Denial of loss


10 years ago I wouldn’t have understood this to the depth that I understand it now, and for that I am grateful. Ten years ago this would have hurt me tremendously and I probably would have withdrawn into a wall building adoptee hiding comfort zone and disappeared from my mother for a few months until I felt strong enough to say hello again. Today tho, the only part of it that weakens me is the reality of what she has to do to keep going on, and what a reflection that is of how she has had to do it her entire life after losing me.

 

In July my grandfather passed away. My mother has been taking care of him for the last 5 years of his life. I get mixed feelings from his passing, he was a crucial influence in me being left behind at the hospital 3 days after my birth and its hard for me to let go of that. I did meet him once however and it was a nice comforting visit. He was a very strong man, remembered for decapitating men in Vietnam war and eating raw liver, one of the last things I remember him telling me is the wise men say the least and listen most. He said this to me after I sat around him very quiet observing his every move.

 

Now that he has passed away my mother has come out to my area to plan his services and is here for a few weeks to make sure it all goes smoothly and to visit my children and me. We sat around the table at our visit that I blogged about yesterday and I noticed more than once my mother made reference to never experiencing a pain like that of losing her father since her brother died and then her…. and each time she got to “her” her eyes would meet mine and I “know” she was going to say “her daughter” but she would catch herself and stop. She doesn’t speak of her loss of me.

 

Ten years ago I would have felt like that meant my loss wasn’t significant enough to mention. That it didn’t impact her life in the way these other two deaths had, and that I wasn’t a big “loss” when we parted ways on my third day of life. Today however, I know that means something very different. I know that society doesn’t recognize a mother surrendering her child and continuing on with life as a painful experience. I know that that loss, when spoken of is often met with “what a selfless act, what a wonderful thing you’ve done, how incredible of you to have done that” which in return suppresses that pain even deeper.

 

I can relate to this. I did it for years when faced with adoption related topics or topics of loss, because my mother did all of that FOR me to have a better life, what a selfless thing for her to do and I must be so very grateful for that opportunity at a better life. It FEELS BETTER for outsiders to believe that. Hell it feels better for insiders to believe it until the truth finds its way out and eventually it always does. I mean that’s really the core of being in the Koolaid drinking happy adoptee land, you’re believing the happy myths…. that surrendering you was wonderful, well you might not be “believing them” because your soul doesn’t lie to you, deep down you know it hurts, but you’re saying them, maybe even convincing yourself of them or trying very hard to, because should you realize that reality isn’t reality at all, suddenly “reality” becomes very scary and vulnerable.

 

What would have happened if instead of pausing when my mother wanted to tell the waiter that she hasn’t experienced a loss like this since she lost her daughter, how would he have reacted? Would he have assumed I was dead? Would he have empathized with her? Would he have recognized it as a loss and told her how sorry he was for her loss? I believe these to be viable outcomes had this happened. Humor me for a moment and imagine what would have happened if she had then told him, she hasn’t felt a loss like this since she loss her daughter to adoption. Would she have been met with the same empathy? Maybe from you or me, because we’re reading adoption blogs and up to “par” on adoption loss but the average stranger… no, no I don’t believe she would have found that sympathy. Instead the suppressive rhetoric begins doesn’t it? Oh you gave a daughter up for adoption? How wonderful of you!! OMG you’re a birthmom how selfless!!!! What a heroic act of kindness you did!!! Immediately invalidating the tremendous loss that would follow a mother losing her child to adoption regardless of how that “choice” came to be…. pain is what it is.

 

It reminds me of growing up…often I would get depressed thinking about why my parents gave me up and I’d almost be ready to reach out to someone about it and as soon as I’d say how I was adopted i’d hear ” oh you’re so lucky I always wanted to be adopted! ” “how nice of your mom to give you a better life” “you must be so grateful you weren’t aborted” its the same kind of suppressive “support” I spoke of in reference to my mother above. It has to be societies way of not understanding this in-depth reality we find in adoption and their poor attempt to “get it.” I don’t feel like they have bad intentions in saying these things but they just do… because it’s all over the media, its in all the magazines, its in the adoption agencies this false propaganda of happiness following separation and loss its polluting reality.

 

I see it happening with people who have had miscarriages or found out they’re living a life with infertility. I personally have never been in that shoe, I have 3 natural children of my own, but I watch it happen to them. It happened to my adoptive parents, as SOON as infertility was discovered ADOPTION was pushed. Why? Adoption doesn’t cure infertility. Adoptees don’t “fix” the loss of not having children of your own. The two aren’t connected and yet society just doesn’t get it or want to hear it because they haven’t before and its easier to make all that “ugly” “uncomfy” “icky” feelings be portrayed as minor problems that can be fixed with adoption….and yet….they can’t be.

