I watched a video today of this girl in China who believed her new adoptive parents were coming to take her home. She had TB and it ends up that she can’t go home with them. The video is the future adoptive mother taping the goodbye. All screams of “put the camera down” aside… I want to talk about this moment in the little girls life and what it feels like to go through that.
I think its the core of my adoptee-ness. I have been there so many times. At her age she is probably so scared to hold onto someone, to love them, to open up to them and in the video it seems like she has established some amount of trust in the man, her future adoptive father.
Then it happens, 3/4 of the way into the video she “gets” it. They’re leaving and she’s not going with them. The screams, the pleads for them to not leave without her. The cries, pulling for them to stay, pushing those trying to keep her away….oh how I have been there.
The rage will follow, hatred, detachment and finally…the life saving numbness that will stay with her forever. By the time she’s my age she’ll be able to turn it on and off if she’s aware of it like I am. Use it as a body guard, shield, warrior of self. Detach, numb, forget, protect and move on. Survival mechanisms are beautiful things.
My adoptive mother hated it about me. I would never open up, my wall is there, and will remain forever. I don’t let people in past a certain point for the same reason this little chinese girl screamed in this video. Cause once you do, you become a slave to their presence, it then becomes a game to always make sure they’re there for you, not going to leave you, still love you, that they’re not mad at you, and never ever going to abandon you.
Those without separation issues just don’t get it. How could you, you have never lost a part of your being like this. Once you lose it, it doesn’t come back. Its not curable by love, by the return of someone to care for you, by a stuffed animal, food, material things, it can’t be fixed. All you have is yourself and those who have walked in your shoes.
Damn.
16 responses so far ↓
Mara // August 8, 2009 at 7:17 pm |
OMG, Gersh. You just spoke MY pain so eloquently. This soul terror is universal to abandoned (adopted, relinquished) children. Adoption shoots an arrow through a person’s heart and the blade can NEVER be removed. It burns and twists throughout our lives as we suffer with our pain. The PAIN that no one acknowledges and comprehends EXCEPT OTHER ADOPTEES. (((Hugs, girlfriend.)))
Gershom // August 8, 2009 at 11:48 pm |
ugh… so true. *nods head*
angelle2 // August 10, 2009 at 5:12 am |
Where did you find this? It is appalling. What is the outcome for this child? Will she ever be adopted? I hope that this couple will pay for her care in China since they chose to intervene in her life. Please tell me at the very least they will do this. Please do no tell me they will find another child as if all human beings are interchangeable.
Laura // August 23, 2009 at 8:06 pm |
I am so sorry for your pain. You are so right in that I cannot imagine what you are going through but hope to help my children get through this.
Angelle2, the family is very much still involved. They are pleading with our govt to allow her to come home to them. They found a family in China to care for her b/c they did not want her back in the orphanage where she got the TB in the first place and are paying for her care until they can bring her home.
Alison // August 15, 2009 at 10:10 am |
I just found this blog and wanted to say “thank you” so much for this post and blog. What you say is so true and it really brings comfort to another adoptee to hear they are not alone. It’s so hard for anyone who is not adopted to understand the daily agonies and and struggles that are the emotional legacy of adoption. My heart goes out to that little girl left behind.
Lika // August 15, 2009 at 7:30 pm |
When she kept crying, “baba, don’t leave”, I almost lost it. Do you know what happened to her afterwards? I hope they came back and got her. I would hate for her to go through abandonment twice.
Hope you don’t mind I wrote it about here in my LJ.
I’m sorry for the loss all adoptees have to endure. It shouldn’t be this way.
madduchess // August 16, 2009 at 11:09 am |
This video and story is appalling and heartbreaking. The Scruggs (the adoptive family) fought like hell to bring Harper home, but were forced to leave her behind in China, due to circumstances beyond their control (from the US side). They will be back for their daughter in 6 months time, which I have no doubt will be tortuous for all involved (particularly Harper). This poor little girl was sacrificed to CDC policy that discriminates against foreign-born adopted children, which is a travesty. At 5 years old, all this little girl understands is that she finally had a family and now it was being ripped away from her because of government policy she cannot possibly understand (even most of us adults cannot understand it either). I know the Scruggs are going to maintain constant contact with Harper to assure her they have not forgotten her and will indeed be coming back for her, but I seriously doubt that is enough to quell the fears of a little girl who has no reason to trust anyone and has already suffered more loss and confusion and emotional pain than people 3 times her age. Very sad
(
Alyson // August 17, 2009 at 6:43 am |
We have been following Harper’s story.
