Denial of loss


10 years ago I wouldn’t have understood this to the depth that I understand it now, and for that I am grateful. Ten years ago this would have hurt me tremendously and I probably would have withdrawn into a wall building adoptee hiding comfort zone and disappeared from my mother for a few months until I felt strong enough to say hello again. Today tho, the only part of it that weakens me is the reality of what she has to do to keep going on, and what a reflection that is of how she has had to do it her entire life after losing me.

 

In July my grandfather passed away. My mother has been taking care of him for the last 5 years of his life. I get mixed feelings from his passing, he was a crucial influence in me being left behind at the hospital 3 days after my birth and its hard for me to let go of that. I did meet him once however and it was a nice comforting visit. He was a very strong man, remembered for decapitating men in Vietnam war and eating raw liver, one of the last things I remember him telling me is the wise men say the least and listen most. He said this to me after I sat around him very quiet observing his every move.

 

Now that he has passed away my mother has come out to my area to plan his services and is here for a few weeks to make sure it all goes smoothly and to visit my children and me. We sat around the table at our visit that I blogged about yesterday and I noticed more than once my mother made reference to never experiencing a pain like that of losing her father since her brother died and then her…. and each time she got to “her” her eyes would meet mine and I “know” she was going to say “her daughter” but she would catch herself and stop. She doesn’t speak of her loss of me.

 

Ten years ago I would have felt like that meant my loss wasn’t significant enough to mention. That it didn’t impact her life in the way these other two deaths had, and that I wasn’t a big “loss” when we parted ways on my third day of life. Today however, I know that means something very different. I know that society doesn’t recognize a mother surrendering her child and continuing on with life as a painful experience. I know that that loss, when spoken of is often met with “what a selfless act, what a wonderful thing you’ve done, how incredible of you to have done that” which in return suppresses that pain even deeper.

 

I can relate to this. I did it for years when faced with adoption related topics or topics of loss, because my mother did all of that FOR me to have a better life, what a selfless thing for her to do and I must be so very grateful for that opportunity at a better life. It FEELS BETTER for outsiders to believe that. Hell it feels better for insiders to believe it until the truth finds its way out and eventually it always does. I mean that’s really the core of being in the Koolaid drinking happy adoptee land, you’re believing the happy myths…. that surrendering you was wonderful, well you might not be “believing them” because your soul doesn’t lie to you, deep down you know it hurts, but you’re saying them, maybe even convincing yourself of them or trying very hard to, because should you realize that reality isn’t reality at all, suddenly “reality” becomes very scary and vulnerable.

 

What would have happened if instead of pausing when my mother wanted to tell the waiter that she hasn’t experienced a loss like this since she lost her daughter, how would he have reacted? Would he have assumed I was dead? Would he have empathized with her? Would he have recognized it as a loss and told her how sorry he was for her loss? I believe these to be viable outcomes had this happened. Humor me for a moment and imagine what would have happened if she had then told him, she hasn’t felt a loss like this since she loss her daughter to adoption. Would she have been met with the same empathy? Maybe from you or me, because we’re reading adoption blogs and up to “par” on adoption loss but the average stranger… no, no I don’t believe she would have found that sympathy. Instead the suppressive rhetoric begins doesn’t it? Oh you gave a daughter up for adoption? How wonderful of you!! OMG you’re a birthmom how selfless!!!! What a heroic act of kindness you did!!! Immediately invalidating the tremendous loss that would follow a mother losing her child to adoption regardless of how that “choice” came to be…. pain is what it is.

 

It reminds me of growing up…often I would get depressed thinking about why my parents gave me up and I’d almost be ready to reach out to someone about it and as soon as I’d say how I was adopted i’d hear ” oh you’re so lucky I always wanted to be adopted! ” “how nice of your mom to give you a better life” “you must be so grateful you weren’t aborted” its the same kind of suppressive “support” I spoke of in reference to my mother above. It has to be societies way of not understanding this in-depth reality we find in adoption and their poor attempt to “get it.” I don’t feel like they have bad intentions in saying these things but they just do… because it’s all over the media, its in all the magazines, its in the adoption agencies this false propaganda of happiness following separation and loss its polluting reality.