 

It’s okay to feel pain from loss, in fact it’s very healthy to, and it’s just as okay to own those feelings, talk about those feelings and correct people when they misinterpret those feelings, they are YOUR feelings. I know that for a long time I tried to drink that kooliad, I wanted that bullshit fake “omg you were so lucky to be adopted” to be true, I wanted to be lucky…but when you spend a lifetime trying to convince yourself that pain = happiness destructive patterns are bound to happen and that can be very dangerous. If you are one of these people who are having to hide your pain from the average Joe because you’d rather not “go there” with the ignorant…I get it…and I feel you. If you’re living a life where people are continually telling you to be grateful about something that hurts so bad you could scream in frustration from the highest mountain…I get it…I feel you…and I’m sorry. I’m here for you. Don’t be afraid to own your truth. Its yours and nobody can take it from you. The more you speak out about it, the more we can fix this broken part of the industry, the more we can make the road smoother for those who walk down it after us and the more we can help each other heal….god willing…we might even prevent it one day ❤

Craigslist “adoption” foiled


Have you guys seen this? What are your thoughts on this? You can read about it here.

Basically a women posted an ad on craigslist saying she didn’t think she could take care of her son, who is 3 and was looking for a couple to adopt him. The post got pulled and the police have gotten involved.

“Police are charging Redus with a misdemeanor offense, saying that she “unlawfully intentionally and knowingly advertised in the public media, namely Craigslist, her son, Conner Danger Redus, for adoption.” The posting was placed on May 1, according to police.”

Her charges are what gets me. Now for the record I do not agree with what she did. However what is so different from what she did then say an agency putting up an ad? Or adoptive parents putting up an add saying they’re looking to adopt. How many people do you think responded to her add? “She told police she did respond to several reply messages to adopt her son.”

I”m just confused on why she would be arrested and charged with a misdemeanor for not going to an agency to place her son, but trying to place him on her own.  Yes, now she says that she didn’t plan to place him etc etc. Maybe she was going to scam the couples for money, who knows you can only guess at this point, but I think if theyr’e not going to allow mothers to place their children in ad’s on the net, then they need to pull all adds in that energy down, adoptive parents, paps, adoption agencies, private adoption lawyers….BRING THEM ALL DOWN! One simple google for “craigslist looking to adopt” and a goldmine pops up.. example 1 2 3 . LUCKILY…in that same google I found the lovely claud blogging about this horrific tragedy as well: READ HER GREAT POST HERE. Again, my position is charge them all with misdemeanors! Yes ma’am thats my position and I’m sticking to it! Back to gardening I go…its me vs the squirrels round 4 and the squirrels are totally winning.

A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment


Wow…there is SO much I see wrong in this article…I honestly cannot believe I’m reading it. Well that’s a lie, I can, because I know how utterly fucked up the adoption industry is but seeing it right now before my eyes at its best is stomach turning and humorous combined. I just came across this article: A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment written by Nina Easton. Click the link, read it…and then continue here ( if you dare. ) I’m about to dissect it. o.o

The first opening paragraph is already twisted and you can tell how the general feel of the entire article is going to go. This is an adoption industry article. Notice the last part of the final sentence of the first paragraph  “— even as the number of parents desperate for a baby grows.” This article is coming from the approach that the adoption is not about the adoptee…the adoption is about the adoptive parents and their desperation. This opening paragraph is blaming the social stigma of abandonment in adoption for the decline in adoptions. This article, should be CELEBRATING the fact that women are parenting more, but instead, its assuming they’re having more abortions.

Onto the next paragraph…so help me God.

“Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated.” Does she want to know why the choice is rarely celebrated by the adoptee or natural family? Because it hurt. Do you celebrate losing your mother or child? EVER? Is this article really suggesting that we CELEBRATE losing our families? Does the author know how utterly stupid that sounds? I can’t believe anyone would attach their name as the author to this shit. The next sentence is a positive one, but not from the authors perspective…”Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment,” nice work people, we are finally spreading the word. Looks like more people are ‘getting it’ and boo hoo its upset the baby sellers. How dare we speak out about our truths right?

