So much to say


I find myself reading and reading and having so much I want to blog on and yet I get so emotionally involved in these posts I end up “drafting” them in order to not sound like a raging lunatic troubled by the frustrations and downright corruption in adoption and the foster care system….. I just want to scream at all these idiots like WTF are you doing THESE ARE CHILDREN, and then I cry….and save draft and move onto the next one…

I hope your day is beautiful.

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A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment


Wow…there is SO much I see wrong in this article…I honestly cannot believe I’m reading it. Well that’s a lie, I can, because I know how utterly fucked up the adoption industry is but seeing it right now before my eyes at its best is stomach turning and humorous combined. I just came across this article: A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment written by Nina Easton. Click the link, read it…and then continue here ( if you dare. ) I’m about to dissect it. o.o

The first opening paragraph is already twisted and you can tell how the general feel of the entire article is going to go. This is an adoption industry article. Notice the last part of the final sentence of the first paragraph  “— even as the number of parents desperate for a baby grows.” This article is coming from the approach that the adoption is not about the adoptee…the adoption is about the adoptive parents and their desperation. This opening paragraph is blaming the social stigma of abandonment in adoption for the decline in adoptions. This article, should be CELEBRATING the fact that women are parenting more, but instead, its assuming they’re having more abortions.

Onto the next paragraph…so help me God.

“Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated.” Does she want to know why the choice is rarely celebrated by the adoptee or natural family? Because it hurt. Do you celebrate losing your mother or child? EVER? Is this article really suggesting that we CELEBRATE losing our families? Does the author know how utterly stupid that sounds? I can’t believe anyone would attach their name as the author to this shit. The next sentence is a positive one, but not from the authors perspective…”Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment,” nice work people, we are finally spreading the word. Looks like more people are ‘getting it’ and boo hoo its upset the baby sellers. How dare we speak out about our truths right?

The following sentence, she quotes a Utah adoption agency worker Kathy Kunkel who has also received the 2004 National Angels in Adoption award by the US Congress. For those of you who don’t know what that is, lets reference one of our enemies definitions of it…from adoption.com: Every year since 1999, the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI)
has been promoting adoption awareness at the top levels of the U.S. government, and each year, the CCAI has honored those who make extraordinary contributions to the welfare of children by presenting Angel in Adoption awards at a gala celebration in Washington, DC. This year, over 170 “Angel in Adoption” awards were presented at a dinner and awards ceremony on Thursday, September 23rd, at the Ronald Reagan Building & International Trade Center in Washington, D.C.” That was posted in 2004. My translation goes more along the lines of :  Workers who sold the most children for adoption. Much more clear, concise and to the point ( in my opinion.)

Lets skip to paragraph 4. My favorite. The NCFA has longtime been seen by me, as the enemy. They claim to be “for” adoptees, however they are for adoption and not adoptee centric in any way shape or form. They are more anti-adoptee from this adoptees perspective and having my name affiliated with them in any way other then exposing their sickness would not happen, ever. Notice in paragraphs 3 and 4 they use terminology that insinuates that we should indeed have more “birthmothers.” We only get a few thousand of them a year, and only 1% of pregnant women are getting adoption referrals. The pro-adoption lot must really have their panties in a twist. My favorite part of the entire article however is this:  And as council President Charles Johnson ( of the NCFA) told me in an interview: “Your decision is only as good as the information you’re given.”

Well at least he’s honest. I guess to Charles the information doesn’t have to be true and doesn’t have to be accurate if it doesn’t help the bank account get bigger. How dare these people use mothers day as a crutch to speak out to the world that abandonment isn’t happening in adoption. They’ve already tried to strip parents of their title by insulting them with birth terms. They try and celebrate “birth mothers day” the day BEFORE mothers day separating that motherhood bond just a little bit more. Now they want to scream out that there is no abandonment in adoption too. Just ignore all of the truths that are going on because its effecting our bank accounts and we’re only getting a few thousand birth mothers a year.