 

I see it happening with people who have had miscarriages or found out they’re living a life with infertility. I personally have never been in that shoe, I have 3 natural children of my own, but I watch it happen to them. It happened to my adoptive parents, as SOON as infertility was discovered ADOPTION was pushed. Why? Adoption doesn’t cure infertility. Adoptees don’t “fix” the loss of not having children of your own. The two aren’t connected and yet society just doesn’t get it or want to hear it because they haven’t before and its easier to make all that “ugly” “uncomfy” “icky” feelings be portrayed as minor problems that can be fixed with adoption….and yet….they can’t be.

 

It’s okay to feel pain from loss, in fact it’s very healthy to, and it’s just as okay to own those feelings, talk about those feelings and correct people when they misinterpret those feelings, they are YOUR feelings. I know that for a long time I tried to drink that kooliad, I wanted that bullshit fake “omg you were so lucky to be adopted” to be true, I wanted to be lucky…but when you spend a lifetime trying to convince yourself that pain = happiness destructive patterns are bound to happen and that can be very dangerous. If you are one of these people who are having to hide your pain from the average Joe because you’d rather not “go there” with the ignorant…I get it…and I feel you. If you’re living a life where people are continually telling you to be grateful about something that hurts so bad you could scream in frustration from the highest mountain…I get it…I feel you…and I’m sorry. I’m here for you. Don’t be afraid to own your truth. Its yours and nobody can take it from you. The more you speak out about it, the more we can fix this broken part of the industry, the more we can make the road smoother for those who walk down it after us and the more we can help each other heal….god willing…we might even prevent it one day ❤

Mothers Day


Mothers day…. I dislike this day a ton. In my own family ( I have 3 daughters ) I feel like mothers day should be everyday! And my daughters ( the ones who can talk beyond babbling 😛 ) are really good at appreciating me and each other. They do tell me they love and appreciate me on a daily basis and I feel so fortunate that I have such amazing kids.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was at my amothers house on mothers day and was cooking her dinner and my daughters father gave ME a mothers day card. We didn’t have any born children yet, but in 4 months I was due with our first. My amom laughed and quickly silenced my enjoyment telling me it WASN’T my first mothers day, motherhood came from parenting your child, not merely growing one in your belly…I’ll never forget that laugh. It was so dismissive. It took every bit of joy I had in me and just killed it. We ended up arguing about it right there at the table.

“Carrying a baby is no easy task!” I shouted, “and I’ll have you know that the baby grows more in utero then any other time in his/her life! and she’s doing it INSIDE OF ME!” I continued “Its no easy task, everything about me is different and I’m sacrificing everything for her LIFE!!!”

Shortly after I got up and walked out.

My daughter was born a healthy 7lbs even and 21 inches long at 1:29 am that September.  I held her and stared at her all night. counted and recounted her toes, sang her happy birthday as the sun came up, never fell asleep, I just gazed at her for hours. The nurses would come in and try to take her to the nursery ( what a joke )so I could rest but soon they realized the closer they came my guard dog like traits would soon show their teeth and after the 2nd day they backed off quite a bit.

The following mothers day, I was two months pregnant with my second child. Nobody knew except their father and me. Silly me I thought telling my amom the great news on mothers day would be a wonderful surprise. I was in her garage, we were walking in from just getting home and as I walked in behind her I told her I had some really great news…we’re having another baby!!!!!!!! Her face went blank. She walked out of the room and went upstairs…I followed. First words out of her mouth….”you don’t even have a savings account. You need to be looking into abortion, or giving it to a family who deserves a baby…”

I look back on that moment now and I can see this wasn’t my mother, this was miss-counseled infertility pain and brainwashing by the adoption industry. In the moment tho…those were fighting words. I passed my daughter to her father and asked him to go buckle her in the car seat. We were leaving. He did. I stayed upstairs. I informed her that if she ever suggested I give my child away to adoption, let alone kill it in an abortion clinic I would never speak to her again, and at this time I didn’t know when I could stomach speaking to her ever. I left. We didn’t talk for the remainder of my pregnancy.

After my daughter was born at 9:19 pm at the birthing center, I called her around 11pm. Told her she was born, a healthy 8.5 pounds, 20 inches long, and beautiful and I hung up.