The following sentence, she quotes a Utah adoption agency worker Kathy Kunkel who has also received the 2004 National Angels in Adoption award by the US Congress. For those of you who don’t know what that is, lets reference one of our enemies definitions of it…from adoption.com: Every year since 1999, the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI)
has been promoting adoption awareness at the top levels of the U.S. government, and each year, the CCAI has honored those who make extraordinary contributions to the welfare of children by presenting Angel in Adoption awards at a gala celebration in Washington, DC. This year, over 170 “Angel in Adoption” awards were presented at a dinner and awards ceremony on Thursday, September 23rd, at the Ronald Reagan Building & International Trade Center in Washington, D.C.” That was posted in 2004. My translation goes more along the lines of :  Workers who sold the most children for adoption. Much more clear, concise and to the point ( in my opinion.)

Lets skip to paragraph 4. My favorite. The NCFA has longtime been seen by me, as the enemy. They claim to be “for” adoptees, however they are for adoption and not adoptee centric in any way shape or form. They are more anti-adoptee from this adoptees perspective and having my name affiliated with them in any way other then exposing their sickness would not happen, ever. Notice in paragraphs 3 and 4 they use terminology that insinuates that we should indeed have more “birthmothers.” We only get a few thousand of them a year, and only 1% of pregnant women are getting adoption referrals. The pro-adoption lot must really have their panties in a twist. My favorite part of the entire article however is this:  And as council President Charles Johnson ( of the NCFA) told me in an interview: “Your decision is only as good as the information you’re given.”

Well at least he’s honest. I guess to Charles the information doesn’t have to be true and doesn’t have to be accurate if it doesn’t help the bank account get bigger. How dare these people use mothers day as a crutch to speak out to the world that abandonment isn’t happening in adoption. They’ve already tried to strip parents of their title by insulting them with birth terms. They try and celebrate “birth mothers day” the day BEFORE mothers day separating that motherhood bond just a little bit more. Now they want to scream out that there is no abandonment in adoption too. Just ignore all of the truths that are going on because its effecting our bank accounts and we’re only getting a few thousand birth mothers a year.

I can’t believe I have the stomach to even continue.

“A woman’s decision to carry a baby to term knowing that she will not reap the fruits of motherhood should be treated as an act of bravery and selflessness — the ultimate standards of good motherhood. How did it come to be considered an act of shame?” The ultimate standards of good motherhood is now giving your child away. This is how they sell adoption to scared pregnant women and this right here quiets my frustration and turns it into sadness. I ache for the girl who is alone, scared , and is told this. She is told its not abandonment, that its brave, selflessness, she’s a hero and exactly what a good mother should do. This is what they want you to believe, because it makes them money. This is how they lure you in. This is industry talk.

Did Johnson from the NCFA really just quote Moses as being a biblical inspirational adoptee in DEFENSE of adoption? I’m so curious if Mr. Johnson has even READ the bible and story of Moses or if he needs my translation on that as well…hence the name Gershom who is the first born son of Moses who’s name means I have been a stranger in a foreign land. Do they realize Moses left, and came back to the pharaoh and demanded he let his people go 7 times and all 7 were rejected so God cursed them with horrible plagues’ killing almost all of them. Ending in the death of the Pharaoh after he changed his mind after setting them free and chasing them to the red sea where Moses parted the waters and as the pharaoh follows God closed the seas on him ending in his death. That’s no adoptive father I’d like to be. They did get the forced surrender part right tho, the pharaoh ordered all boys in the kingdom to be killed, she had no choice but to send Moses away on a basket, it was that chance, or his death. That’s not exactly a relinquishment type scenario they should be advertising… imo.

Well its been fun, that’s about all I can take of this piece of work. Can’t believe an editor approved this mess for publishing. Hope you guys all have a great night and a Happy Mothers day…<3

Raw post-reunion emotions….just gut me already


I found my mother on November 22, 2001. A week before that I had found my aunt, cousin, and Father, along with his wife and my 3 1/2 siblings. Nobody on my father’s side of the family except his sister knew about me. I was the secret and I literally came knocking at his door. It never occurred to me that he wouldn’t have told them about me, in the midst of all the secrecy surrounding my adoption I had created this coping mechanism dream like “hope” that he’d fought for me and had been looking for me all these years, in fact I would play at the end of my driveway and stare at all the cars going by when I was little hoping one day it would be him.

I hated women growing up and even more scary is the fact that I felt they all hated me even more. Teachers, my amother, any female authority figure paid the price for my mother leaving me. Surrounding myself with male friends I was the ultimate tomboy. Although I had many chasing me, I always chose the losers who never treated me right. The ones I could play mother too and try hopelessly and fail at “fixing.”