I can’t believe I have the stomach to even continue.

“A woman’s decision to carry a baby to term knowing that she will not reap the fruits of motherhood should be treated as an act of bravery and selflessness — the ultimate standards of good motherhood. How did it come to be considered an act of shame?” The ultimate standards of good motherhood is now giving your child away. This is how they sell adoption to scared pregnant women and this right here quiets my frustration and turns it into sadness. I ache for the girl who is alone, scared , and is told this. She is told its not abandonment, that its brave, selflessness, she’s a hero and exactly what a good mother should do. This is what they want you to believe, because it makes them money. This is how they lure you in. This is industry talk.

Did Johnson from the NCFA really just quote Moses as being a biblical inspirational adoptee in DEFENSE of adoption? I’m so curious if Mr. Johnson has even READ the bible and story of Moses or if he needs my translation on that as well…hence the name Gershom who is the first born son of Moses who’s name means I have been a stranger in a foreign land. Do they realize Moses left, and came back to the pharaoh and demanded he let his people go 7 times and all 7 were rejected so God cursed them with horrible plagues’ killing almost all of them. Ending in the death of the Pharaoh after he changed his mind after setting them free and chasing them to the red sea where Moses parted the waters and as the pharaoh follows God closed the seas on him ending in his death. That’s no adoptive father I’d like to be. They did get the forced surrender part right tho, the pharaoh ordered all boys in the kingdom to be killed, she had no choice but to send Moses away on a basket, it was that chance, or his death. That’s not exactly a relinquishment type scenario they should be advertising… imo.

Well its been fun, that’s about all I can take of this piece of work. Can’t believe an editor approved this mess for publishing. Hope you guys all have a great night and a Happy Mothers day…<3

What if I told you….


What if I told you that some of the same people

connected to the introduction of drugs into society that “accidentally” caused infertility

were also involved in the adoption industry

and profiting heavily off of the adoptions of babies.

Raw post-reunion emotions….just gut me already


I found my mother on November 22, 2001. A week before that I had found my aunt, cousin, and Father, along with his wife and my 3 1/2 siblings. Nobody on my father’s side of the family except his sister knew about me. I was the secret and I literally came knocking at his door. It never occurred to me that he wouldn’t have told them about me, in the midst of all the secrecy surrounding my adoption I had created this coping mechanism dream like “hope” that he’d fought for me and had been looking for me all these years, in fact I would play at the end of my driveway and stare at all the cars going by when I was little hoping one day it would be him.

I hated women growing up and even more scary is the fact that I felt they all hated me even more. Teachers, my amother, any female authority figure paid the price for my mother leaving me. Surrounding myself with male friends I was the ultimate tomboy. Although I had many chasing me, I always chose the losers who never treated me right. The ones I could play mother too and try hopelessly and fail at “fixing.”

The summer of 2002, I was on my adoptive families annual camping trip. anywhere from 20-50 of my cousins, aunts, uncles etc. go up to this lake every summer and camp, rent cabins, hike, backpack, fish and read 203459820459 books for around 2-3 weeks. We feast, we drink, we spend everyday outside, and every evening around the campfire telling stories, reflecting on our year and usually drink far too much and regret saying a few things the next morning.

I was VERY raw after reunion. Please understand, I found the perfect woman when I found my mother. She is flawless. My mother to this day, is the closest women to perfect I have ever known. She regrets ever surrendering me, it ruined her life, and she blames herself entirely for it. My mother is beautiful in every way, her faith, her strength, her sacrifices, her whole presence motivates me to be better and do more for others…my mother is like mother nature and that woman from the Bible proverbs 31:10-31…that is HER. o.o Only she’s more than that…she listens to me, she cares so much about me, she is so like me…finding her sent me into a spiral of emotional diarrhea, it was out of control. Here I thought reunion would fix all of these feelings and yet it only made them more intense.