I was so mad at my amother for years for what she did to me on those two mothers days. BTW she doesn’t remember either of them, has 0 recollection of them at all. I’ve tried to go back and get some resolution on them and in her mind those days do not exist. I can’t explain it but its like she completely wiped them from her memory. I was SO MAD at her for months, it was eating me alive…how my own mother could suggest I surrender a child when at that time she damn well knew how much I hated adoption, and then suggest I have an abortion…that hurt more then I can even put into words. Its easier when a stranger suggests it to you, but my mother… bleh.

My two daughters are now 7 and 8. I’d like to say I’m more mature, but maybe they’ve just taught me patience with or without my consent. lol. I feel like I can step out of the OMFG YOU JUST TOLD ME TO SURRENDER MY DAUGHTER TO ADOPTION I BAN YOU TO HELL FOR LIFE mode, and enter the…OMFG THE INDUSTRY REALLY BRAINWASHED YOU TOO mode.  That wasn’t my mother speaking to me, that was the lies she was told by the industry and bought because it felt so good to hear. Idk what it feels like to not be able to have children of your own, being told you deserve them must be sort of soothing. I can’t imagine what it feels like, I can try to, and I have but I’ve never been and will never be there. I am done having kids. I have my 3 that I wanted and I didn’t even have to “try” for them, it’s a joke in my family that my partners pee and I get pregnant… *rolls eyes* I’m not typing that to wave my fertility in anyone’s face, I’m just shouting out clearly I have never been there. To pretend to know what it feels like would only be an insult to people who walk in those shoes. I’m sure mothers day, for a women who’s been trying to have children for years and can’t…isn’t very fun either. Nor is it fun for the mother who lost her child to adoption, … see how it comes full circle. Fuck this day.

So what am I going to do to get passed all of this…baggage that I associate on this stupid day? Celebrate my children, and especially on every other day of the year, teach them that we don’t need stupid holidays to appreciate one another. Tomorrow is never promised, if we feel love and appreciation for someone, we need to tell them NOW and in that moment because we don’t know how long we have to tell them. I’m going to call my natural mother on Sunday and probably sob for an hour into her ear and tell her how much I love her. Then I’m going to feel icky and go to my amoms house for dinner that her and my daughters are cooking for me because something in me fears mothers day and my amothers house now…. even after all these years. Nevertheless i’ll put a smile on my face, push the fear away and go and hope it turns out good like the last few have.

I hope this day is survivable for any readers who are reading this. I think I’ll go escape for the rest of my night into video games lol ( yep…i’m a mom who games 😛 ) guildwars2 BRING IT!

Why would anybody who was raised in a loving home be unhappy about being adopted?


Why would anybody who was raised in a loving home be unhappy about being adopted, or opposed to the very nature of adoption?

This was asked to me today in the comments on the “About Me” page I have here. Its a genuine question that I think a lot of people who aren’t effected or maybe even are effected by adoption ask themselves once they come across someone who’s views towards adoption, are similar to mine.

I do not support it. I don’t condone it, nor do I believe in adoption. I have many reasons and I think it will do me some good after this long break to put it into a post and get it into the concrete form of some kind for others to read when wondering why the hell i feel the way I do.

As I have said, i had and still have good parents, adoptive and natural. I wasn’t physically abused, sure my aparents made some mistakes just like all parents do, but nothing to be held by a noose and hung for and not much to blame or hate adoption for.

The little bit being the uneducated state of mind they were encouraged to have and left with after taking me into their care. I don’t support encouraging people experiencing infertility and desperate for a child to adopt. Adoption is not a band-aid for infertility and it never should be. It doesn’t heal someones infertility and putting that responsibility onto a child grieving the loss of their mother is dismissive and not honoring the emotional well being of the child.

When a child is born she/he is attached emotionally and physically to the mother. Everything that child wants, loves and needs is provided for from the mother whom he/she has grown with in utero for 9 months until birth.

Everything should be done to keep these beings together, and poverty although one of the leading factors to surrender, should never be a leading factor to surrender because money never makes someone a good parent.

I don’t believe in adoption because it has become an industry that provides babies to couples willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for a child. With no care of the child’s well being they have price tags put onto their heads that differ according to race and age. Priority has been put on getting the commodity to make billions annually off of the couples willing to pay, instead of helping the children stuck in foster care get homes. Foster youth are rotting away because they have become least valuable and marketable and so they have been swept under the rug.