The summer of 2002, I was on my adoptive families annual camping trip. anywhere from 20-50 of my cousins, aunts, uncles etc. go up to this lake every summer and camp, rent cabins, hike, backpack, fish and read 203459820459 books for around 2-3 weeks. We feast, we drink, we spend everyday outside, and every evening around the campfire telling stories, reflecting on our year and usually drink far too much and regret saying a few things the next morning.

I was VERY raw after reunion. Please understand, I found the perfect woman when I found my mother. She is flawless. My mother to this day, is the closest women to perfect I have ever known. She regrets ever surrendering me, it ruined her life, and she blames herself entirely for it. My mother is beautiful in every way, her faith, her strength, her sacrifices, her whole presence motivates me to be better and do more for others…my mother is like mother nature and that woman from the Bible proverbs 31:10-31…that is HER. o.o Only she’s more than that…she listens to me, she cares so much about me, she is so like me…finding her sent me into a spiral of emotional diarrhea, it was out of control. Here I thought reunion would fix all of these feelings and yet it only made them more intense.

So here we are…margarita night at my families camping trip, I’ve just turned 22, and returned from Hawaii where I spent the 22nd birthday literally on the beach of Hawaii having a sunrise breakfast with my natural mother. Eating our favorite foods and appreciating every ray of sun that crept over the ocean and mountains. I was in this…state of such vomit. I don’t know what else to call it but vomit. Because one minute I was so happy and the next with the flip of a switch I would be sobbing for everything I lost with her, and the next I was furious at adoption, yet not grasping the exact “whys” of hating the industry but knowing downright I hated it and everything that went along with it and the next I’d be okay again. I was very vulnerable, very raw.

Going into reunion I didn’t have any steps to it. I didn’t know much about how it would affect me, I didn’t have a big support group, and wasn’t too into adoption world online then. I had no idea how it would affect me emotionally and what feelings it would bring to my surface.

Like every year, my family invited numerous friends up to join us for our festivities in the wilderness. The adoptive family is really amazing, they have this incredible way of wanting to always touch people’s lives by bringing them into the mountains, so that they too can learn and appreciate the serenity that happens up there. Its one of the greatest gifts they have given me. Teaching me to let go and just listen to the wind in the aspens its something I hear now when I meditate at home. It is my safe place, when I go inside myself, I picture myself in the wilderness at that lake, and I find peace.

Where was I…oh yes the campfire. Here we are around the campfire, my afather has gone to bed, all of the “parent” generation Is sleeping and here I am at a campfire with oodles of cousins and their friends all around their 30’s and I’m in my early 20’s and we’ve all been drinking quite a bit. My cousin and I start talking about it, just the two of us, and before I know it i’m sobbing at the campfire. Before long everyone starts to notice and they all get quiet and begin to listen in on our conversation. I am the only adopted one at this fire. They are all outsiders, haven’t adopted, aren’t adopted, and to my knowledge never surrendered.

So they all start chiming in somewhere around “I FUCKING HATE ADOPTION, I HATE EVERY PART OF IT!!!!” I’m sure you can imagine their reactions. My cousins friend chimes in ( turns out they were looking to adopt, her husband who sat next to her at the fire is infertile.) Why would anyone hate adoption? Now I’m just going to point this out, if anyone reading this, happens to stumble across an adoptee newly into reunion feeling anger towards adoption just let them have their anger. It’s not an insult to you. It’s not a threat to you. It might be directed to you but ONLY because you happen to be in the way of the industry lol. LET US OWN OUR ANGER. I promise you, promise you promise you, it will settle one day. We won’t be running around with butcher knives and killing anyone who has adopted. Let the anger be ours. We have a right to it. We have been hurt.

So this chick…questions why in the hell I would be against adoption. And I start telling her about the industry and child trafficking and I’m getting looks like they think I’m some Goddamn alien who has just fallen out of the sky and needs to be restrained into a straight jacket. I’m mad that she questioned me. How DARE SHE. I ask her WHY WOULD I BE FOR ADOPTION? and I believe I called her an idiot somewhere in there… we go at it…and in the midst of it all I realize I don’t have concrete statistics and facts to back up my feelings. That I haven’t done enough research but I knew in my heart things were wrong, but that wasn’t good enough for this bitch I wanted to throw in the fire for eavesdropping onto my emotional release and then questioning it.

I’ll never forget how silent it got when she shouted back to me that I was the most ungrateful child she had ever met. My mother gave me up, that was the end of it, my relationship ended with her there. The fact that I’d even searched was an insult to my adoptive parents, and the fact that I sat at a fire speaking of how much I hated adoption should have gotten me disowned. I was supposed to be happy and grateful, and we do know the alternative…I could have been aborted. How dare I feel like something was missing.