So here we are…margarita night at my families camping trip, I’ve just turned 22, and returned from Hawaii where I spent the 22nd birthday literally on the beach of Hawaii having a sunrise breakfast with my natural mother. Eating our favorite foods and appreciating every ray of sun that crept over the ocean and mountains. I was in this…state of such vomit. I don’t know what else to call it but vomit. Because one minute I was so happy and the next with the flip of a switch I would be sobbing for everything I lost with her, and the next I was furious at adoption, yet not grasping the exact “whys” of hating the industry but knowing downright I hated it and everything that went along with it and the next I’d be okay again. I was very vulnerable, very raw.

Going into reunion I didn’t have any steps to it. I didn’t know much about how it would affect me, I didn’t have a big support group, and wasn’t too into adoption world online then. I had no idea how it would affect me emotionally and what feelings it would bring to my surface.

Like every year, my family invited numerous friends up to join us for our festivities in the wilderness. The adoptive family is really amazing, they have this incredible way of wanting to always touch people’s lives by bringing them into the mountains, so that they too can learn and appreciate the serenity that happens up there. Its one of the greatest gifts they have given me. Teaching me to let go and just listen to the wind in the aspens its something I hear now when I meditate at home. It is my safe place, when I go inside myself, I picture myself in the wilderness at that lake, and I find peace.

Where was I…oh yes the campfire. Here we are around the campfire, my afather has gone to bed, all of the “parent” generation Is sleeping and here I am at a campfire with oodles of cousins and their friends all around their 30’s and I’m in my early 20’s and we’ve all been drinking quite a bit. My cousin and I start talking about it, just the two of us, and before I know it i’m sobbing at the campfire. Before long everyone starts to notice and they all get quiet and begin to listen in on our conversation. I am the only adopted one at this fire. They are all outsiders, haven’t adopted, aren’t adopted, and to my knowledge never surrendered.

So they all start chiming in somewhere around “I FUCKING HATE ADOPTION, I HATE EVERY PART OF IT!!!!” I’m sure you can imagine their reactions. My cousins friend chimes in ( turns out they were looking to adopt, her husband who sat next to her at the fire is infertile.) Why would anyone hate adoption? Now I’m just going to point this out, if anyone reading this, happens to stumble across an adoptee newly into reunion feeling anger towards adoption just let them have their anger. It’s not an insult to you. It’s not a threat to you. It might be directed to you but ONLY because you happen to be in the way of the industry lol. LET US OWN OUR ANGER. I promise you, promise you promise you, it will settle one day. We won’t be running around with butcher knives and killing anyone who has adopted. Let the anger be ours. We have a right to it. We have been hurt.

So this chick…questions why in the hell I would be against adoption. And I start telling her about the industry and child trafficking and I’m getting looks like they think I’m some Goddamn alien who has just fallen out of the sky and needs to be restrained into a straight jacket. I’m mad that she questioned me. How DARE SHE. I ask her WHY WOULD I BE FOR ADOPTION? and I believe I called her an idiot somewhere in there… we go at it…and in the midst of it all I realize I don’t have concrete statistics and facts to back up my feelings. That I haven’t done enough research but I knew in my heart things were wrong, but that wasn’t good enough for this bitch I wanted to throw in the fire for eavesdropping onto my emotional release and then questioning it.

I’ll never forget how silent it got when she shouted back to me that I was the most ungrateful child she had ever met. My mother gave me up, that was the end of it, my relationship ended with her there. The fact that I’d even searched was an insult to my adoptive parents, and the fact that I sat at a fire speaking of how much I hated adoption should have gotten me disowned. I was supposed to be happy and grateful, and we do know the alternative…I could have been aborted. How dare I feel like something was missing.

It was like everything stopped. Her words echoed and everyone seemed to slow down as their heads all turned to me to see what I was going to do. At this point in my life, they knew I was violent, and I was, I’m not proud of it, but its a truth of my past. Bar fights were common for me, bloody knuckles were frequent but it was never my blood, always the girls I was on top of. I watched my cousin’s hand immediately take the margarita glass out of my reach and move the beer bottles just as I was looking to pick one up to throw at the loud mouth.