I am so glad you wrote of your experience. You are a great help to those of us who did adopt an orphan. The more we know from your insights and feelings, the better we may be able to recognize it in our daughter and provide help/love/support. We may not be able to cure it but we must try to help, she is our daughter.
Alyzabeth’s Mommy for Eleven Months
malinda // August 17, 2009 at 8:50 am |
As the adoptive parent of two Chinese children, I find this horrible. The a-parents plan to go back to adopt her once she can get clearance to immigrate with a negative TB test. But the child doesn’t know that, can’t believe that given that her birth parents abandoned her, her foster parents returned her to the orphanage once she had TB, and now her adoptive parents have left her, too. I don’t know how she survives this intact.
The AP community has been blaming t he CDC and Immigration authorities for the result in the case — seems to me the APs are to blame, too. But they claim financial hardship, possible job loss, need to care for a child at home (as a single mom, it seems they could have split up — one coming home, one staying there) if they had stayed in China for 6 weeks to await the results.
I worry what this says about the value we place on adoption — those parents would have been excoriated if they’d left a bio child in a foreign country under these circumstances. And here, all I hear is “don’t judge.”
Antinette // August 17, 2009 at 9:05 pm |
Actually, it is my understanding, from following the Scrugg’s family blog and reading the news stories that have been written around this, that their daughter, Harper, is being cared for by another family until the Scruggs are given the ok to return for Harper. They have completed her adoption and she is their child. They were FORCED to leave her and have been fighting non-stop to bring her home.
I don’t want to take away anything from what you wrote, I totally respect your feelings and how eloquently you voiced them. I just thought it best that people should know what the true story is. You can follow the Scrugg’s family blog at http://jayscruggs.livejournal.com/ There are also stories in the Washington Post, etc. It is truly a heart-wrenching situation, and I too fear that attachment and bonding will be very difficult for her. I am happy, though, that she has a family that is fighting tirelessly for her and will be back.
Respectfully,
Antinette
윤선 // August 19, 2009 at 2:50 am |
I agree with everything you’ve said… *sigh*…
mominmich // August 22, 2009 at 5:20 am |
To Angelle2. She IS adopted. Her parents are being prevented from bringing her home. Unfortunately the CDC is discriminating against adopted children (who have not yet gained citizenship) in their policy. If an American Citizen took their biological child overseas (or if they have birth to that child overseas) and that child caught TB, they would not be prevented from coming home. To all, if you feel this is wrong there is a petition to sign. http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/build-families-not-barriers/sign.html
H // September 1, 2009 at 8:44 pm |
angelle2:
Just FYI since you asked, this was a delayed adoption, not a disruption. The pre-adoptive couple had to leave China on that date because of the time limit on the visa, but they didn’t give up on the adoption.
The couple persisted in pursuing a visa for this child, it was finally issued, and she is now in the United States with her adoptive family.
It doesn’t negate Gershom’s point about how the child felt at all, but since you asked about the outcome, the child was adopted.
Peach // September 10, 2009 at 9:11 am |
I’m almost scared to watch this video, but I will. Thanks for posting and for being so honest and open for the millions of adoptees out here.
Gershom // October 11, 2009 at 11:35 am |
if we could stand aside from defending these parents, and from talking about them. My point to this post wasn’t about them. It was about this girl, and the moment when all of us as adoptees change, and a part of us die forever and what happens to our lives after that. How we cope with that, and how we continue on. That is what i was talking about, that is something all of us share. Its not about the aps and how hard they fought etc. etc. Its not about who her parents are, or where she even is, its about that moment when our soul is changed forever.
*shakes head* they never get it… *sigh*
Cee // October 20, 2009 at 4:31 am |
You are spot on, Gershom. They NEVER get it. It’s always back to them and how much they tried, how they fought, how much they wanted things to work out. They never seem to understand that it’s not ABOUT them when their defense mechanism kicks into play. I’ve been on both sides of the fence – As an adoptee and as a PAP. I know why they do it – it’s the same blindness and desperation that constructs a very self-centered wall.