It was like everything stopped. Her words echoed and everyone seemed to slow down as their heads all turned to me to see what I was going to do. At this point in my life, they knew I was violent, and I was, I’m not proud of it, but its a truth of my past. Bar fights were common for me, bloody knuckles were frequent but it was never my blood, always the girls I was on top of. I watched my cousin’s hand immediately take the margarita glass out of my reach and move the beer bottles just as I was looking to pick one up to throw at the loud mouth.

My cousin went to her friend, and suggested she stop and let me vent and maybe just go to bed. Before she could leave, I stood up and screamed a loud FUCK YOU BITCH. I didn’t go any further tho. I sat down and sobbed. I think that was my turning point. That moment right there is when I had had enough. That moment Is when I knew I would never let another person suppress my feelings, and I would go home back to my city when this trip was over and I would find every statistic, every fact and every other adoptee in the universe that felt like me so that next time some twat wanted to challenge my beliefs dammit I’d give them a challenge.

We don’t always have the answers to why things hurt us. Here I sit 10 years later, a mother to 3, a much different lifestyle and I’m starting to feel like… we don’t always need those answers either. If it hurts us, it can’t be good and that should be enough for people to see that changes need to happen. That should be enough for people to want to find the changes, and find the answers and make the future better and to help prevent generations of pain upon our people. When an adoptee is hurting… shame on ANYONE for trying to suppress that pain. How dare they! When someone is hurting you don’t shush them, even if you don’t understand why, you sit with them, listen, and let them release it so that they can continue to grow and heal. THAT is what people should be doing to adoptees. There WOULDN’T be this many speaking out about pain, if pain didn’t exist from it.

Now I realize those who do it, like the bitch at my campfire, might be ignorant on the subject, might have their own connection ( wanting to adopt because they can’t have babies of their own ),but selfishly I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say I don’t care about their problems. Am I silencing them? Am I doing exactly to them what I’m saying not to do to adoptees? Sort of. However, I didn’t volunteer to enter this industry. I was put here against my will and supposedly this whole “act of god” we’ll call adoption was done for my benefit. ME. Not the couple wanting a baby, not the pregnant woman or idiotic father who didn’t even admit I was his until we met at a restaurant 21 years later. It was done for me and every other adoptee out there as well. So if we’re jumping up and down saying THIS IS HURTING ME. Listen the hell up. Quit trying to tell US how to feel.

Feelings are a process, healing is what changes them. Healing takes time. Every emotional impact in our life has emotional stages of healing, WHY WOULDN’T ADOPTION? ESPECIALLY to the adoptee? You’ve got to be a class A idiot if you think adoptees shouldn’t be expressing any pain from adoption, let alone anger and depression. To the adoptee who is sitting there saying “I don’t feel any negative effects of it”…just wait. One day it will come. I promise you. I don’t want you to hurt, but honestly its inevitable. Sometimes I wonder if those screaming “I’m not hurt” are really hurting the most…

Well those are my thoughts of the day….

deuces

Alternatives to Adoption


I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, and every time I start thinking about what I will write, I “sigh.” Maybe because its one of the most common questions asked to me, its something I’ve repeated so many times, and still something that baffles me because I can’t believe so many people actually think this way.

I guess first I want to start out by saying, I’m a monkey, and anyone who knows or believes anything about Chinese year signs knows we’re curious and inquisitive. Maybe its the monkey in me or maybe its something else but I have never been one of those people who can just accept an answer because it is said to me. I am one of those people continually questioning my beliefs to make sure they are concrete. If there is anything I want the readers of this to understand it’s that I have tried numerous times to talk myself out of being anti adoption more times than I can count. I don’t want it to be this way. I have questioned my beliefs to such a great extent I feel like I can argue the oppositions side better than they can most of the time.

So when yet another comment comes through in my feed asking me what alternatives i would have preferred for my life since I was in foster care, or what i would like to see happen to the thousands of parent-less children who need families and their families can’t take care of them I cringe. It feels like society is stuck in this bubble that there is parenting your own child….or adoption. There is no in-between, there is no alternative, there is no other option it is one or the other, black or white… children who cannot for whatever reason stay with their family should be GRATEFUL they are adopted and had numerous rights violated in the process and just hush already. How dare we bastards fight for equality because you know the alternative don’t you….we could have been aborted. lol.

I want to write this out and just link it up to the sidebar so that I can just refer commenter’s there because honest to god they come in the hundreds.