My cousin went to her friend, and suggested she stop and let me vent and maybe just go to bed. Before she could leave, I stood up and screamed a loud FUCK YOU BITCH. I didn’t go any further tho. I sat down and sobbed. I think that was my turning point. That moment right there is when I had had enough. That moment Is when I knew I would never let another person suppress my feelings, and I would go home back to my city when this trip was over and I would find every statistic, every fact and every other adoptee in the universe that felt like me so that next time some twat wanted to challenge my beliefs dammit I’d give them a challenge.

We don’t always have the answers to why things hurt us. Here I sit 10 years later, a mother to 3, a much different lifestyle and I’m starting to feel like… we don’t always need those answers either. If it hurts us, it can’t be good and that should be enough for people to see that changes need to happen. That should be enough for people to want to find the changes, and find the answers and make the future better and to help prevent generations of pain upon our people. When an adoptee is hurting… shame on ANYONE for trying to suppress that pain. How dare they! When someone is hurting you don’t shush them, even if you don’t understand why, you sit with them, listen, and let them release it so that they can continue to grow and heal. THAT is what people should be doing to adoptees. There WOULDN’T be this many speaking out about pain, if pain didn’t exist from it.

Now I realize those who do it, like the bitch at my campfire, might be ignorant on the subject, might have their own connection ( wanting to adopt because they can’t have babies of their own ),but selfishly I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say I don’t care about their problems. Am I silencing them? Am I doing exactly to them what I’m saying not to do to adoptees? Sort of. However, I didn’t volunteer to enter this industry. I was put here against my will and supposedly this whole “act of god” we’ll call adoption was done for my benefit. ME. Not the couple wanting a baby, not the pregnant woman or idiotic father who didn’t even admit I was his until we met at a restaurant 21 years later. It was done for me and every other adoptee out there as well. So if we’re jumping up and down saying THIS IS HURTING ME. Listen the hell up. Quit trying to tell US how to feel.

Feelings are a process, healing is what changes them. Healing takes time. Every emotional impact in our life has emotional stages of healing, WHY WOULDN’T ADOPTION? ESPECIALLY to the adoptee? You’ve got to be a class A idiot if you think adoptees shouldn’t be expressing any pain from adoption, let alone anger and depression. To the adoptee who is sitting there saying “I don’t feel any negative effects of it”…just wait. One day it will come. I promise you. I don’t want you to hurt, but honestly its inevitable. Sometimes I wonder if those screaming “I’m not hurt” are really hurting the most…

Well those are my thoughts of the day….

deuces

The Evangelical Christian adoption movement: The orphan crisis that wasn’t – Opinion – Al Jazeera English


The Evangelical Christian adoption movement: The orphan crisis that wasn't – Opinion – Al Jazeera English.

The 5 stages of grief – my adoptee centric version


Kubler-Ross has this hypothesis on the 5 stages of grieving you go through after experiencing a life changing event or loss. You can read a wiki page about it here and you know, if we were in person talking about this, i’d clear my throat, and say this bit a little louder and make sure you heard: “Kübler-Ross noted that these stages are not meant to be a complete list of all possible emotions that could be felt, and, they can occur in any order. Her hypothesis holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening/-altering event feels all five of the responses, as reactions to personal losses of any kind are as unique as the person experiencing them.”

So yes I know we go through things differently, we’re human. We’re are not meant to all be the same or else…we’d all be the same lol. But for those who are feeling it, I want you to know you have a right to all of the feelings you’re feeling. Even those of you who are fine and feeling no aftermath of being adopted, you’re just reading for fun, I’m glad you’re fine and if ever you are not fine with what happened, I’m here then too, and you totally have a right to feel that way as well. Like Kubler-Ross says, its a process, we’re all at different stages and all healing differently. What is important imo is that we’re healing, and that we have others who have been there and can offer their shoulders and spines to help you lean on if needed. So here are her stages that she first wrote about in 1969 and that have become pretty accepted, at least in my home 😛

( I edited the following snippet of stages to apply more to loss for the adoptee instead of person facing an illness / death as was written in 1969 in death and dying. She later after more experience with other grievances, applied these stages to all types of grief faced from a tragic experience like the loss of EVERYTHING an infant knows when losing his/her mother. Let alone our heritage, families, identities, and legalities…the original article can be found by clicking the link below 😛

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.

