted one at this fire. They are all outsiders, haven’t adopted, aren’t adopted, and to my knowledge never surrendered.
So they all start chiming in somewhere around “I FUCKING HATE ADOPTION, I HATE EVERY PART OF IT!!!!” I’m sure you can imagine their reactions. My cousins friend chimes in ( turns out they were looking to adopt, her husband who sat next to her at the fire is infertile.) Why would anyone hate adoption? Now I’m just going to point this out, if anyone reading this, happens to stumble across an adoptee newly into reunion feeling anger towards adoption just let them have their anger. It’s not an insult to you. It’s not a threat to you. It might be directed to you but ONLY because you happen to be in the way of the industry lol. LET US OWN OUR ANGER. I promise you, promise you promise you, it will settle one day. We won’t be running around with butcher knives and killing anyone who has adopted. Let the anger be ours. We have a right to it. We have been hurt.
So this chick…questions why in the hell I would be against adoption. And I start telling her about the industry and child trafficking and I’m getting looks like they think I’m some Goddamn alien who has just fallen out of the sky and needs to be restrained into a straight jacket. I’m mad that she questioned me. How DARE SHE. I ask her WHY WOULD I BE FOR ADOPTION? and I believe I called her an idiot somewhere in there… we go at it…and in the midst of it all I realize I don’t have concrete statistics and facts to back up my feelings. That I haven’t done enough research but I knew in my heart things were wrong, but that wasn’t good enough for this bitch I wanted to throw in the fire for eavesdropping onto my emotional release and then questioning it.
I’ll never forget how silent it got when she shouted back to me that I was the most ungrateful child she had ever met. My mother gave me up, that was the end of it, my relationship ended with her there. The fact that I’d even searched was an insult to my adoptive parents, and the fact that I sat at a fire speaking of how much I hated adoption should have gotten me disowned. I was supposed to be happy and grateful, and we do know the alternative…I could have been aborted. How dare I feel like something was missing.
It was like everything stopped. Her words echoed and everyone seemed to slow down as their heads all turned to me to see what I was going to do. At this point in my life, they knew I was violent, and I was, I’m not proud of it, but its a truth of my past. Bar fights were common for me, bloody knuckles were frequent but it was never my blood, always the girls I was on top of. I watched my cousin’s hand immediately take the margarita glass out of my reach and move the beer bottles just as I was looking to pick one up to throw at the loud mouth.
My cousin went to her friend, and suggested she stop and let me vent and maybe just go to bed. Before she could leave, I stood up and screamed a loud FUCK YOU BITCH. I didn’t go any further tho. I sat down and sobbed. I think that was my turning point. That moment right there is when I had had enough. That moment Is when I knew I would never let another person suppress my feelings, and I would go home back to my city when this trip was over and I would find every statistic, every fact and every other adoptee in the universe that felt like me so that next time some twat wanted to challenge my beliefs dammit I’d give them a challenge.
We don’t always have the answers to why things hurt us. Here I sit 10 years later, a mother to 3, a much different lifestyle and I’m starting to feel like… we don’t always need those answers either. If it hurts us, it can’t be good and that should be enough for people to see that changes need to happen. That should be enough for people to want to find the changes, and find the answers and make the future better and to help prevent generations of pain upon our people. When an adoptee is hurting… shame on ANYONE for trying to suppress that pain. How dare they! When someone is hurting you don’t shush them, even if you don’t understand why, you sit with them, listen, and let them release it so that they can continue to grow and heal. THAT is what people should be doing to adoptees. There WOULDN’T be this many speaking out about pain, if pain didn’t exist from it.
Now I realize those who do it, like the bitch at my campfire, might be ignorant on the subject, might have their own connection ( wanting to adopt because they can’t have babies of their own ),but selfishly I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say I don’t care about their problems. Am I silencing them? Am I doing exactly to them what I’m saying not to do to adoptees? Sort of. However, I didn’t volunteer to enter this industry. I was put here against my will and supposedly this whole “act of god” we’ll call adoption was done for my benefit. ME. Not the couple wanting a baby, not the pregnant woman or idiotic father who didn’t even admit I was his until we met at a restaurant 21 years later. It was done for me and every other adoptee out there as well. So if we’re jumping up and down saying THIS IS HURTING ME. Listen the hell up. Quit trying to tell US how to feel.
Feelings are a process, healing is what changes them. Healing takes time. Every emotional impact in our life has emotional stages of healing, WHY WOULDN’T ADOPTION? ESPECIALLY to the adoptee? You’ve got to be a class A idiot if you think adoptees shouldn’t be expressing any pain from adoption, let alone anger and depression. To the adoptee who is sitting there saying “I don’t feel any negative effects of it”…just wait. One day it will come. I promise you. I don’t want you to hurt, but honestly its inevitable. Sometimes I wonder if those screaming “I’m not hurt” are really hurting the most…
Well those are my thoughts of the day….
I watched a video today of this girl in China who believed her new adoptive parents were coming to take her home. She had TB and it ends up that she can’t go home with them. The video is the future adoptive mother taping the goodbye. All screams of “put the camera down” aside… I want to talk about this moment in the little girls life and what it feels like to go through that.
I think its the core of my adoptee-ness. I have been there so many times. At her age she is probably so scared to hold onto someone, to love them, to open up to them and in the video it seems like she has established some amount of trust in the man, her future adoptive father.
Then it happens, 3/4 of the way into the video she “gets” it. They’re leaving and she’s not going with them. The screams, the pleads for them to not leave without her. The cries, pulling for them to stay, pushing those trying to keep her away….oh how I have been there.
The rage will follow, hatred, detachment and finally…the life saving numbness that will stay with her forever. By the time she’s my age she’ll be able to turn it on and off if she’s aware of it like I am. Use it as a body guard, shield, warrior of self. Detach, numb, forget, protect and move on. Survival mechanisms are beautiful things.
My adoptive mother hated it about me. I would never open up, my wall is there, and will remain forever. I don’t let people in past a certain point for the same reason this little chinese girl screamed in this video. Cause once you do, you become a slave to their presence, it then becomes a game to always make sure they’re there for you, not going to leave you, still love you, that they’re not mad at you, and never ever going to abandon you.
Those without separation issues just don’t get it. How could you, you have never lost a part of your being like this. Once you lose it, it doesn’t come back. Its not curable by love, by the return of someone to care for you, by a stuffed animal, food, material things, it can’t be fixed. All you have is yourself and those who have walked in your shoes.