Adoption to me is not parenting. It does not consist of parenting. Adoption, is a legal act of transferring legal parental rights to parties. Here is the wiki definition:

  • Adoption, the legal act of permanently placing a child with non-biological (adoptive) parents other than the biological (natural) parents.

It has nothing to do with the actual parenting of a child on an emotional level it is simply defining the legal act of taking another’s child in permanently.

That being said….I am not against the non biological parental figures of a child raising him/her when his/her natural parents TRULY cannot. I am WELL aware that there are some parents who are not fit to raise their children. I have sole and full custody of my children, I have taken their father to court and fought to have his rights taken until he is sober and in the right state of mind to be caring for children because at this time and for the past 4 years he has not been. I get it. I know the world isn’t perfect and not everyone can raise their babies.

However, I am not seeking a perfect world when I say that I oppose adoption, I’m speaking out for equality for adoptees. What IS possible is replacement parents, raising other people’s children without violating the rights that the adoptee has violated in every legal adoption of today. (Name changes, fee’s exchanged for the adoption of children, fee’s differing on race, altered birth certificates, sealed birth certificates. People profiting off of an adoption in any way shape or form… ) THE LEGAL PROCESS of adoption, violates numerous rights of the adoptee and that is a fact. That, ladies in gentlemen is what I am adamantly against. I am pro adoptee and honestly ALL of you should be. Adoptive parents, Parents who have surrendered and Adoptees should ALL be against the above things. ANYONE who isn’t hasn’t dug deep enough into the industry then to even have a say imo. loll. And i realize that sounds harsh but there is no good reason any of you wouldn’t be pro adoptee and anti adoption after putting some thought into it. Every argument can be discredited and the rights of the adoptee should always supersede the needs and wants of anyone else in the industry because after all, the adoption is for us…. isn’t it?

Bit of a rant but I’m so sick and tired of people being so ignorant to the fight for adoptee rights and just so closed-minded all together to not see the big picture of what is going on here to ask something so stupid as what would I like to have happened then? What would I like to have happened if I hadn’t been adopted?

To be kept…for my mother to have been given the same amount of support to PARENT me that she was to surrender me for a start. Had she still not been able to and she still felt the need to place me with replacement parents, how about not changing my name at 8 months old? I had a name. and as a mother to 3 I know that my children all knew their name at 8 months… I dreamt about my birth-name, I called myself it when i would play with friends as i grew older, i named my stuffed animals my birth-name and all the while not even my adoptive parents knew what it had been. How about keeping my birth certificate….real? Not altering or sealing it for starters, and there shouldn’t EVER be a single person profiting off of adoption.

Respecting and honoring the rights of the adoptee are the alternatives I’d like to see in adoption. Point me to where the adoptee is even legally represented and honored in the process of adoption please? Because I’m just not seeing it…

Sure we can get into the whole bypassing of “adoption” all together, try legal guardianship, try becoming the legal guardians of a mothertobe who wants to keep her baby and helping to raise your new grandchild instead of separating the two. People call adoption a selfless act but I can find quite a few more selfless avenues where the adoptee is respected if you want the “selfless act” title to be legit.

I honestly can’t believe people don’t see this and are so stuck in adoption as such a mighty act of kindness to a needy infant… it’s so insulting and flat-out mind-boggling to me.

Bleh, I’ll finish this another day and post it up as is…ha! Hope everyone is well and enjoying spring! My garden is growing and my ducks and chickens are flocking around, enjoying the sunshine as I am. peace!

Why would anybody who was raised in a loving home be unhappy about being adopted?


Why would anybody who was raised in a loving home be unhappy about being adopted, or opposed to the very nature of adoption?

This was asked to me today in the comments on the “About Me” page I have here. Its a genuine question that I think a lot of people who aren’t effected or maybe even are effected by adoption ask themselves once they come across someone who’s views towards adoption, are similar to mine.

I do not support it. I don’t condone it, nor do I believe in adoption. I have many reasons and I think it will do me some good after this long break to put it into a post and get it into the concrete form of some kind for others to read when wondering why the hell i feel the way I do.

As I have said, i had and still have good parents, adoptive and natural. I wasn’t physically abused, sure my aparents made some mistakes just like all parents do, but nothing to be held by a noose and hung for and not much to blame or hate adoption for.

The little bit being the uneducated state of mind they were encouraged to have and left with after taking me into their care. I don’t support encouraging people experiencing infertility and desperate for a child to adopt. Adoption is not a band-aid for infertility and it never should be. It doesn’t heal someones infertility and putting that responsibility onto a child grieving the loss of their mother is dismissive and not honoring the emotional well being of the child.