2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.

3. Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for some answers.( records? reunion? papers?”; “I will give my life savings if…”
“The personality theory in bargaining emphasizes that the type of personalities determine the bargaining process and its outcome.” from wiki

4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “Why go on?”
It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the ‘aftermath’. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.

5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t change the loss, I may as well… (get involved with activism and change this industry).”
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their loss. This stage varies according to the person’s situation. We all have our own stages and work through them however our needs demand.

So yes, some people are going to call bullshit on these stages. You can stomp your feet all you want but I went through them, I feel like I’m finally at acceptance too and I’m feeling pretty good about that. Its funny I see myself in all of the stages and a great deal of them were here on this blog and forums oh so long ago. So MAYBE these don’t apply to you, but they apply to me, and I bet there’s a few more of you that could apply these to you too. Reading them gave me ease and relief actually that look, its not some disorder my amother can label me with, its just a grieving process and if you keep making me try and ignore it, you’re only going to fight my healing process and prolong it. GO WITH IT.

Smile upon the depression because look… you’re growing ❤ The thought of this doesn't seem so far fetched to me anymore. Look how beautiful that adoptee anger is. It makes me want to hug it and love it and spin it all around the room because YAY you've finally crossed over and out of the fog of denial and you're growing and healing. HOW CAN THAT NOT BE BEAUTIFUL? I mean I feel so sorry for the next adoptee that I come across who is depressed…I might just give them a million happy faces and tell them I'm so thrilled they're on their way of processing their grief and healing…can you imagine? the reaction lmao. Seriously tho, these stages have become so special to me. I think healing is so beautiful. It reminds me that we really are human, that we really can survive almost ANYTHING, and maybe find a way to unite with the other unfortunate people going through it and help out one another to make the process a little bit easier along the way. There are so many fucking cool adoptees. Not only adoptees will fit into this…donor children / adults too… I wonder if you're out there in full force yet, what have I missed in these years of my absence online hmmm…

When I think of other tragic events, I think of death / dying ( the original blueprint of this theory,) rape, infertility, parents against drunk drivers, ugh parenting in general loll… all of which have major support groups nation and world wide. Crisis numbers you can call just to talk to others who will sponsor you / support you through your struggling times. We adoptees, need more of these communities in our lives where people can't and won't silence your healing process and you're allowed to feel whatever part of the process you are in. Not a place that tells us we should be grateful it happened lol or one that won't even admit or recognize our loss's. Man that's what AAAFC was for me…I wonder if they're still around o.o

We deserve them.

The next person I see silencing an adoptee is so fucked. lmao.

Alternatives to Adoption


I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, and every time I start thinking about what I will write, I “sigh.” Maybe because its one of the most common questions asked to me, its something I’ve repeated so many times, and still something that baffles me because I can’t believe so many people actually think this way.

I guess first I want to start out by saying, I’m a monkey, and anyone who knows or believes anything about Chinese year signs knows we’re curious and inquisitive. Maybe its the monkey in me or maybe its something else but I have never been one of those people who can just accept an answer because it is said to me. I am one of those people continually questioning my beliefs to make sure they are concrete. If there is anything I want the readers of this to understand it’s that I have tried numerous times to talk myself out of being anti adoption more times than I can count. I don’t want it to be this way. I have questioned my beliefs to such a great extent I feel like I can argue the oppositions side better than they can most of the time.