All the while the rights being given to the adoptees are the least of any and all other parties involved in adoption. We do not have our birth certificates although not one single document promising anyone a right to privacy has yet to be found. Study after study fails to find them ( because they don’t exist ) and yet millions of us are being discriminated against daily by the denial of our birth certificates.

Our names are changed without our consent all to help fill the dream of the adoptive parents of having and naming their “own” child.

Too many mothers have been coerced and forced to surrender their children via pressure of society from the social stigma of illegitimate born children, forced into unwed mothers homes and raped of their motherhood and children. Now even today mothers are still being pressured to surrender in different ways through threats of not being able to pursue their dreams or college or never finding someone who would want to care for a woman and her child born to a diff. man. Marketing in every parenting magazine, in dr’s offices, gyno offices, highschools, counseling centers and yet the real issues, the complexity of adoption is rarely shown. How is it an informed decision if all angles are not being shown?

Not to mention giving surrendering parents rights to veto and keep our records sealed which is unconstitutional by witholding our vital information from us at their beck and call even though their documents did not say anything about privacy rights is discrimination and a slap in the face from the very industry that makes billions annually from us.

There are many ways to care for children, but i do not support in the ownership of them and that is what adoption is to me. It is buying, selling, renaming and falsifying their documents to make the sale legal. It is exploiting and profiting off of the adoptee with no intention of helping them in any way shape or form.

Adoption isn’t doing anything for humanity. It isn’t helping end third world poverty, it isn’t helping children with AID’s it isn’t reducing the number of children in orphanages, it isn’t reducing the number of children who are being surrendered, it is only helping the adoptive parents get the child they wanted. It is a consumer driven industry that has been built off of the trauma separation and loss of mother and child and father. It is creating unnecessary loss and separation in thousands of families. It is raping people of their ancestry, culture, history and self. It is violating the sense of family too many are advocating for the preservation of in my state of California right now for diff. reasons, but i’m bitter about that too so I’ll throw in my disgust of proposition 8 in as well.

Non profit adoption agencies are making MILLIONS annually and if you don’t believe me, look at their 990 forms online that are public access. I realize that some mothers can’t, for whatever reasons raise their children, but that is not even close to the level of mothers and fathers losing their children each year around our world to be adopted into the families of american and european and australians. ( Yes i realize others adopt, but i see these families and countries adopting more than others.)

Adoption should be about the child. Where the childs rights and feelings are first, are foremost and as the original asker of the question that triggered this post said, should be paramount. But in adoption, of today, it isn’t. The child’s rights and feelings are last. As an adoptee I lost everything and it was never even thought about. I was told to be grateful for it and happy i wasn’t aborted. My loss has been dismissed by society more times than I’d like to remember. The mindset of adoption in this country is unhealthy and frightening, where the leading profit makers in adoption are running the adoption awareness campaigns painting in this beautiful light full of fake love, fake flowers and artificial kindness that is all coming from greed for more money, even if it sacrifices the child’s soul.

It is possible to care for a child without having to rename them, buy them, take away their history, ancestry, records and connection to their family. The “politics” and “industry” of adoption has ruined the very core of why it SHOULD be beautiful. If adoption was for the child, would foster children even be in the system? or would they already have a home? Would they have to be legally adopted and have their rights stripped and taken from them? or would they be allowed to be who they are and honored for exactly that and raised with love and respect for being just them. Is it possible to give a child shelter, safety, love, nourishment, care, food and a home without having to exploit them through the industry of adoption? It should be possible and is possible but rarely happens. It definitely doesn’t happen in adoption. Adoption stopped being about the child long ago.

You must have had a bad life…


As an adoptee rights activist, one who doesn’t believe that adoptees are treated equally and who advocates and works towards restoring our equality as adopted adults I am often told by people who don’t know me, or my life story that they “assume I’ve had a really bad life.”

I MUST have had a bad life or else I wouldn’t be criticizing adoption to the degree that I do.

Ignorance I tell ya, its a witch!

Every single time someone who thinks adoption is “great” hears that me, an adoptee, is against adoption to the degree that I am, 9 times out of 10 the sentence following that is “oh, you must have had a really bad life.”

Dismiss.