When a child is born she/he is attached emotionally and physically to the mother. Everything that child wants, loves and needs is provided for from the mother whom he/she has grown with in utero for 9 months until birth.

Everything should be done to keep these beings together, and poverty although one of the leading factors to surrender, should never be a leading factor to surrender because money never makes someone a good parent.

I don’t believe in adoption because it has become an industry that provides babies to couples willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for a child. With no care of the child’s well being they have price tags put onto their heads that differ according to race and age. Priority has been put on getting the commodity to make billions annually off of the couples willing to pay, instead of helping the children stuck in foster care get homes. Foster youth are rotting away because they have become least valuable and marketable and so they have been swept under the rug.

All the while the rights being given to the adoptees are the least of any and all other parties involved in adoption. We do not have our birth certificates although not one single document promising anyone a right to privacy has yet to be found. Study after study fails to find them ( because they don’t exist ) and yet millions of us are being discriminated against daily by the denial of our birth certificates.

Our names are changed without our consent all to help fill the dream of the adoptive parents of having and naming their “own” child.

Too many mothers have been coerced and forced to surrender their children via pressure of society from the social stigma of illegitimate born children, forced into unwed mothers homes and raped of their motherhood and children. Now even today mothers are still being pressured to surrender in different ways through threats of not being able to pursue their dreams or college or never finding someone who would want to care for a woman and her child born to a diff. man. Marketing in every parenting magazine, in dr’s offices, gyno offices, highschools, counseling centers and yet the real issues, the complexity of adoption is rarely shown. How is it an informed decision if all angles are not being shown?

Not to mention giving surrendering parents rights to veto and keep our records sealed which is unconstitutional by witholding our vital information from us at their beck and call even though their documents did not say anything about privacy rights is discrimination and a slap in the face from the very industry that makes billions annually from us.

There are many ways to care for children, but i do not support in the ownership of them and that is what adoption is to me. It is buying, selling, renaming and falsifying their documents to make the sale legal. It is exploiting and profiting off of the adoptee with no intention of helping them in any way shape or form.

Adoption isn’t doing anything for humanity. It isn’t helping end third world poverty, it isn’t helping children with AID’s it isn’t reducing the number of children in orphanages, it isn’t reducing the number of children who are being surrendered, it is only helping the adoptive parents get the child they wanted. It is a consumer driven industry that has been built off of the trauma separation and loss of mother and child and father. It is creating unnecessary loss and separation in thousands of families. It is raping people of their ancestry, culture, history and self. It is violating the sense of family too many are advocating for the preservation of in my state of California right now for diff. reasons, but i’m bitter about that too so I’ll throw in my disgust of proposition 8 in as well.

Non profit adoption agencies are making MILLIONS annually and if you don’t believe me, look at their 990 forms online that are public access. I realize that some mothers can’t, for whatever reasons raise their children, but that is not even close to the level of mothers and fathers losing their children each year around our world to be adopted into the families of american and european and australians. ( Yes i realize others adopt, but i see these families and countries adopting more than others.)

Adoption should be about the child. Where the childs rights and feelings are first, are foremost and as the original asker of the question that triggered this post said, should be paramount. But in adoption, of today, it isn’t. The child’s rights and feelings are last. As an adoptee I lost everything and it was never even thought about. I was told to be grateful for it and happy i wasn’t aborted. My loss has been dismissed by society more times than I’d like to remember. The mindset of adoption in this country is unhealthy and frightening, where the leading profit makers in adoption are running the adoption awareness campaigns painting in this beautiful light full of fake love, fake flowers and artificial kindness that is all coming from greed for more money, even if it sacrifices the child’s soul.

It is possible to care for a child without having to rename them, buy them, take away their history, ancestry, records and connection to their family. The “politics” and “industry” of adoption has ruined the very core of why it SHOULD be beautiful. If adoption was for the child, would foster children even be in the system? or would they already have a home? Would they have to be legally adopted and have their rights stripped and taken from them? or would they be allowed to be who they are and honored for exactly that and raised with love and respect for being just them. Is it possible to give a child shelter, safety, love, nourishment, care, food and a home without having to exploit them through the industry of adoption? It should be possible and is possible but rarely happens. It definitely doesn’t happen in adoption. Adoption stopped being about the child long ago.

You must have had a bad life…


As an adoptee rights activist, one who doesn’t believe that adoptees are treated equally and who advocates and works towards restoring our equality as adopted adults I am often told by people who don’t know me, or my life story that they “assume I’ve had a really bad life.”