So when yet another comment comes through in my feed asking me what alternatives i would have preferred for my life since I was in foster care, or what i would like to see happen to the thousands of parent-less children who need families and their families can’t take care of them I cringe. It feels like society is stuck in this bubble that there is parenting your own child….or adoption. There is no in-between, there is no alternative, there is no other option it is one or the other, black or white… children who cannot for whatever reason stay with their family should be GRATEFUL they are adopted and had numerous rights violated in the process and just hush already. How dare we bastards fight for equality because you know the alternative don’t you….we could have been aborted. lol.

I want to write this out and just link it up to the sidebar so that I can just refer commenter’s there because honest to god they come in the hundreds.

Adoption to me is not parenting. It does not consist of parenting. Adoption, is a legal act of transferring legal parental rights to parties. Here is the wiki definition:

  • Adoption, the legal act of permanently placing a child with non-biological (adoptive) parents other than the biological (natural) parents.

It has nothing to do with the actual parenting of a child on an emotional level it is simply defining the legal act of taking another’s child in permanently.

That being said….I am not against the non biological parental figures of a child raising him/her when his/her natural parents TRULY cannot. I am WELL aware that there are some parents who are not fit to raise their children. I have sole and full custody of my children, I have taken their father to court and fought to have his rights taken until he is sober and in the right state of mind to be caring for children because at this time and for the past 4 years he has not been. I get it. I know the world isn’t perfect and not everyone can raise their babies.

However, I am not seeking a perfect world when I say that I oppose adoption, I’m speaking out for equality for adoptees. What IS possible is replacement parents, raising other people’s children without violating the rights that the adoptee has violated in every legal adoption of today. (Name changes, fee’s exchanged for the adoption of children, fee’s differing on race, altered birth certificates, sealed birth certificates. People profiting off of an adoption in any way shape or form… ) THE LEGAL PROCESS of adoption, violates numerous rights of the adoptee and that is a fact. That, ladies in gentlemen is what I am adamantly against. I am pro adoptee and honestly ALL of you should be. Adoptive parents, Parents who have surrendered and Adoptees should ALL be against the above things. ANYONE who isn’t hasn’t dug deep enough into the industry then to even have a say imo. loll. And i realize that sounds harsh but there is no good reason any of you wouldn’t be pro adoptee and anti adoption after putting some thought into it. Every argument can be discredited and the rights of the adoptee should always supersede the needs and wants of anyone else in the industry because after all, the adoption is for us…. isn’t it?

Bit of a rant but I’m so sick and tired of people being so ignorant to the fight for adoptee rights and just so closed-minded all together to not see the big picture of what is going on here to ask something so stupid as what would I like to have happened then? What would I like to have happened if I hadn’t been adopted?

To be kept…for my mother to have been given the same amount of support to PARENT me that she was to surrender me for a start. Had she still not been able to and she still felt the need to place me with replacement parents, how about not changing my name at 8 months old? I had a name. and as a mother to 3 I know that my children all knew their name at 8 months… I dreamt about my birth-name, I called myself it when i would play with friends as i grew older, i named my stuffed animals my birth-name and all the while not even my adoptive parents knew what it had been. How about keeping my birth certificate….real? Not altering or sealing it for starters, and there shouldn’t EVER be a single person profiting off of adoption.

Respecting and honoring the rights of the adoptee are the alternatives I’d like to see in adoption. Point me to where the adoptee is even legally represented and honored in the process of adoption please? Because I’m just not seeing it…

Sure we can get into the whole bypassing of “adoption” all together, try legal guardianship, try becoming the legal guardians of a mothertobe who wants to keep her baby and helping to raise your new grandchild instead of separating the two. People call adoption a selfless act but I can find quite a few more selfless avenues where the adoptee is respected if you want the “selfless act” title to be legit.

I honestly can’t believe people don’t see this and are so stuck in adoption as such a mighty act of kindness to a needy infant… it’s so insulting and flat-out mind-boggling to me.

Bleh, I’ll finish this another day and post it up as is…ha! Hope everyone is well and enjoying spring! My garden is growing and my ducks and chickens are flocking around, enjoying the sunshine as I am. peace!