Because what else is the option for them? To question their own beliefs on adoption being overall “good” and potentially have a falling out of everything they’ve put their hope into? Adoption is NOT a band-aid for infertility, childless couples, building families, saving children, abortion alternatives, etc. Adoption needs to ALWAYS be about the child, and the child’s well being overall.

So for all of those people who “think” I’ve had a bad life, because I’m against adoption… this is for you.

I LOVE my adoptive parents. I was provided for, nurtured, and loved. Infact, I still am. I see my parents every week, they are active in my life and are wonderful grandparents to my children. I was financially well taken care of, I got it all, pool, horse, large house, loving family and I even inherit a HUGE ranch in my future hopefully farther than closer because that will mean my adad has died, and that is a day i NEVER want to live. Just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. Its something I’m not prepared for and never will be, hopefully its a day that doesn’t happen for centuries. My afather, defines unconditional love to me. He has never judged me, he has always believed in me, and always takes my side, even when he knows I’m wrong. He is, my DAD. I love him. He “forgets” I’m adopted all the time and has to remind himself. He love me unconditionally and I honor him for that. I know that no matter what, I can ALWAYS to go him. Always.

My amother wants nothing more than to come to the Adoptee Rights Demonstration in July with me, in full support of protesting my sealed records. She supports all of the adoption reform work i do and tries to be invovled as much as she can. I love her too, and as my past posts will show we’ve had our ups and downs, but in the end, shes a wonderful, caring, compassionate, well respected and honorable person in our community. I love her.

Acknowledging the “wrong” in adoption doesn’t mean I’ve had a bad life. It means I’m observant, and not afraid to go against the grain if things don’t look and feel right. Because in adoption, things don’t look and feel right. There is a hell of a lot wrong in adoption, denying that only allows the wrong to continue. Turning a blind eye to that, does nothing for the adoptees of today, from the past, and of the future.

When comparing and contrasting the “good” in adoption, to the “bad” my list comes up with a whole lot more “bad” than “good.” Being concerned with my life growing up should be the LAST of the concerns when addressing the corruption in the adoption industry. I know its hard, because a lot of these judgemental people are holding onto the hope that adoption will give them the family their bodies cannot. Alot of these people have only adoption as a hope for a family, and although I don’t agree that adoption is a “way to build families” I do sort of understand why they are so defensive when someone like me, an adoptee, who’s had a good life, is working to restore the rights of children world wide and provide for them, all the while bulldozing the adoption industry and re-building it from the ground up.

I must constantly remind myself too that these same judgmental people, are where my aparents were one day. When they couldn’t have children, when they were infertile, when they thought that adoptees “would have been aborted if not adopted”, when they walked into an agency seeking a child from the foster care system of white or mixed race, preferably a baby. I have to remind myself that the people I have grown to love and accept as a mother and father figure in my life were where these sheeple people judging me online and IRL are now. Seeing how far my parents have come is comforting that there is hope for the others, because like my amom and adad, these people could be brainwashed by the industry too. In fact, once the adoption propoganda comes into topic, I know they have been. Once the “would have been aborted” “adoption can be a WIN WIN for all” “adoption CAN work for everyone” “right to privacy” topics come up, I’m sure they’ve been manipulated by the same system thats manipulating children from their mothers. The same system that spits in the face of the adoptee who wants equality, the same system that has profited millions of dollars out of all of us, the same system who has NONE of our best interests at heart.

My answer is no, i haven’t had a bad life. My life has been good, overall, when all is said and done i LOVE my life. That does not mean for ONE MINUTE that I should EVER turn a blind eye to the corruption in the industry and work every day of my life to reform that until it is done. I will NEVER stop, until I’m dead, or the system is working for the unconditional benefit of each child effected by it.

So think again before you judge someone you don’t know. Think again before you assume someones had a bad life because they’re working on improving the current industry of adoption. Especially if you haven’t adopted, aren’t adopted, or aren’t separated by a child by adoption, don’t assume to know “it can work” and support an industry you’re not even involved in. Few and far between those who claim to “know how well it can work” really understand adoption and all that comes with it, and dismissing the real truths in adoption by blowing me off as a “bitter adoptee” whos “had a bad life” is only going to hurt yourself and the adoptee in your potential future.