I MUST have had a bad life or else I wouldn’t be criticizing adoption to the degree that I do.

Ignorance I tell ya, its a witch!

Every single time someone who thinks adoption is “great” hears that me, an adoptee, is against adoption to the degree that I am, 9 times out of 10 the sentence following that is “oh, you must have had a really bad life.”

Dismiss.

Because what else is the option for them? To question their own beliefs on adoption being overall “good” and potentially have a falling out of everything they’ve put their hope into? Adoption is NOT a band-aid for infertility, childless couples, building families, saving children, abortion alternatives, etc. Adoption needs to ALWAYS be about the child, and the child’s well being overall.

So for all of those people who “think” I’ve had a bad life, because I’m against adoption… this is for you.

I LOVE my adoptive parents. I was provided for, nurtured, and loved. Infact, I still am. I see my parents every week, they are active in my life and are wonderful grandparents to my children. I was financially well taken care of, I got it all, pool, horse, large house, loving family and I even inherit a HUGE ranch in my future hopefully farther than closer because that will mean my adad has died, and that is a day i NEVER want to live. Just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. Its something I’m not prepared for and never will be, hopefully its a day that doesn’t happen for centuries. My afather, defines unconditional love to me. He has never judged me, he has always believed in me, and always takes my side, even when he knows I’m wrong. He is, my DAD. I love him. He “forgets” I’m adopted all the time and has to remind himself. He love me unconditionally and I honor him for that. I know that no matter what, I can ALWAYS to go him. Always.

My amother wants nothing more than to come to the Adoptee Rights Demonstration in July with me, in full support of protesting my sealed records. She supports all of the adoption reform work i do and tries to be invovled as much as she can. I love her too, and as my past posts will show we’ve had our ups and downs, but in the end, shes a wonderful, caring, compassionate, well respected and honorable person in our community. I love her.

Acknowledging the “wrong” in adoption doesn’t mean I’ve had a bad life. It means I’m observant, and not afraid to go against the grain if things don’t look and feel right. Because in adoption, things don’t look and feel right. There is a hell of a lot wrong in adoption, denying that only allows the wrong to continue. Turning a blind eye to that, does nothing for the adoptees of today, from the past, and of the future.

When comparing and contrasting the “good” in adoption, to the “bad” my list comes up with a whole lot more “bad” than “good.” Being concerned with my life growing up should be the LAST of the concerns when addressing the corruption in the adoption industry. I know its hard, because a lot of these judgemental people are holding onto the hope that adoption will give them the family their bodies cannot. Alot of these people have only adoption as a hope for a family, and although I don’t agree that adoption is a “way to build families” I do sort of understand why they are so defensive when someone like me, an adoptee, who’s had a good life, is working to restore the rights of children world wide and provide for them, all the while bulldozing the adoption industry and re-building it from the ground up.

I must constantly remind myself too that these same judgmental people, are where my aparents were one day. When they couldn’t have children, when they were infertile, when they thought that adoptees “would have been aborted if not adopted”, when they walked into an agency seeking a child from the foster care system of white or mixed race, preferably a baby. I have to remind myself that the people I have grown to love and accept as a mother and father figure in my life were where these sheeple people judging me online and IRL are now. Seeing how far my parents have come is comforting that there is hope for the others, because like my amom and adad, these people could be brainwashed by the industry too. In fact, once the adoption propoganda comes into topic, I know they have been. Once the “would have been aborted” “adoption can be a WIN WIN for all” “adoption CAN work for everyone” “right to privacy” topics come up, I’m sure they’ve been manipulated by the same system thats manipulating children from their mothers. The same system that spits in the face of the adoptee who wants equality, the same system that has profited millions of dollars out of all of us, the same system who has NONE of our best interests at heart.

My answer is no, i haven’t had a bad life. My life has been good, overall, when all is said and done i LOVE my life. That does not mean for ONE MINUTE that I should EVER turn a blind eye to the corruption in the industry and work every day of my life to reform that until it is done. I will NEVER stop, until I’m dead, or the system is working for the unconditional benefit of each child effected by it.

So think again before you judge someone you don’t know. Think again before you assume someones had a bad life because they’re working on improving the current industry of adoption. Especially if you haven’t adopted, aren’t adopted, or aren’t separated by a child by adoption, don’t assume to know “it can work” and support an industry you’re not even involved in. Few and far between those who claim to “know how well it can work” really understand adoption and all that comes with it, and dismissing the real truths in adoption by blowing me off as a “bitter adoptee” whos “had a bad life” is only going to hurt yourself and the adoptee in your potential future.